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I'm up again. No reason what so ever... but hey it happened, so i'm not going to waste it by trying to figure out why. Hahaha, my doctor wasn't any help even. I told him I was suicidal and he just told me to depend on every one around me (which is totally not fair to them). Maybe he meant in the short term but that's not what I need. Actually I felt alot worse after seeing him...never mind!! I just have to enjoy this high while it lasts.

domokun I'm not taking any illegal drugs domokun

However, I did consider taking up smoking as a slow form of suicide. Oh! I don't know if I mentioned the awkward chest pains i've been having almost every day... apparently they're a physical manifestation of my depression... or panic attacks (so depressed it hurts *bitter laugh*). Of course I wouldn't have noticed this in my constant state of nothing-ness.

Speaking of illegal drugs, I read Go Ask Alice today. Very short, yet very intense book. I can't relate to it or any thing... well maybe, indirectly. I read it once already in grade 9. I think I'll read it again tomorrow.

Okay... I'm starting to calm down a bit now. I call it leveling off. This journal helps. It's hard for me to talk to people about it because I know they won't understand exactly or I don't want to worry them or they simply can't help me. It makes me sad when people try to fix every thing but can't. Like being trapped on the wrong side of a two way mirror. Yes! That's exactly it! I'm sorry. I'm just not the kind of person who can easily lean on others... not forever. I fear they'll brake and then I'll just feel worse.

They say "call me when ever you're feel down" yet how can I when i'm always down?






How do you tell some one that they are the only thing keeping you alive?