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I am having such problems with life right now that hopefully journaling it all out will help. It's not so much a question of who, but now what, anymore.
Previously I had been having problems trying to decide if I should try and let anything happen between me and Jake, but have come to the general conclusion that I will just let things progress naturally and not worry about it. He hasn't asked me out and hasn't really made any indication that he's actually interested in me, so it may be more of a friend thing anyway.
Whereas Jon got back last night and I met him for dinner and we went to a movie and then spent the night together. I just love when he holds me, I feel so loved and so safe and like I can trust him.
The only thing is, I don't want to push our phsyical relationship too fast, especially since we are both so worried about getting into a relationship. I don't think he's the sort who actually makes notches in the bedpost, but I am worried that I might just be another story for him. But I care about him so much, and I just feel like I want things to keep going as they have been and not push the issue. But we have been progressing fairly quickly and I don't want to get into another situation like I did with my last bf, where we ended up going so fast that the only thing we didn't do was have sex and it was one of those things that he seemed to expect it of me.
I don't think Jon would ever do that, but I didn't think my last bf would either. But Jon is a lot different than my last boyfriend. He really cares about me, rather than just using me.
And I am really thinking I may be starting to fall in love with him.
But what is love? I don't even think I know. And how are you supposed to know if you are falling in love? Is there a certain amount of time that is supposed to pass before you can know?
I know that I think about him when I am not with him, I don't ever want to lose him, I worry about pleasing him and doing everything in my power to make sure he isn't hurt. I really do care about him so much and I worry about trying to lable it as love, even if I feel like it might be.

The other problem I've been having is that he is very insistent on the fact that he doesn't ever want to get married and yet keeps talking about the future between the two of us...things he wants to do with me next year and years from now. Which is more than slightly confusing. Because there is the definite possibility that I would love to stay with him for a long time because we really do mesh so well. I'm not saying that I want to go and get married now. I'm just saying that if things keep progressing like they are and we do stay together that I really do think that a future with him would be a wonderful thing.
My ex used to talk about how he wanted to marry me and when I would picture my future I would be depressed and scared.
When I think of a future with Jon, I just feel like things would be so wonderful.
But he really doesn't ever want to get married. Which scares me. Because I don't know what I can do about that. I suppose that if it is meant to be, then he will change his mind.
Would make a great movie...I may have to write this out sometime. Guy insists he never wants to get married and the girl goes away and meets another guy and she doesn't know what to do because she can't forget about guy number one. Could be an awesome story.
Too bad it is my life right now.

Am I worrying too much about things that don't need to be worried about? I know I shouldn't think about it, since it is so far off. I want to graduate before I get married and so I shouldn't be worrying about something that is still years out, since opinions could change. We agree on so much, but he doesn't want to get married and have kids, and I know one day I do want to get married and I, for all my protestations, probably do want to have kids sometime.
Which is one of the few things where we differ so greatly on.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to become so hung up on him I don't date other people because I just want to be with him. And then have no future with him. I wasted enough of my life on my ex. I can't keep doing this where I just stick with one guy. I just don't want to date anyone else right now. I just want him.
What do I do??