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HEADPHONES
A blonde walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut.
The barber starts to cut the right side then stops. He says, "You need to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops. He says, "You really have to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the left side and starts on the back. He starts cutting then stops again. He says, "Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones!"
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber starts cutting, but then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde's headphones and pulls them off. She chokes, then falls to the ground dead.
The barber picks up the headphones and listens. "Breathe In... Breathe Out... Breathe In... Breathe Out..."
 monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:55am · 1 Comments |
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SKIPPING
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:49am · 1 Comments |
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Blonde Inventions
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
cool Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:39am · 1 Comments |
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Blonde One-Liners
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."
Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off of a cliff.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A space invader.
What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch manager.
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk."
Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.
What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?
Far-from-thinkin.
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.
Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.
What do you give the blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her.
Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
They have to pull their own pants down.
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.
What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, she is 18.
Did you hear about the three blondes who were driving to Disneyland?
After being in the car for hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
Drool.
These two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don't drink!
Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their titties.
What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.
How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
The cow sat down!
What is the ugly blonde's mating call?
"I said, 'I'm so drunk!'"
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Gets dressed and goes home.
What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.
What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth?
No make-up.
How do you prevent a blonde from having sex?
Marry her.
What does a blonde make for dinner?
Reservations.
Why did the blonde have square boobs?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Did you hear about the blonde who got locked in the bathroom?
She was in there so long, she peed her pants.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...
What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.
Why did the blonde only change her baby's Pampers twice a month?
Because the box said "for 18 to 24 pounds."
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in the handicapped zone.
What do you call eight blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.
What did the blonde say when she got pregnant?
"Gee, I hope it's mine."
Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said 4 to 6 years.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.
A blonde looked at her drivers license and got depressed when she saw that she got an "F" in sex.
How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!
How do you keep a blonde busy?
You give her a bottle of shampoo that says: "Lather, rinse, and repeat."
How do you keep a blonde busy?
You put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner."
Why do blondes always have such big hair?
So they can catch things that are over their heads.
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up?
The dumb blonde! Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.
A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ears.
How does a blonde give a high-5?
She smacks herself in the forehead.
How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
Why did the blonde cross the road?
Don't know? Neither did she.
Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.
Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A1: An interpreter.
A2: A translator.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because you wash vegetables there!
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you see when you peer into a blonde's eyes?
A: A Back of her head.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You dont lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: What do blondes and cow pies (or buffalo chips) have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal
her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are
all in the middle row.
Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her a** along the floor!
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange
juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB?
A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
Q: WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE?
A: Hair transplants.
Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little
packet.
Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what
she did with her cigarette.
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: DID YOU HEAR BOUT THE BLONDE WHO COULN'T WAIT TO SEE "20,000 LEAGUES UNDER
THE SEA"?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many
teams.
Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH HER EYES
CLOSED?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL FOR BLONDES?
A: They take off their makeup.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: What do you call a blonde without an a*****e?
A: Divorced.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who
hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
blown around too much.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What's a blondes' favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia.
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The
brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The
blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.
monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:38am · 0 Comments |
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YO MOMMA...
Yo momma's so dumb when she saw under 17 not admitted sign she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma's so poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folks fingers
Yo momma's so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark
Yo momma's so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone
Yo momma's so dumb she passed by YMCA and said hey look they spelled MACYs wrong
Yo momma's so poor people rob her house for practice
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma's so poor she married young just to get the rice
Yo momma's so dumb she failed a survey
Yo momma's so dumb she fell up the stairs
Yo momma's so dumb she asked for a price check at the dollar store
Yo momma's so dumb she invented a silent car alarm
Yo momma's so dumb and poor that when I came over for dinner she read me recipes
Yo momma's so dumb at bottom of application where it says Sign Here she put Sagitarius
Yo momma's so dumb she got a part time job painting skittles
Yo momma's so dumb she put on her glasses to watch 20/20
Yo momma's so dumb her brain cells are on the endangered species list
Yo momma's so dumb her brain cells die ALONE
Yo momma's so dumb her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box
Yo momma's so dumb her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard
Yo momma's so dumb her latest invention was a glass hammer
Yo momma's so dumb her shoes say TGIF - toes go in front
Yo momma's so dumb I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail
Yo momma's so dumb I don't even understand how stupid she is
Yo momma's so dumb I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side
Yo momma's so dumb I put a ScratchNSniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned
Yo momma's so dumb I said give me a quarterback and she gave me Dan Marino
Yo momma's so dumb I said it was chilli outside and she ran in and got a bowl
Yo momma's so dumb I said lets go to the superbowl and she ran and got a spoon
Yo momma's so dumb I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod
Yo momma's so dumb I saw her jumping up and down asked what she was doing and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it
Yo momma's so dumb I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope asked what she was doing and she said sending a voice mail
Yo momma's so dumb I taught her how to do the running man and I havent seen her since
Yo momma's so dumb I think its a new world record
Yo momma's so dumb I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it
Yo momma's so dumb I told her drinks were on the house so she went and got a ladder
Yo momma's so dumb I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she asked if I had anything written by Bart
Yo momma's so dumb if brains were dynamite she wouldnt have enough to blow her nose
Yo momma's so dumb if brains were gas she wouldnt have enough to power a fleamobile around the inside of a Froot Loop
Yo momma's so dumb if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change
Yo momma's so dumb if you gave her a penny for her thoughts you'd get change
Yo momma's so dumb instead of taking 4 bus she took the 2 bus twice
Yo momma's so dumb it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
Yo momma's so dumb it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch
Yo momma's so dumb it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus
Yo momma's so dumb it takes 2 of her to listen to music
Yo momma's so dumb it takes 2 of her to watch tv
Yo momma's so dumb it takes 4 of her to screw in a light bulb
Yo momma's so dumb it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes
Yo momma's so dumb it takes her 4 hours to watch a 1 hour movie
Yo momma's so dumb it takes her an hour to cook minute rice
Yo momma's so dumb it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles
Yo momma's so dumb on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911
Yo momma's so dumb people were askin her for crack and she bent over and said here
Yo momma's so dumb she actually thinks these jokes are funny
Yo momma's so dumb she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken
Yo momma's so dumb she asked for help to use Hamburger Helper
Yo momma's so dumb she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said Guess so she said Levis
Yo momma's so dumb she asked me what yield meant I said Slow down and she said What does yield mean?
Yo momma's so dumb she asked me whats that letter after X and I said Y she said Cause I want to know
Yo momma's so dumb she asked me Whats the number for 911?
Yo momma's so dumb she asked what time is the 12:00 lunch
Yo momma's so dumb she bought a solarpowered flashlight
Yo momma's so dumb she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home
Yo momma's so dumb she brought a cup to the movie Juice
Yo momma's so dumb she brought a doughnut back to tha shop cause it had a hole in it
Yo momma's so dumb she called Dan Quayle for a spell check
Yo momma's so dumb she called the 7-11 store to see when they closed
Yo momma's so dumb she called the cocaine hotline to order some
Yo momma's so dumb she can't even spell acronyms correctly
Yo momma's so dumb she can't find her own house
Yo momma's so dumb she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box
Yo momma's so dumb she can't pass a drunk test when she is not even drunk
Yo momma's so dumb she can't tie her own shoe
Yo momma's so dumb she chases parked cars
Yo momma's so dumb she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on the other side
Yo momma's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast
Yo momma's so dumb she cooks Indian curry with Old Spice
Yo momma's so dumb she could not get into the first grade
Yo momma's so dumb she couldn't read an audio book
Yo momma's so dumb she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses
Yo momma's so dumb she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the 11 button in 911
Yo momma's so dumb she died boiling water in the toaster
Yo momma's so dumb she does not know what she is talking about
Yo momma's so dumb she forgets to pick you up at school
Yo momma's so dumb she forgets what she is thinking before she even think of it
Yo momma's so dumb she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W&Ws
Yo momma's so dumb she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged
Yo momma's so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and wet her pants
Yo momma's so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved
Yo momma's so dumb she got locked in a mattress store and slept on the floor
Yo momma's so dumb she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down
Yo momma's so dumb she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home
Yo momma's so dumb she got on her knees to drink her Nehi peach drink
Yo momma's so dumb she got shot running the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial
Yo momma's so dumb she got stabbed in a shoot out
Yo momma's so dumb she had surgery on her butt and the doctor removed her brain
Yo momma's so dumb she has 1 toe and bought a pair of flip flops
Yo momma's so dumb she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
Yo momma's so dumb she has to use her fingers for 1 + 1
Yo momma's so dumb she invented a wheelchair with pedals
Yo momma's so dumb she jumped off a building in attempt to fly because she thought her maxi pad had wings
Yo momma's so dumb she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer: white out is on the screen
Yo momma's so dumb she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network
Yo momma's so dumb she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner
Yo momma's so dumb she makes a chimp look smart
Yo momma's so dumb she makes blondes look smart
Yo momma's so dumb she makes Bush look smart
Yo momma's so dumb she makes me feel dumber just talking to her
Yo momma's so dumb she makes the rest of the world seem smarter
Yo momma's so dumb she makes toast in the freezer
Yo momma's so dumb she married Yo daddy
Yo momma's so dumb she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble
Yo momma's so dumb she needs twice as much sense to be a halfwit
Yo momma's so dumb she noticed a sign reading Wet Floor so she just did
Yo momma's so dumb she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a curb
Yo momma's so dumb she ordered a cheese burger from McDonalds and said Hold the cheese
Yo momma's so dumb she passed by YMCA and said hey look they spelled MACYs wrong
Yo momma's so dumb she peals M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies
Yo momma's so dumb she put a peep hole in a glass door
Yo momma's so dumb she put a phone up her a** and thought she was making a booty call
Yo momma's so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out
Yo momma's so dumb she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept
Yo momma's so dumb she put her watch in the bank to save time
Yo momma's so dumb she put light bulbs on a christmas tree
Yo momma's so dumb she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind
Yo momma's so dumb she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house
Yo momma's so dumb she put security cameras in a glass house to see in other rooms
Yo momma's so dumb she ran out of gas leaving Texaco
Yo momma's so dumb she ran outside with a purse because she heard there was change in the weather
Yo momma's so dumb she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund
Yo momma's so dumb she runs around the bed all night trying to catch some sleep
Yo momma's so dumb she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be a branch manager
Yo momma's so dumb she sat on a window ledge thinking she'd get framed
Yo momma's so dumb she saw a billboard that said Dodge Trucks and she started ducking through traffic
Yo momma's so dumb she saw her reflection on the TV and thought she was on Jeopardy
Yo momma's so dumb she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
Yo momma's so dumb she sold her Car for gas money
Yo momma's so dumb she sold her camera to buy film
Yo momma's so dumb she sold the house to pay the mortgage
Yo momma's so dumb she spent 30 minutes lookin at an orange juice box because it said concentrate
Yo momma's so dumb she stands up on an empty bus
Yo momma's so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back
Yo momma's so dumb she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go
Yo momma's so dumb she studied for a blood test and failed
Yo momma's so dumb she studied for a drug test
Yo momma's so dumb she studied for a open book test and failed
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks 1 + 1 is 3
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks her twin lives in her mirror
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks socialism means partying
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clockradio
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks the cat in the hat is, a cat in a hat
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks we are all in the Matrix
Yo momma's so dumb she thinks WuTang is an orange flavored drink
Yo momma's so dumb she though Titanic was a new flavor of tic tac
Yo momma's so dumb she thought 2 Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
Yo momma's so dumb she thought 50 cent was a cheap payperview
Yo momma's so dumb she thought a hot meal is stolen food
Yo momma's so dumb she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court
Yo momma's so dumb she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund
Yo momma's so dumb she thought asphalt was a skin disease
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center
Yo momma's so dumb she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Chingy was what you say when you don't got no more money
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Condelesa Rice was a Mexican Side Dish
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority
Yo momma's so dumb she thought gangrene was another golf course
Yo momma's so dumb she thought hamburger helper came with another person
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Hot Meals were stolen food
Yo momma's so dumb she thought if she woke up fast enough she could see her self sleeping
Yo momma's so dumb she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Keith Sweat was a Body Odor
Yo momma's so dumb she thought menopause was a button on the stereo
Yo momma's so dumb she thought meow mix was music for cats
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station
Yo momma's so dumb she thought OJ Simpson some kind of fruit juice
Yo momma's so dumb she thought she could get food stamps at the post office
Yo momma's so dumb she thought she needed a token to get on soul train
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project
Yo momma's so dumb she thought St Ides was a Catholic church
Yo momma's so dumb she thought St Ides was an island in the Caribbean
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Thailand was a mens clothing store
Yo momma's so dumb she thought the board of education was a piece of wood
Yo momma's so dumb she thought the internet was something you catch fish with
Yo momma's so dumb she thought the TV guide was directions to get to the television
Yo momma's so dumb she thought WIC meant welfare is cool
Yo momma's so dumb she thought Wu Tang was an African orange drink
Yo momma's so dumb she threw a rock the ground and missed
Yo momma's so dumb she told everyone that she was illegitimate because she couldn't read
Yo momma's so dumb she told me to meet her at the corner of Walk and don't Walk
Yo momma's so dumb she took a coloring book with her to see The Color Purple
Yo momma's so dumb she took a cup to see Juice
Yo momma's so dumb she took a donut to the repair shop and said it had a hole in it
Yo momma's so dumb she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig
Yo momma's so dumb she took a knife to a driveby shooting
Yo momma's so dumb she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain
Yo momma's so dumb she took lessons for a player piano
Yo momma's so dumb she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff
Yo momma's so dumb she took you to the drive-in movie theater to see Closed for the season
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to commit suicide by jumping from the basement window
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building but she got lost on the way down
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to drown a fish
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to drown herself in a carpool
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to hang herself with a cordless phone
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to kill a bird by throwing it off of a cliff
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to mail a letter with food stamps
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to melt squeeze Parkay
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to put m&ms in alphabetical order
Yo momma's so dumb she used white out on a computer screen
Yo momma's so dumb she uses Old Spice for cooking
Yo momma's so dumb she wants to be a blonde
Yo momma's so dumb she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday
Yo momma's so dumb she was looking at a paper and I asked her what you doing? and she said watching paper view
Yo momma's so dumb she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin Free Lays
Yo momma's so dumb she was on the corner with a sign that said Will eat for food
Yo momma's so dumb she washes her hands in the toilet and craps in the sink
Yo momma's so dumb she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes
Yo momma's so dumb she wears a tshirt that says hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi
Yo momma's so dumb she went on Double Dare and when they asked her name she said I think Ill take the physical challenge
Yo momma's so dumb she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko
Yo momma's so dumb she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Disney World and saw a sign that said Disney World Left so she went home
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Dodger stadium and drowned in the waves
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a pap smear
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Gap to fix her teeth
Yo momma's so dumb she went to the McDonalds drive thru and drove through the window
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Target with a handfull of darts and said lets play
Yo momma's so dumb she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Walgreens to see if the walls were really green
Yo momma's so dumb she wouldnt know up from down if she had three guesses
Yo momma's so dumb she'd have to be twice as smart to become a halfwit
Yo momma's so dumb she went to Shop Rite and shopped wrong
Yo momma's so dumb that she got stabbed in a shoot out
Yo momma's so dumb that she uses whiteout as her toothpaste
Yo momma's so dumb that she went to a family reunion to look for a date
Yo momma's so dumb that she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu
Yo momma's so dumb that under Education on her job apllication she put Hooked on Phonics
Yo momma's so dumb that when she surfed the internet she put a wetsuit on
Yo momma's so dumb that when the judge in the courtroom said Order she said Fries and a coke please
Yo momma's so dumb that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean
Yo momma's so dumb she snuck on the bus and paid to get off
Yo momma's so dumb the worst six years of her life were grade three
Yo momma's so dumb she likes to mop the carpet
Yo momma's so dumb she lost her shadow
Yo momma's so dumb she gave birth to you
Yo momma's so dumb she gets lost in thought
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to steal a free sample
Yo momma's so dumb she tried to wake up a sleeping bag
Yo momma's so dumb she ordered her sushi well done
Yo momma's so dumb was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday
Yo momma's so dumb when asked on an application Sex? she marked M F and sometimes Wednesday too
Yo momma's so dumb when asked what a pronoun was she said a noun that gets paid
Yo momma's so dumb when her daughter had a hart atack she dialed 911 on the microwave
Yo momma's so dumb when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones
Yo momma's so dumb when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one she said Ok but whats the teams?
Yo momma's so dumb when I said we were playing craps she went and got toilet paper
Yo momma's so dumb when I told her to squeal like a pig she said Moo
Yo momma's so dumb when I told her to take the trash out, she moved
Yo momma's so dumb when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver she said cherry or grape?
Yo momma's so dumb when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore I said Guess and she said Ah Levis?
Yo momma's so dumb when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved
Yo momma's so dumb when she locked her keys in the car it took her all day to get yo family out
Yo momma's so dumb when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like Vroom Screech Vroom Screech
Yo momma's so dumb when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put OK
Yo momma's so dumb when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thought she was in hell
Yo momma's so dumb when she saw a Wrong Way sign in her rearview mirror she turned around
Yo momma's so dumb when she saw under 17 not admitted sign she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma's so dumb when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin and threw it back
Yo momma's so dumb when she took you to the airport and a sign said Airport Left she turned around and went home
Yo momma's so dumb when she worked at McDonalds and someone ordered small fries she said Hey Boss all the small ones are gone
Yo momma's so dumb when the computer said Press any key to continue she couldn't find the Any key
Yo momma's so dumb when you she got pregnant she asked the doctor are you sure its mine?
Yo momma's so dumb when you were born she looked at your umbilical cord and said Wow it comes with cable too
Yo momma's so dumb you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is expired
Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma's so old her first job was as Cain and Abel' babysitter
Yo momma's so old her memory is in black and white
Yo momma's so old her social security card is in roman numerals
Yo momma's so old her social security number is 1
Yo momma's so old her breasts squirt out powderd milk
Yo momma's so old she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said Lil Mary will never amount to anything
Yo momma's so old I looked in her year book and saw jesus
Yo momma's so old i told her to act her age and she died
Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer
Yo momma's so old it looks like the Wrinkle Fairy tap danced on her face
Yo momma's so old I've seen stale rasins with less wrinkles
Yo momma's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories
Yo momma's so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark
Yo momma's so old she babysat for Jesus
Yo momma's so old she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight
Yo momma's so old she co-wrote one of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's So old she dated moses
Yo momma's so old she got hieroglyphics on her Driver license
Yo momma's so old she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook
Yo momma's so old she has all the apostles in her black book
Yo momma's so old she has an autographed bible
Yo momma's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince
Yo momma's so old she knew Captain Crunch while he was still a private
Yo momma's so old she knew Mr Clean when he had an afro
Yo momma's so old she left her purse on noahs ark
Yo momma's so old she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers
Yo momma's so old she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp
Yo momma's so old she owes Moses a quarter
Yo momma's so old she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch
Yo momma's so old she remembers what life was like before the ice age
Yo momma's so old she took her drivers test on a dinosaur
Yo momma's so old she uses her hot flashes to heat her cup of Tea
Yo momma's so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her
Yo momma's so old she went to an antiques auction and three people bid on her
Yo momma's so old she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible
Yo momma's so old that in the back seat of your car kids don't say Are we there yet they scream Is she Dead yet
Yo momma's so old that she had Jesus tattoo the ten commandments on her back
Yo momma's so old she was a waitress at the last supper
Yo momma's So old she went blind from the big bang
Yo momma's so old she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party
Yo momma's so old she drove a chariot to high school
Yo momma's so old that when God said let the be light she hit the switch
Yo momma's so old that when she was in school there was no history class
Yo momma's so old the candles cost more than the birthday cake
Yo momma's so old the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
Yo momma's so old they ask to check her bags and she's not carrying any luggage
Yo momma's so old vultures constantly circle her house
Yo momma's so old when Moses parted the Red Sea he found her fishing on the other side
Yo momma's so old when she gave birth, you came out with Dentures
Yo momma's so old when she ran the 100 meter dash they timed her with a sundial
Yo momma's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces
Yo momma's so old when she was a kid there was no old spice it was called baby spice
Yo momma's so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick
Yo momma's so old when she was young rainbows were black and white
Yo momma's so old you put her in a museum instead of an old folks home
Yo momma's so po she can't even afford the last two letters
Yo momma's so poor a hobo threw a cigarette on the floor and she said Thank God we have heat
Yo momma's so poor burglars break in and leave money
Yo momma's so poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folks fingers
Yo momma's so poor even the republicans were willing to give her welfare
Yo momma's so poor her baloney ain't got no first name
Yo momma's so poor her doormat doesnt say Welcome it says Welfare
Yo momma's so poor her front and back doors are on the same hinge
Yo momma's so poor I asked her what's for dinner and she pulled out a gun and said Next one who moves
Yo momma's so poor I asked her where the facilities were and she replied Pick a corner, any corner
Yo momma's so poor I caught her trying to use food stamps in a gumball machine
Yo momma's so poor I lit a match in her house and the roaches started singing Clap your hands stomp your feet praise the Lord cause we got heat
Yo momma's so poor I once threw a stone at a garbage can and out she popped saying Who knocked?
Yo momma's so poor I saw her hanging the toilet paper out to dry
Yo momma's so poor I saw her in the dumpster. I said what are you doing, she said grocery shopping
Yo momma's so poor I saw her shaking a can around and asked her what she was doing and she said Redecorating
Yo momma's so poor I saw her wrestling a squirrel for a peanut
Yo momma's so poor I stepped on her skateboard and she said Hey get off the car
Yo momma's so poor I stepped through her front door and fell out the back
Yo momma's so poor I visited her house, tore down the cob webs, and she screamed Whos taking down the drapes?
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her home asked if I could use her toilet and she said Sure thing its 4th tree on your right
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house and stepped on a cigarette butt and she said Hey who turned off the heater?
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house and swatted a firefly and said Who turned off the lights?
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house asked to use the bathroom and she gave me two sticks I asked her what the sticks were for and she said Ones to hold up the ceiling the other is to fight off the roaches
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house asked to use the bathroom and she said Two buckets to your left
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house asked what was for dinner so she lit my pockets on fire and said Hot Pockets
Yo momma's so poor I walked into her house two roaches tripped me and a rat stole my wallet
Yo momma's so poor I went into her house and flushed a cockroach down the toilet and she said Hey whered Grandma go?
Yo momma's so poor I went into her house and saw a bunch of cockroaches sittin around the toilet singin We are family
Yo momma's so poor I went through her front door and ended up in the back yard
Yo momma's so poor only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted
Yo momma's so poor people rob her house for practice
Yo momma's so poor she bought a tv with only two channels ON and OFF
Yo momma's so poor she bounces food stamps
Yo momma's so poor she can't afford to pay attention
Yo momma's so poor she can't even put her two cents in this conversation
Yo momma's so poor she does drive by shootings on the bus
Yo momma's so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk
Yo momma's so poor she had to get a second mortgage on her cardboard box
Yo momma's so poor she has to take the trash IN
Yo momma's so poor she has to wear her McDonalds uniform to church
Yo momma's so poor she married young just to get the rice
Yo momma's so poor she put a Slurpee on layaway with food stamps
Yo momma's so poor she put free samples on layaway
Yo momma's so poor she tried to use food stamps in soda machines
Yo momma's so poor she was in KMart with a box of Hefty bags I said What are you doing? She said Buying luggage
Yo momma's so poor she watches television on an EtchASketch
Yo momma's so poor she waves an ice cube around and calls it Air conditioning
Yo momma's so poor she's got more furniture on her porch than in her house
Yo momma's so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree
Yo momma's so poor that when I stepped on a monopoly dollar she said get of my life savings
Yo momma's so poor that when I walked into her house with a piece of bread and droped a crumb on the floor she said now clap your hands and stomp your feet praise the lord we got something to eat
Yo momma's so poor the bank repossesed her cardboard box
Yo momma's so poor the closest thing to a car she has is a lowrider shopping cart with a box on it
Yo momma's so poor TV dinner trays are her good china
Yo momma's so poor when I asked what was for dinner she pulled her shoelaces off and said Spagetti
Yo momma's so poor when I rang the doorbell she leaned out the window and said DING DONG
Yo momma's so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush
Yo momma's so poor when I sat on the couch a roach said Get the hell off I pay rent
Yo momma's so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street I asked her what she was doing she said ain't you ever seen a mobile home?
Yo momma's so poor when I saw her rolling some trash cans around in an alley I asked her what she was doing she said Remodeling
Yo momma's so poor when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said Hey miss lost a shoe? she said Nope just found one
Yo momma's so poor when I stepped on her doormat she said Hey you can't go upstairs
Yo momma's so poor when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out
Yo momma's so poor when I was taking family portraits for you and said Cheese she went looking for the line
Yo momma's so poor when I went over to her house for dinner and grabbed a paper plate she said don't use the good china
Yo momma's so poor when I went to use her bathroom I saw a roach sitting on a Pepsi who said "Wait your turn"
Yo momma's so poor when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she growled don't use the good china
Yo momma's so poor when yo family watches TV they go to Sears
Yo momma's got 1 leg longer than other and they call her call her hip hop
Yo momma's got 1 toe and 1 knee and they call her Tony
Yo momma's got 3 toes and 3 knees and they call her Toni Tone Tony
Yo momma's got 3 tongues and talks like this like this like this
Yo momma's got a 4 dollar weave and don't know when to leave
Yo momma's got a afro wit a chin strap
Yo momma's got a bald head with a part and sideburns
Yo momma's got a glass eye talkin bout she can see clearly now
Yo momma's got a glass eye with a fish in it
Yo momma's got a glass eye with a shade
Yo momma's got a glass leg and uses Windex for lotion
Yo momma's got a glass leg with KoolAid in it
Yo momma's got a glass tooth with your fourth grade picture in it
Yo momma's got a house that's so dusty the Cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies
Yo momma's got a leather wig with suede sideburns
Yo momma's got a long sleeved bra
Yo momma's got a metal afro with rusty sideburns
Yo momma's got a pair of high top flip flops
Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns
Yo momma's got a pegleg with a kickstand
Yo momma's got a wait problem she can't wait to eat
Yo momma's got a wheelchair with 5Star rims and a clutch
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with a real foot
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with an owls nest in it
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with branches
Yo momma's got a wooden leg with termites
Yo momma's got a wooden n****e and they call her Corky
Yo momma's got an afro with a turn signal
Yo momma's got an eagles nest wig
Yo momma's got an eating disorder she be eating dis order dat order she be eating all the damn orders
Yo momma's got an electric wig with a sunroof and opera lights
Yo momma's got everything a man could want
Yo momma's got fake hair fake eyes and fake nails talkin bout she wants a real man
Yo momma's got hair on her tongue and she gargles with curl activator
Yo momma's got hit upside the head with an ugly stick
Yo momma's got ingrown nipples
Yo momma's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Yo momma's got more crack than Harlem
Yo momma's got more crust than bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken
Yo momma's got more weave than a dog in traffic
Yo momma's got no arms or legs and when she goes swimmin they call her Bob
Yo momma's got no ears and was trying on sunglasses
Yo momma's got no fingers talking bout how she wanted to be with the Pointer Sisters
Yo momma's got no fingers talking bout how she's gonna press charges
Yo momma's got no fingers talking bout wanted to be with the Pointer sisters
Yo momma's got no legs and always talking about how she used to kick it
Yo momma's got no legs and tried out for track
Yo momma's got no neck talkin bout how she's all choked up
Yo momma's got one ear talking bout she wants to hear both sides of the story
Yo momma's got one eye and one leg and they call her IHOP
Yo momma's got one eye on the right and she's talkin bout Make this left
Yo momma's got one eye one leg one arm and one knee and they call her UNO
Yo momma's got one leg and people call her Ilene
Yo momma's got one leg talkin bout ain't no half steppin
Yo momma's got PlayDoh teeth
Yo momma's got shark teeth
Yo momma's got snakeskin teeth
Yo momma's got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger
Yo momma's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys
Yo momma's got so many rings around belly she's gotta screw her underwear on
Yo momma's got so many teeth missing it looks like her tounge is in jail
Yo momma's got so much dandruff she needs to defrost it before she combs her hair
Yo momma's got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts
Yo momma's got so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid it
Yo momma's got so much hair under her arms it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock
Yo momma's got so much weave AT&T uses her extensions as backup lines
Yo momma's got so much weave when a fly goes by her hair swats at it
Yo momma's got three fingers and a banjo
Yo momma's got three fingers and runs around stealing bowling balls
Yo momma's got three fingers talkin bout Gimme five
Yo momma's got three teeth one in her mouth and two in her pocket
Yo momma's got two fingers and she's a representative for world piece
Yo momma's got two wooden legs and one is on backward
Yo momma aint so bad she would give you the hair off of her back
Yo momma's armpits are so hairy looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock
Yo momma's arms are so short she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear
Yo momma's a** is so fat she got arrested at the airport for having 20 lbs of crack
Yo momma's a** so hairy it look like bob kings boitu to pop out and say open america
Yo momma's a** is so huge she take up 5 rows in the cinema
Yo momma's been on welfare so long they put her face on the food stamps
Yo momma's blind and is seeing another man
Yo momma's booty is so big if You tell her to haul a** she gotta make 2 trips
Yo momma's breath must be taking karate because its really kickin
Yo momma's breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck
Yo momma's breath so bad she has to take prescription Tic Tac
Yo momma's breath so bad she made a tic tac run away
Yo momma's breath so stank needs odor eaters
Yo momma's breath so stank we don't know whether you need gum or toilet paper
Yo momma's breath so stank when she exhales her teeth have to duck
Yo momma's breath so stinky she needs odor eaters
Yo momma's breath so stinky when she exhales her teeth have to duck
Yo momma's breath stinks so bad that people look forward to her farts
Yo momma's butt is so big it looks like 2 pigs fighting over milk duds
Yo momma's butt is so bony she put her drawers on and cut them in two
Yo momma's butt is so fat if you put numbers on it she could stamp license plates
Yo momma's car's so ugly someone broke in just to steal The CLUB
Yo momma's code so bloated she makes assembly look like C
Yo momma's crosseyed and watches TV in stereo
Yo momma's dial up internet is faster then her
Yo momma's Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat to the dump?
Yo momma's Do you know the story about the little old woman that lives in a shoe? Well Yo momma's so poor she live in a flip flop
Yo momma's drawers are so dirty the roaches check in but they don't check out
Yo momma's ears got so much wax she got a job as a candle
Yo momma's feet are so ashy it looks like she kicks flour for a living
Yo momma's feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates
Yo momma's feet are so big she could get a job helping Smokey the Bear stomp out forest fires
Yo momma's feet are so stanky she should be charged with sock abuse
Yo momma's feet so fat her sneakers need license plates
Yo momma's feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes
Yo momma's so fat she bit into a school bus and said where's the cream filling
Yo momma's forehead is so big you could show slides on it
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving
Yo momma's so grouchy the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals
Yo momma's gums so black she spits Chocolate Milk
Yo momma's gums so black that she spits Yoo hoo
Yo momma's hair so greasy you could fry a chiken in it
Yo momma's hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it
Yo momma's hair so short she curls it with rice
Yo momma's hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches
Yo momma's has 10 fingers, all on the same hand
Yo momma's has 3 eyes and they call her Eyeeyeeye
Yo momma's has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses
Yo momma's has a fro with landing lights
Yo momma's has a glass eye with a fish in it
Yo momma's has a major weight problem she can't wait to eat
Yo momma's has a moustache and they call her Bob
Yo momma's has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns
Yo momma's has a short arm and can't applaude
Yo momma's has a short leg and walks in circles
Yo momma's has a wooden afro with an X carved in the back
Yo momma's has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it
Yo momma's has green hair and thinks she's a tree
Yo momma's has no arms and bought a vest
Yo momma's has one arm and swims in circles
Yo momma's has one arm and when she fights the announcer says She throws a right a right and another right
Yo momma's has one hand and a Clapper
Yo momma's has one leg and a bicycle
Yo momma's has one leg and swims in circles
Yo momma's has one tooth and they call her Chopper One
Yo momma's has one tooth and they call her DrillBit
Yo momma's has one tooth in the front and one tooth in the back talkin bout let me get a bite
Yo momma's has so many vericose veins her body could double as a road map
Yo momma's has so much hair on her upper lip she braids it
Yo momma's has so much wax in her ears I stuck a QTip in and pulled out a Sugar Daddy
Yo momma's head so big it shows up on radar
Yo momma's head so big she don't have dreams she have movies
Yo momma's head so big she has to step into her shirts
Yo momma's head so fat she has to wash her hair at Niagara falls
Yo momma's head so little could wear fruit loops as head rags
Yo momma's head so nappy when she combs her hair her teeth bleed
Yo momma's head so small she use a teabag as a pillow
Yo momma's head so small that she got her ear pierced and died
Yo momma's hips are so big people set their drinks on them
Yo momma's house so damned cold the roaches ice skate around the kitchen
Yo momma's house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies
Yo momma's house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside
Yo momma's house so small her washcloth makes wall to wall carpeting
Yo momma's house so small she can't even order a large pizza
Yo momma's house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window
Yo momma's house so small the doormat just says WEL
Yo momma's house so small you have to go outside to change your mind
I don't mean to be mean but yo momma needs listerine not a sip not a swallow but the whole damn bottle
I get up faster then yo momma's falls
I got notin bad to say about yo momma, heck her face says it all
I got on the train last night they had a new sign up reading Maximum Occupancy: 200 Patrons OR Yo momma
I heard that yo momma is on the warpath, she lost a finger and now can't count past 9
I heard yo house was made out of toilet paper why? cuz your whole family is full of crap
I saw yo momma kicking a can down the street I asked her what she was doing and she said moving
I was speaking to your parents they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot
I was walking down the street with yo momma and they started shooting they said hit the dirt and everyone jumped on back
If my dog had a face as ugly as yo momma's I'd shave his a** and make him walk backwards
Yo momma's in a wheelchair and says You ain't gonna push me round no more
Yo momma's is not really so bad I hear she would give you the hair off her back
Yo momma's is twice the man you are
Yo momma's is ugly she is ugly as sin
Yo momma's legs are so hairy if she had fur coat and a banana they'd stick her in a zoo.
Yo momma's legs are so short she can swing them from a curve
Yo momma's like 7up never had it never will
Yo momma's like a bowling ball she always winds up in the gutter
Yo momma's like spoiled milk fat and chunky
Yo momma's lips are so big when you smile you wet your hair
Yo momma's lips so big Chap Stick had to invent a spray
Yo momma's may be old but she still parties like its 1899
Yo momma's mouth so big it takes her an hour to put on her lipstick
Yo momma's mouth so big she speaks in surround sound
Yo momma's neck so damn wrinkled I use it as a cheese grater
Yo momma's nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat
Yo momma's nose so big the last time I saw one like it it was attached to an elephant
Yo momma's nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers
Yo momma's only got one finger and runs around stealing key rings
Yo momma's sets off car alarms when she runs
Yo momma's smells so bad she went to Taco Bell and everyone ran for the border
Yo momma's smells so bad when she went to make friends with a skunk the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose
Yo momma's so backwards she sits on the TV and watches the couch
Yo momma's so bad I think its a new world record
Yo momma's so bad when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty
Yo momma's so bald even a wig wouldnt help
Yo momma's so bald Mr Clean got jealous
Yo momma's so bald she curls her hair with rice
Yo momma's so bald that she took a shower and got brainwashed
Yo momma's so bald that when she put on a sweater folk thought she was a roll on deoderant
Yo momma's so bald you can see whats on her mind
Yo momma's so boring she makes debugging Prolog seem fun
Yo momma's so cheap instead of buying a fire alarm she hangs Jiffy Pop from the ceiling
Yo momma's so crazy she makes pi look rational
Yo momma's so damn strange that she invented a waterproof teabag
Yo momma's so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo
Yo momma's so dirty a family of mice inhabit her belly button
Yo momma's so dirty her Sure deodorant is now Confused
Yo momma's so dirty she actually repels mosquitoes
Yo momma's so dirty she gives me ring around the collar
Yo momma's so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater
Yo momma's so dirty she leaves a ring around the public swimming pool
Yo momma's so dirty she lost 2 pounds after taking a shower
Yo momma's so dirty she made right guard turn left
Yo momma's so dirty she makes mud look clean
Yo momma's so dirty she slowed down speed stick
Yo momma's so dirty skunks give her house a wide berth
Yo momma's so dirty that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered
Yo momma's so dirty that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons
Yo momma's so dirty that standin next to a tramp she make the tramp look like a butler
Yo momma's so dirty they filmed Gorillas in the mist in her shower
Yo momma's so dirty when her drill sergant said hit the dirt everyone started hitting her.
Yo momma's so dirty you can tell her age by the rings underneath her armpits
Yo momma's so evil she makes the devil look like a good guy
Yo momma's so fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton
Yo momma's so fat when she walks her butt claps
Yo momma's so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling his baby
Yo momma's so big her belly buttons got an echo
Yo momma's so big it takes her 2 hours just to haul a**
Yo momma's so big she can't wear an X jacket cause choppers keep landing on her back
Yo momma's so big she plays marbles with planets
Yo momma's so big she rollerskates on busses
Yo momma's so big she thought Barnum and Bailey were clothing designers
Yo momma's so big she uses a jungle gym for a walker
Yo momma's so big she uses big bird as a rubber ducky
Yo momma's so big she uses bowling balls for earrings
Yo momma's so big she uses I95 for a Slip n Slide
Yo momma's so big she uses the interstate for a Slip n Slide
Yo momma's so big she wears two watches one for each time zone
Yo momma's so big she whistles bass
Yo momma's so big that her graduation picture had to be an aerial view
Yo momma's so big that she climbed Mt Fuji with one step
Yo momma's so big that they had to change One size fits all to One size fits most
Yo momma's so big they had to paint a stripe down her back to see if she was walking or rolling
Yo momma's so big when she bent down to tie her shoes her face got burnt from reentry
Yo momma's so big when she goes in the water at the beach she changes the tide
Yo momma's so big when she goes to the movie theatre she sits next to everybody
Yo momma's so big when she stands up the sun goes out
Yo momma's so big when she took a trip to China the chinese people screamed "GODZILLA!!"
Yo momma's so big when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly they stamped Goodyear on her and sent her out to the runway
Yo momma's so big when the family wants to watch home movies they ask her to wear white
Yo momma's so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck
Yo momma's so fat when I watch tv and she walks in front of it I miss 3 episodes of my show
Yo momma's so fat her legs are like spoiled milk: white and chunky
Yo momma's so fat when you went to the beach a blue whale wanted her children
Yo momma's so fat a picture of her fell off the wall
Yo momma's so fat after she got off the carousel the horse limped for a week
Yo momma's so fat all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor
Yo momma's so fat and dumb she used saturn's ring as a hula hoop
Yo momma's so fat and her back so crooked when she lays down people say I didn't know we had mountains
Yo momma's so fat and old that when God said let there be ight he told her to move her fat a** out of the way
Yo momma's so fat and short and yo daddy so tall and skinny they stand next to each other and make the number 10
Yo momma's so fat and stupid her waist size is larger than her IQ
Yo momma's so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates
Yo momma's so fat and you're so poor when she comes in your house the tires pop
Yo momma's so fat as a kid she couldn't play Hidenseek just seek
Yo momma's so fat at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts
Yo momma's so fat by the time she sets her clock its an hour off
Yo momma's so fat that Goodyear come to her to restock on tires
Yo momma's so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction
Yo momma's so fat even her clothes have stretch marks
Yo momma's so fat even her shadow has stretch marks
Yo momma's so fat even Richard Simmons laughs at her
Yo momma's so fat every time she turn around its her next birthday
Yo momma's so fat every time she wears high heels she strikes oil
Yo momma's so fat Fat Albert gave her the rights to say Hey hey hey
Yo momma's so fat folk exercise by jogging around her
Yo momma's so fat God created her and on the seventh day he rested
Yo momma's so fat her a** has its own congressman
Yo momma's so fat her a** looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud
Yo momma's so fat her belly button doesnt have lint it has sweaters
Yo momma's so fat her belly button has got an echo
Yo momma's so fat her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine
Yo momma's so fat her belt size is the equator
Yo momma's so fat her big toe got stuck in the catflap
Yo momma's so fat her blood type is ragu
Yo momma's so fat her blood type is rockyroad
Yo momma's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes
Yo momma's so fat her car is made out of spandex
Yo momma's so fat her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard
Yo momma's so fat her doctor is a grounds keeper
Yo momma's so fat her drivers license says Picture continued on other side
Yo momma's so fat her favorite food is seconds
Yo momma's so fat her favorite blouse is a tent
Yo momma's so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs
Yo momma's so fat her nickname is Damn
Yo momma's so fat her parents had to take her to sea world to get baptized
Yo momma's so fat her picture takes two frames
Yo momma's so fat her shadow weighs 50 pounds
Yo momma's so fat her skates went flat
Yo momma's so fat her stomach got a cell phone to call her mouth when its time to eat
Yo momma's so fat her tailor takes her measurements in light years
Yo momma's so fat her toes bleed when she walks
Yo momma's so fat her yearbook picture is an aerial photograph
Yo momma's so fat I can't see around her
Yo momma's so fat I gain weight just by watching her eat
Yo momma's so fat I gotta take 3 steps back just to see all of her
Yo momma's so fat I had to take 2 planes 3 buses and 5 cabs just to get on her good side
Yo momma's so fat I ran around her twice and got lost
Yo momma's so fat I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4 5 6 7 and 8
Yo momma's so fat I saw her in New York and when I told my friend in LA he'd seen her too
Yo momma's So fat I shot her and Crisco came out
Yo momma's so fat I swerved to miss her but ran out of gas
Yo momma's so fat I think its a new world record
Yo momma's So fat if she got her shoes shined she would have to take the guys word for it
Yo momma's so fat if she weighed five more pounds she could get group insurance
Yo momma's so fat if she were an airplane she'd be a jumbo jet
Yo momma's so fat instead of Levis 501 jeans she wears Levis 1002s
Yo momma's so fat instead of wide leg jeans she wears wide load
Yo momma's so fat it takes a forklift to help her stand up
Yo momma's so fat it takes a year to download her picture
Yo momma's so fat I've known her all my life and I still havent seen ALL of her
Yo momma's so fat when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo people walked by and said Look at the elephant
Yo momma's so fat McDonalds has to change their sign every time she eats
Yo momma's so fat my dog bit her and died of high cholesterol
Yo momma's so fat NASA has a satellite orbiting around her
Yo momma's so fat NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer
Yo momma's so fat no one can talk behind her back
Yo momma's so fat on a scale of 1 to 10 she's a 747
Yo momma's so fat on each of her butt cheeks she has Place Your Ad Here printed
Yo momma's so fat on Halloween she says trick or meatloaf
Yo momma's so fat on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time
Yo momma's so fat one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling Hey the School Bus is here
Yo momma's so fat people use her dandruff as quilts
Yo momma's so fat she accidently got a 747 caught in her teeth
Yo momma's so fat she ain't on a diet, she's on a Triet, she's all like Whatever yo eating I'll try it
Yo momma's so fat she broke a branch off of the family tree
Yo momma's so fat she broke her leg and gravy dripped out
Yo momma's so fat she bungee jumped and fell straight to Hell
Yo momma's so fat she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change
Yo momma's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion
Yo momma's so fat she has to have you tie her shoes for her
Yo momma's so fat she can't reach her back pocket
Yo momma's so fat she can't wear Daisy Dukes She has to wear Boss Hoggs
Yo momma's so fat she could be the eighth continent
Yo momma's so fat she could sell shade
Yo momma's so fat she deep fries her toothpaste
Yo momma's so fat she did a back flip and landed on the moon
Yo momma's so fat she DJs for the ice cream truck
Yo momma's so fat she doesnt have love handles she has a roll bar
Yo momma's so fat she don't eat Wheat Thins she eats Wheat Thicks
Yo momma's so fat she don't know whether she's walking or rolling
Yo momma's so fat she don't wear a GString she wears an A B C D E F G String
Yo momma's so fat she eats biscuits like tic tacs
Yo momma's so fat she eats cereal out of a satellite dish
Yo momma's so fat she eats desert out of a Trash Can lid
Yo momma's so fat she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles
Yo momma's so fat she entered a fat contest and won first second and third
Yo momma's so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon
Yo momma's so fat she fell in love and broke it
Yo momma's so fat she fell off a boat and the captain yelled Land Ho
Yo momma's so fat she fills up the bath tub and then she turns on the water
Yo momma's so fat she freebases ham
Yo momma's so fat she gets clothes in three sizes: extra fat jumbo and ohmygoditscomingtowardsus
Yo momma's so fat she gets runs in her jeans
Yo momma's so fat she gets stuck in her dreams
Yo momma's so fat she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tictacs
Yo momma's so fat she goes to a restaurant looks at the menu and says Okay
Yo momma's so fat she got a gravitational pull
Yo momma's so fat she got a new job at the Cinema, she works as the screen
Yo momma's so fat she got a speed pass for Dairy Queen
Yo momma's so fat she got her baby pictures taken by satellite
Yo momma's so fat she got hit by a truck and asked Who threw that rock?
Yo momma's so fat she got tired climbing the escalater
Yo momma's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo momma's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon
Yo momma's so fat she had to be baptized in the Atlantic Ocean
Yo momma's so fat she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan
Yo momma's so fat she has a greater gravitational attraction than a black hole
Yo momma's so fat she has a parttime job as a trampoline
Yo momma's so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand
Yo momma's so fat she has all the caterers on speed dial
Yo momma's so fat she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas English Muffin
Yo momma's so fat she has smaller fat women orbiting her
Yo momma's so fat she has TB: Two bellies
Yo momma's so fat she has to get out of the car to change gears
Yo momma's so fat she has to get out of the car to change the radio station
Yo momma's so fat she has to go outside to put on deodorant
Yo momma's so fat she has to go outside to sit around the house
Yo momma's so fat she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets
Yo momma's so fat she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other
Yo momma's so fat she has to put a bookmarker in her rolls to find her belly button
Yo momma's so fat she has to put her belt on with a boomerang
Yo momma's so fat she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master
Yo momma's so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper
Yo momma's so fat she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks
Yo momma's so fat she has to wear a long sleeved turtleneck bra
Yo momma's so fat she has to wear a three piece bathing suit
Yo momma's so fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up
Yo momma's so fat she jumped for joy and got stuck
Yo momma's so fat she jumped in a pool and cause a tidal wave
Yo momma's so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo momma's so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo momma's so fat she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub
Yo momma's so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops
Yo momma's so fat she lost a game at Hide&Seek only because I spotted her behind Mount Everest
Yo momma's so fat she made Richard Simmons cry
Yo momma's so fat she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic
Yo momma's so fat she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic
Yo momma's so fat she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck
Yo momma's so fat she makes Free Willy look like a TicTac
Yo momma's so fat she measures 36 24 36 and the other arm is just as big
Yo momma's so fat she nearly put Safeway out of business
Yo momma's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep her socks up
Yo momma's so fat she needs a map to find her butt
Yo momma's so fat she once told me she could eat a horse, and she wasn't kidding
Yo momma's so fat she once went on a seafood diet, whenever she saw food she ate it
Yo momma's so fat she plays frisbee with ufos
Yo momma's so fat she plays hopscotch like this: LA Detroit Chicago New York
Yo momma's so fat she pulls up a chair to an all-you-can-eat buffet
Yo momma's so fat she put on a red outfit and people mistaked her for the KoolAid man
Yo momma's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller
Yo momma's so fat she put on some BVDs and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard
Yo momma's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin
Yo momma's so fat she ran outside in a yellow dress all the kids started running after her cause they thought they missed the bus
Yo momma's so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar
Yo momma's so fat she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a dollar and made change
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washingtons nose
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles
Yo momma's so fat she sat on a rowing machine and it sank
Yo momma's so fat she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic
Yo momma's so fat she sat on the Bible and Jesus popped out
Yo momma's so fat she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and said "Stop That Twinkie!"
Yo momma's so fat she shaves her legs with a lawn mower
Yo momma's so fat she shops for clothes in the local tent shop
Yo momma's so fat she smells like bacon at 90 degrees
Yo momma's so fat she started singing we are family McDonalds Burger King and me
Yo momma's so fat she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number
Yo momma's so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it said Please step out of the car
Yo momma's so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her Sorry we don't do livestock
Yo momma's so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine
Yo momma's so fat she steps on a scale and it said one at a time please
Yo momma's so fat she stole my pillow cases when she ran outta socks
Yo momma's so fat she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H D
Yo momma's so fat she sweats Crisco
Yo momma's so fat she takes baths in swimming pools
Yo momma's so fat she takes posters not pictures
Yo momma's so fat she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand
Yo momma's so fat she thinks Church's Chickens a holy place
Yo momma's so fat she thought gravy was a beverage
Yo momma's so fat she tried to get an all over tan and the sun burned out
Yo momma's so fat she tripped on WalMart fell over Kmart and landed right on Target
Yo momma's so fat she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn
Yo momma's so fat she uses a laptop as a cell phone
Yo momma's so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm
Yo momma's so fat she uses a blanket as a washcloth
Yo momma's so fat she uses C++++
Yo momma's so fat she uses navy ships as jet skis
Yo momma's so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo momma's so fat she uses sleeping bags for leg warmers
Yo momma's so fat she uses the carpet as a blanket
Yo momma's so fat she wakes up in sections
Yo momma's so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials
Yo momma's so fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth
Yo momma's so fat she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave her 17 years to live
Yo momma's so fat she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World
Yo momma's so fat she was in the New York Times last week on page 5 6 7 8 and 9
Yo momma's so fat she was zoned for commercial development
Yo momma's so fat she wears a hula hoop for a belly button ring
Yo momma's so fat she wears a Microwave as a beeper
Yo momma's so fat she wears a real horse on her Polo shirt
Yo momma's so fat she wears a sign that says Caution Wide Turn
Yo momma's so fat she wears an asteroid belt
Yo momma's so fat she went on a light diet, and as soon as its light she starts eating
Yo momma's so fat she went to Jenny Craigs and they said we asked for your weight not your phone number
Yo momma's so fat she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy
Yo momma's so fat she went to Sizzler and got a group discount
Yo momma's so fat she's got her own zip code
Yo momma's so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book
Yo momma's so fat she's moving the Earth out of its orbit
Yo momma's so fat she's on both side of the family
Yo momma's so fat she's once twice three times a lady
Yo momma's so fat she's taller lying down
Yo momma's so fat someone tries to take a picture of her with a digital camera and it read Not Enough Space
Yo momma's so fat stunt agencies use her as an air mattress
Yo momma's so fat that she needs a solar panel to see her reflection
Yo momma's so fat that she went to the beach, dove, and the Asians said tsunami
Yo momma's so fat that she would have been in ET but when she rode the bike across the moon she caused an eclipse
Yo momma's so fat that when she fell no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up
Yo momma's so fat that when she put on a white jacket everybody yells look its the Michelin Man
Yo momma's so fat that when she walks across the living room the radio skips
Yo momma's so fat that when she was born she gave the hospital stretch marks
Yo momma's so fat that when she went on a scale it reads To Infinity and Beyond
Yo momma's so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped
Yo momma's so fat that when u were born they had to send out a search party to find you
Yo momma's so fat the animals at the zoo feed her
Yo momma's so fat the body snatchers called home for backup
Yo momma's so fat the circus use her as a trampoline
Yo momma's so fat the earth orbits around her instead of the sun
Yo momma's so fat the highway patrol made her wear Caution Wide Turn
Yo momma's so fat the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale
Yo momma's so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts
Yo momma's so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo momma's so fat the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms
Yo momma's so fat the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door
Yo momma's so fat the only thing thats attracted to her is gravity
Yo momma's so fat they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through
Yo momma's so fat they had to install speed bumps at the all-you-can-eat buffet
Yo momma's so fat they have to run a relay race to get her belt through her belt loops
Yo momma's so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it
Yo momma's so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo momma's so fat to her light food means under 4 Tons
Yo momma's so fat she's in shape, round
Yo momma's so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet
Yo momma's so fat when a cop saw her he told her Hey you two break it up
Yo momma's so fat when brought her dress to the cleaners the people said sorry we don't do curtains
Yo momma's so f
monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:34am · 0 Comments |
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Learn Chinese
English Phrase / Chinese Translation
1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong
2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao
4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King
5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan
7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni
8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat
9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim
10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King
12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo
14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka
15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16. "Great"......................... Su Pah
monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:28am · 0 Comments |
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Computer Geek Pickup Lines
I wish to uncompress you over *all* my disk space.
Oh little processer of my desire!
Be the hard drive of my dreams.
I want all of our functions to be read/write.
Living with you is like virtual reality.
We can make beautiful .wav files together.
May we never have any bad CRC's.
I output gibberish as you tap my keypad.
Before you, I was a PC without a power outlet.
Let's interface our hardware.
Press any key to continue.
May our communication always be synchronous.
Don't worry, the first couple of times it's always Abort, Retry, Fail.
I'll always have cache for you.
Our LoveRoutines link perfectly.
Ever since I met you, I've been looping a recursive subroutine.
No kinky Windows stuff.
I think we should increase our bandwidth.
Every once and a while two numbers meet, link, and become forever binary.
Well, if that's how you feel, I guess it's time to upgrade.
Oh, you found out about my backups, didn't you?
Trust me, I'm user friendly.
Well, now you've gone and killed my process.
You can't exit yet, you still have stopped jobs!
Phone for you, I think it's your motherboard.
monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:23am · 1 Comments |
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Bad Kitty
This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson.
A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30
a.m., bed at night, TV
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new
speakers, wallpaper, window screen
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return,
the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table,
big people's shoes, bathtub
5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls
6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the houseplants, half-digested food
7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or housekeys under the carpet.
8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, houseplant, human's
toes, baby, human
9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza
10. [xxx] is not a bed/litter box.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people's wedding, piano strings, mommy's sock drawer.
11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer, the newspaper, Mummy, open milk cartons,
toilet paper, pantyhose, paper clips, human's toes, the produce ripening
on the kitchen counter, Q-tips.
12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher.
13. I will not jump onto the [aaa] to knock over the [bbb] or I will be [ccc]
(if they can ever catch me, that is).
aaa - fireplace mantel, counter top, window box, entertainment center
bbb - wedding album, vases, dishes, houseplant, curios
ccc - scolded, locked in the basement, shot, punted, terrorized
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(These are jokes! I only THINK of doing these things. God, how I think
of these!
B. Others
1. My human's p***s is NOT a toy.
2. Wastebaskets do not have toys in them.
3. The black animal with white stripes is not a plaything.
4. My singing does not provide cultural enrichment.
5. I will not wake my human up at 3 a.m. for breakfast.
6. I will not play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.
7. Night time is a good time to *sleep*.
8. The closet is a bad place to go to sharpen my claws.
9. I will not track kitty litter all over the apartment.
10. I will not jump on the break key when my human is on the modem.
11. I will not faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.
12. I recognize that you brought that other cat home as a friend for me and not
as a target of guerrilla attacks.
13. I will not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
14. I will not peel and eat the raw potatoes you have in the basement.
15. I will not throw up on highly absorbing surfaces.
16. The human's food is not meant to be shared with me.
17. I CAN eat a variety of different kinds of cat food.
18. I will not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
19. Other cats' food belongs to *other* cats.
20. The dog food belongs to the dogs.
21. Mummy's face is not a pillow.
22. Mummy's earlobes are not treats.
23. Mummy's hair is not dental floss.
24. Mummy's students' papers are not prey.
(silly students... they want to know why they get teethmarks back with
their comments...)
25. I am not transparent: I shouldn't sit in front of the TV screen.
26. The doorjambs are not made for climbing.
27. We do not kill our prey in the house.
28. We do not leave bits and pieces of our prey on stoves, beds and kitchen
counters.
29. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
30. I will not sprawl on the papers my human is trying to mark.
31. I will not jump to the top of the refrigerator and then projectile vomit all
over the kitchen. (My former roommate's cat did this on a regular basis.)
32. I will not use my female human's chest as a springboard.
33. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
34. The toilet paper does not exist so that I can shred it into little bits.
35. The other cats are not chew toys.
36. The piano is for humans to play.
37. The toilet is not a good place from which to drink water.
38. A silk dress is not to be pulled off its hanger and used as a nest.
39. If I don't eat all the kibbles at once, I won't barf later.
40. I will not lay on my human's face in the middle of the night.
41. I will not snitch dinner from the humans.
42. If I get in the shower while it's running, I will get wet.
43. I will not claw a hole in the sofa/box spring to make a nest.
44. People cannot see me on the floor when they are making the 3 AM bathroom
run or have an armload of groceries.
45. I do not need to be spoon fed.
46. The bed is not a WWF wrestling ring.
47. I will not turn off the answering machine when I play, which greatly upsets
my human and destroys her already impared social life.
48. I will not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking my butt.
49. I will not toss my poop out of the litterbox and play hockey with it.
50. I will not lie down with my butt in the human's face.
51. I will not knock over the stacks of CDs.
52. I will not call someone on the phone. (Yes, this happened. 1) Step on the
speaker button 2) Step on speed dial button)
53. I will not (hang up the phone|press the buttons) when the human is on the
phone.
54. I will not press the reset button on the computer.
55. I will not walk on the keyboard.
56. I will not step on the (volume control|channel changer|power button) on the
(stereo|VCR|TV) remote. (I make sure they point away from the item in
question to avoid this after the stereo started getting really loud
seemingly on its own one morning.)
57. I will not knock things off the coffee table so I can lie down more
comfortably.
58. I will not ask (to be fed|to be petted|to go out) when the humans are making
whoopee.
59. I will not leap from great heights on to my seated human's genital region.
60. The vacuum cleaner is my *friend*.
61. I will not lie down and purr in the path of advancing cars.
62. Rottweilers are not to be f**ked with.
63. Fast as I am, I cannot run through closed doors.
64. I will not jump off the ceiling fan when daddy comes home and turns it on!
(I have NO idea how he got up there!! It scared the S**T outta me)
65. I will no longer hurl plants off the window sill onto my mom's head in the
early hours of the morning.
66. I will not balance my 25 pound body on my human's full bladder.
67. I will not put my paw under a moving sewing machine needle!
(Thank god my "mommy" wasn't using pink thread, she wouldn't have been able
to find the thread to pull it out of my paw.)
68. I will not hide under the clothes on mommy's dress form and then try to use
the item as a scratching post and scratch my mom.
69. I will not put my tail/paws in places where they can be stepped on.
70. I will show remorse when I'm being scolded.
71. I will not attack another cat while his/her head is sticking out of the
litter box.
72. I will not sneak up behind my human so that when he turns around he either
trips or twists his ankle when trying to avoid stepping on me!!
73. I will not wait until my people have visitors before I go and get a tampon
from its box and bring it downstairs to kill it.
74. I will not drink the bathwater while my human is taking a bath!
75. I will not try to dig to China from my litter box.
76. I will pee in the litter box, not on the bag with clean litter in it.
77. I will not bother mommy when she's practicing her suture patterns.
78. The other cat does not like it when I play with her tail.
79. I will not head butt the control pad/joystick when the human is 10 seconds
away from completing a game after 2 hours work, when on his last man.
80. I will not use my human to hide behind in hide and seek.
81. I will not harass the gerbils/hamsters/guinea pigs.
82. I will not bat every toy I own under the couch and then meow until someone
comes and gets them (at 3 a.m.) for me.
83. My human's car and house keys are not toys and are certainly not something
he wishes to play search-and-find when he is late for work.
84. I will not jump on the kitchen counter and make off with the roast beef
(or the roast chicken).
85. Twenty pound kitties should not climb to the top of small trees and cause
them to bend in half.
86. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in
its bowl.
87. I will not have urine wars with the new cat in the house on the kitchen
counter.
88. I will wait until my master's bird-loving girlfriend leaves before bringing
in a half-dead, still chirping, baby bird.
89. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as
my master is explaining to the bird-loving girlfriend how graceful I am.
90. I will not get on the roof, meow frantically, then claw my master as he
tries to rescue me with a ladder.
91. I will not lie on my master's girlfriend's chest with my butt in her face.
92. I will not use car windshields as slides when I have muddy feet.
93. I will not knock my toys under the refrigerator.
94. I will not swim in the toilet/bathtub/dirty dish water.
95. I will not climb my human's leg to get tuna fish.
96. I will not sleep on my human's head.
97. I will not sleep under the blanket on the couch so that people sit on me.
98. I will not reset my human's alarm clock by walking on it.
99. I will not climb on top of the garbage can with the hinged lid, as I will
fall in and trap myself.
100. I will not get stuck in rolled up newspapers.
101. I will not stalk my neighbor's cocker spaniel and scare it half to death.
102. I will not round up my neighbour's sheep.
(Hard to believe, but earlier this year I found N.D.F., one of our big
black and white males, had rounded up one neighbour's flock of fifty sheep
into a corner of their paddock. He didn't seem to know what to do with
them next, so I left him to it...)
103. I will not put my lovely new rabbits foot in Mummie's roller pan when it
is filled with nice pink paint AND expect her to throw it for me so I can
fetch it.
104. I will not interfere with the broom when my human is sweeping the floor.
105. I will not sink my claws into Mom's shoulder to get better traction for a
jump.
106. I will not knock pennies off the nightstand at 3 AM in order to get
Mom's attention.
107. Mom's dirty undies belong in the laundry pile, not in the middle of
the living room floor or next to my food dish.
108. Mom will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.
109. I will not jump on the toilet seat just as my human is sitting down.
110. Now that I'm neutered, I will no longer chase and mount the spayed female
cats.
111. I will not play the game "tiger attack" when mommy is weeding the garden.
112. I will not steal mom's pendant and hide it under the pillow.
113. Pipe cleaners are for pipestems and are not kitty toys.
114. Bundles of pipe cleaners are not Santa's gift bag.
115. I will not raid the ashtray for used pipe cleaners.
116. I will not steal the scrubpad from the sink and drag it all over the
house.
117. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt
to catch them.
118. I will not knock the area rugs all over the hardwood floor.
119. I will not upset the recycling bin all over the kitchen floor.
120. I will not remove all the nifty shiny things from the jewelery box on
top of the five-foot tall clothes dresser.
121. Mommy's breasts are not pillows that need fluffing.
122. The living room is not a jungle gym with walls and curtains to be climbed.
123. I will cover my "presents" in the litter-box.
124. I realize that the house is not a prison, from which to escape at any
opportunity.
125. I will not trip mommy or daddy on the way to the kitchen, even if they are
walking too slow.
126. Open windows are not meant to be jumped out of.
127. Morning wake-up calls for breakfast will be more polite.
128. I won't be grumpy anymore when being moved from the toilet lid ... my
favorite place to nap.
129. Scratching posts were meant to be used, not laughed at.
130. The vet is a friend.
131. Christmas ornaments are not toys.
132. Lit candles can burn me if I get too curious.
133. I realize that you are not trying to get away from me when you close the
bathroom door, so I won't open it [especially] when we have guests.
134. I will not zip out the front door when the delivery man comes and the
house guest answers the door, and then is forced to run all over the
neighborhood chasing the 'cat on the run' in her house coat.
135. I will not attack whatever dog comes innocently sniffing around the
bushes at the front of the house.
136. I will not use the nicely carved kitchen table leg or the kitchen drawers
as my scratching post.
137. I will not go to the linen closet to do my washing up when I come muddy
and wet from my outing.
138. I am not an alarm clock and am not obligated to wake the humans.
139. I don't ALWAYS have to be the centre of attention.
140. The roof is not a racetrack for cats (or crows).
141. My human does not need rescuing from the bath.
142. Taking a bath is not dangerous for my human.
143. The doctor on a housecall does not need assistance. His bag is not the
perfect hiding place.
144. A loaf of unbaked bread is not my pillow (ours once slept on the dough
made into bread and left to rise on the kitchen counter).
145. The outer windowsills, on floors 3 and above, are not good playing
grounds. (Ours fell down 4 floors, limped a couple of days afterwards).
146. My human and her friends can sing without my assistance (a Siamese wailing
is quite something.)
147. Having my claws trimmed is a good thing and doesn't hurt, so I shouldn't
struggle.
148. I will not lick at the faucet to encourage my human to turn on the
drinking water.
149. I will not demonstrate my intelligence by playing with the alarm clock
and a) turning on the alarm in the middle of the night, b) turning off
the alarm so my human doesn't wake up, c) changing the time. If I do
this, my human will be angry, not impressed.
150. My human is a good gardener, and the plants do not need extra fertilizer.
151. I will not chew the corners off my human's books/comics.
152. Looking adorable after misbehaving will not negate my crime.
153. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder
(with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly
in. (My eldest cat has done this for *years*...)
154. The cockatiel *likes* to be left in his cage.
155. The cockatiel cage is not an indoor tree.
156. Walking around the house with cockatiel feathers in my mouth is not funny.
157. Running down a ladder head first is a silly thing to do. (Again, my
eldest cat has done this for years too, and often misses a rung and ends
up hanging onto one rung with her front paws with the rest of her
swinging in the breeze.)
158. The German Shepherd is not to be ridden on or attacked at random.
(Again, my eldest did this for years, until the dog died...)
159. The bed is not "home free."
160. I will not jump off the top of the cat tree onto the bed and/or its
occupants.
161. No matter how much I rub against it, the squirt gun is not my friend.
162. If I beg for food I will eat it.
163. I will not try to taste the gerbils when Mom is holding one.
164. Fish that jump out of the tank are not toys.
165. Snakes do not taste good.
166. I will play with the humans when they want, not when I want.
167. I will not fight over the catnip.
168. I will not steal the other cat's toys.
169. I will not destroy a toy the first time I play with it.
170. There are better ways to "punish" the human than whizzing on something.
171. I will not play "Charge of the Light Brigade" with the other cat in the
hallway at 3 a.m.
172. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
173. I will not ignore my new toy only to suddenly find it interesting at 3 AM.
174. I will not leap onto visiting grandmother's shoulders by catapulting
myself from the back of a chair after getting a running start from across
the room. (Yes, my cat actually performed this circus stunt, almost
sending my grandmother into coronary care)
175. I will not open the window coverings and cause the unclothed human to
flash his/her neighbors. (The little scamp likes to play on the window
sill with the vertical blinds and has done this to me.)
176. I will not scoop the water from my bowl (and wonder why my paw is wet!)
177. I will allow the human to get back to sleep after he goes to the bathroom.
178. I will not pull dirty socks out of the laundry basket and a) leave them
artfully scattered around the house when my Mom brings guests home, or
b) soak them in my water dish and leave them on my Mom's pillow.
179. I will not shred the kitchen sponge all over the carpet.
180. I will not chew holes in the bags of clean kitty litter and spread it on
the floor.
181. Vases of flowers are not food.
182. I will not shred the Bad Kitty List when my human (it's creator!) leaves
it lying on his desk.
BAD HUMAN!
This is the reverse of the "Bad Kitty!" list. That is, what would your cat(s)
make you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"?
1. I will not laugh when my master chases her tail.
2. I will be ready to play whenever my master is.
3. I will not let my master in/out "when I feel like it".
4. There must always be food in my master's dish.
5. I will graciously accept the wildlife offerings from my master.
6. I will watch where I put my big feet.
7. I will not fuss when my master is patrolling the table/kitchen counter/
dresser for prey.
8. I will not chase my master with the awful noisy vacuum cleaner.
9. I will supply my master with toys and will not begrudge him if he decides
to find some new ones on his own.
10. I will not move my master no matter where she decides to sleep.
11. I will share any can of tunafish that is opened.
12. I will not make fun of my master's weight.
13. I will not stick my finger in master's mouth when she yawns.
14. I will keep the master's litter box as clean (cleaner than) the human's
bathroom.
15. I will be sure that my masters are comfortable in bed, only then will I
arrange myself around the available space.
16. I will provide only the choicest morsels for the master's bowl, not
poultry scraps.
17. I will take thousands of pictures of my masters, and show them
to everyone I ever meet.
18. When my master is sleeping on some portion of my anatomy, I will not
disturb him or her by getting up to attend to such mundane matters as
answering the telephone or going to the bathroom.
19. I will not complain when my master steps on the break key, or settles
down on the computer keyboard.
20. I will not come home smelling of other cats or (even worse!) dogs.
21. I will not move my hand while my master is busy washing it.
22. I will change my masters' litterbox at the first sign of stink, not
when they have to get the point across by whizzing on the comforter.
23. I will gladly roll onto my other side when my master paws me on the cheek
at 3:30 am so she can "snuggle."
24. I will not "fraternize" with other cats.
25. I will not assume my master is done reading the newspaper just because
she/he is no longer looking at it or just because I am done with that page.
27. I will not assume my master doesn't like whatever is in the can I am
opening.
28. I will not surprise my master my kissing her while she is sleeping.
29. I will not brush my master when he jumps up on my lap just to be petted.
30. I will not spike my master's food with medicine.
31. Attempting to hide catnip from your master is useless, so don't bother.
32. I will not ignore my master's signs to tell me when to start/stop petting,
cuddling, playing, etc., no matter how subtle they are.
33. I will not talk on the phone when my master wants me stare at her and
talk nicely to her.
34. I will not answer the phone when I come home if I haven't fed my master yet.
35. I will *not* pet my master while she's taking her bath!!
36. I *will* feed my master on demand. I will *feed* my master on demand.
I will feed my master on *demand*.
37. I will not talk on the phone unless my master gets a chance to say "hi".
38. I will get an ice cube and throw it on the floor whenever my master
requests one.
39. I will share the spicy bean dip with my master.
40. I won't shove my master out of the middle of the bed.
41. I will not weigh Taboo.
43. I will retrieve all the foil balls and toys from under the sofa and
refrigerator each and every day.
44. I will change the litter at least once per day.
45. I will feed my master all he can gorge.
46. I will *not* go to work and leave the kitties alone all day.
47. I will leave the lingerie drawer open so that my master may strew my undies
around the apartment for his amusement.
48. I will not close the bathroom door thus separating myself, however
momentarily, from my master.
49. I will let the kitties play with the hamster.
50. I will not place my *insignificant* belongings on the royal resting
places (aka coffee tables, nightstands, and dressers), nor scold my
master when (s)he pushes them off.
51. I will not rush at my master when she is concentrating on balancing on the
inch wide balcony rail 25 feet in the air to see how the dog and I react.
52. I will not pull my master out of the trash bin when she is busy inspecting
its contents.
53. I will refill the water bowl no matter how many times my master tips it
over.
54. I will leave the potting soil where it belongs -- on the floor.
55. I will leave the toilet seat up so my master can investigate.
56. I will let my master sleep on my notes as I'm trying to study. (I'm sure I
can read through the fur if I try hard enough!)
57. I will not turn on the water when my master is napping in the sink.
58. I will let my master chase my highlighter as I'm trying to highlight texts.
59. I will not highlight my master's nose and ears in fashionable neon colors.
60. I will not de-flea my sister's new master in my master's bathroom and
expect my master to forgive me right away.
61. I will not try to ignore my master when she comes over to join my phone
conversation, because since no one else is in the room, I must be talking to
her. (Who would *really* be talking to a piece of plastic anyway?)
62. The human will not stare at the master while she is doing her business,
however, the master is permitted to stare at the human in various states
of undress and/or physical activity.
63. The human will not say "Ewwww gross" when the master sneezes and then
licks the snots off her fur.
monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:16am · 0 Comments |
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Bad Dog
This is a list of phrases dog owners should get their naughty pets to write
on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write...
A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved
jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry
detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote
controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my
house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty
Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans;
fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes
hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey
packets; staples; used condoms; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and
other thin plastic things; bar soap; a brand new baseball glove (entire
webbing consumed); the Bible; caulking; writing utensils (especially red
magic markers); marbles; tomatoes from the vegetable garden; plastic switch
plate covers (screws and all).
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend;
mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the
conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to
impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects
(even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote
control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine;
large patterns on wallpaper;
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly
planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR
clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of
drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's
filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear;
Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard
around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door;
kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's
*full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib;
horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive
paperbacks; seat belt.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it
is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy
(which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours
before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along
the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid
flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown
on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone
sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by
myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight,
especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a
walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the
date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone
that I'm making no headway on; absolutely _nothing_ (especially after 11
pm); cartoon black cats in Hallowe'en displays; Japanese kabuki music.
7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it
collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it;
under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a
swimming pool in the back yard;
B. Others
a) ---Food/Water---
I will not target the most expensive cheese in the platter for eating.
I will not eat the soap.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not eat my human's plants.
I will not conspire with the cat to get the roast thawing on the windowsill.
I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.
I will not get caught with my entire head in the dog food bag when Mom is busy
cleaning my sister's paws.
I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.
Mommy can have her own food without feeding me.
I will not drink out of the toilet right after it's used until Mom flushes it.
I will not levitate loaves of bread, pans of brownies, bowls of soup, and
other edible things off the kitchen counters.
I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of
the serving bowls.
I will quit escaping from the vet and eating all the other dogs', cats' and
birds' food.
I will politely refuse when my great-grandmother makes me steak tips and rice,
because I know this is not good for me.
Even though I'm a springer, I will not spring through the open car window and
into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
If I absolutely _must_ eat all the Christmas baking my Mommy stayed up all
night to do, I won't run up to her and burp contentedly in her face.
I will not dive into the Christmas Tree to get the candy canes (which I will
eat--paper and all).
I will not drink out of the toilet no matter how thirsty I am.
I will not eat a whole loaf of bread; it only makes doxies look shorter.
I will not eat Mommy's hair clips for dessert.
Rolling Stone magazine is a READING supplement, not an EATING one.
Wallpaper, drywall, and fiberglass insulation is a three-course meal that
gives me a tummyache.
Caterpillars are not crawling hors d'oeurves.
Lipstick is not food, even if mommy 'eats' it. (the effect was a bit
frightening!)
Crinkling cellophane is NOT a food sound from the wild and I will not come and
hunt it when I hear it.
Just because the human is smaller than me, I cannot have its food.
I will not get a mouthful of kibble and dribble it all across the kitchen,
dining room, and living room floor, just so Mom (who is reading in the living
room) can watch me eat.
I will not eat the baggie of chocolate wafer cookies Daddy left on the coffee
table so that Mommy has a big, brown, spot to clean off of the carpet when she
gets home after a long day at work.
I will not lick or steal raw chicken from the grill while Daddy is not
looking.
I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until _after_ they're out of the
stocking!
I will not crawl up on the table and eat only the meat (leaving the veggies,
of course) on my family's plates.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
Dogs do not like jalapeno peppers. I am a dog.
I will not eat (peanut butter, suet, ...) because it makes me throw up, even
though it usually stays down the second time.
b) ---Bodily Functions---
I will not relieve myself in the dog show ring.
I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to
poop.
The Christmas Tree was NOT put there as my own personal 'relieving' post.
I will not pee in the bedroom doorway of Mom's new boyfriend the first time I
visit his house.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house
when I am about to throw up.
I will not scratch in dog class.
I will not even THINK about going underneath the (Christmas) tree and going
piddle on the dining room rug.
I will not throw up in the car.
When I need to leave my kennel to go outside to pee, the shortest route is NOT
across the bed, especially not at 4AM.
I will not fart loudly, then chase my tail to catch the noise.
I will not fart loudly, then look at Mommy like she's the culprit, because
then Daddy believes me and it causes an argument.
I *will* scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will wipe my butt on the grass, not on the carpet. They're both green, but
I know the difference.
c) ---Gross!---
I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not roll in dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
I will not eat my own vomit.
I will not drop gooey slimy rawhide chews into Mommy's lap.
I will not breathe on Mommy after "recycling" the poop in the backyard.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food. (Yep, I know it's a duplicate; my dogs
are repeat offenders.)
I will not drool onto the dinner table or my Mom's plate.
I will not try to convince the person who ALWAYS gives me dog cookies that I
love her new silk dress by covering it with doggy drool.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after
processing. (I did threaten to return the sock of a house guest who had been
warned not to leave his socks around. It had been 'processed' and the pattern
was still recognizable in the pile in the back yard.)
I will not spray my Mom anymore when I have a huge sneeze.
I will not eat mice which the cat has caught for me, or roll on them until
they are squashed flat or sit looking through the glass door with a rodent
tail hanging from my mouth while my mummy is eating dinner!
Drooling on guests is not a social skill.
I will not run over to my master after eating and burp in his face.
I will not hide my soggy rawhide chew in the toe of the shoe my human is about
to put on.
I will not lick up garbage drippings in the street.
I will not eat dead worms or crickets from the driveway.
I will not lick Daddy's face after I've cleaned my private parts.
I will not lick the backs of my humans' teeth when they are asleep.
I will not catch mice, and run around the yard while they're squeaking in my
mouth playing Catch The Dog with Mommy. Further, I will not then regurgitate
them whole, re-eat them and play Catch with Mommy again. (Why does Mommy keep
shrieking like that?)
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers,
especially the dirty ones.
I will not belch loudly, then smack my lips and smile when Mommy and Daddy
have guests.
I will not lick the inside of Mommy's nose. She says this feels nasty.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not leave uneaten pieces of roaches lying around the house.
I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my owner will
think I am hemorrhaging.
I do not need to immediately find Mommy and give her all kinds of kisses when
I have just had a drink from my favorite water bowl in the bathroom.
I will not shake my head, causing large gobs of dog slime to land on people's
bodies/papers from work/food.
Mom and Dad know I appreciate them. I do not need to thank them after my meal
by placing my food-water-and-drool-covered chin in their laps.
d) ---Annoying/Embarrassing Habits---
I will not dig to China through *anybody's* garden.
I will not try to smell my human's visitors' private parts.
I will not jump on the bed and wash Dad's pillow anymore.
I will not hide Mom's slippers any more.
I will not tear off at 80 mph every time I catch a new smell to track,
especially when my human is holding my leash.
I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet while guests
are present.
Not everyone loves me, so I will not fling myself at all and sundry.
Especially when I have been eating/rolling on week-old bones.
I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing
on a slippery grass slope.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting
on the toilet.
I will not leave balls on the stairs.
I will not take excessive delight in pushing around a guest's smelly boots.
Whenever someone comes to visit, I will not jump up on the car door and leave
pretty claw-marks on the shiny paint!
I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb Mommy/Daddy while they are sitting
on the toilet.
I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy and Daddy's bed.
I will not try to retrieve my once gooey chewy from my Mommy and Daddy's bed
in the middle of the night.
I will not masturbate myself in front of new guests.
I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my nose.
I will not steal hard candy, crunch and munch on it and leave candy-coated
drool to dry into the rug.
No matter how *ripe* Mummy's armpits are, they are not for rolling in like
your common puddle of street trash/dead animal/etc.
I will not shake hands with a guest, then flop down onto his feet while I
clean my No-No.
It makes Mommy nervous when I rest my head on her knee while she's on the
potty.
Daddy gets embarrassed when I stare at his peeper when he is getting ready for
a shower.
I will not jump onto the bed to watch when Mommy and Daddy begin to
buck-n-snort with one another.
I will not press my face piteously against the hatchback window while we are
driving so people think I am being abducted. (With two 125lb dogs in a small
Mazda hatchback, this really is pitiful. I've had people glare at me and
honk!)
I will not assume the reflection from Mom's hand-held makeup mirror is an
intruder and try to attack it.
I will not chew my chew hoof under the middle of Mom and Dad's king sized bed
at 2 am.
I will not make Mommy feel guilty about "abandoning" me to go to work by
giving her "the Big Sad Eyes" through the back door. Dog food doesn't grow on
trees you know.
I will not pull the plug on/turn off/reset the computer/Sega while a human is
trying to do work/play a game.
Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard is NOT a
"toy" to be offered to guests.
Just because I hear Mommy or Daddy's car doesn't mean I have to scream at the
top of my little doxie lungs.
Mommy doesn't have to hold me in her arms so I can see, too, when Mommy is
talking to someone/cleaning the aquarium/doing the ironing/working on the
computer.
I don't *have* to place my throat across Mommy or Daddy's mouth after they've
fussed at me. They're not really going to bite my throat out.
I understand that while I think it's great fun to drop my rope/ball/bone in
the toilet while Daddy or a male guest is using it, Daddy doesn't like it and
will fuss at me.
Just because it rings, there's no need for me to knock the receiver off the
phone and breathe heavily into the mouthpiece. [This can lead the caller to
get the wrong impression!]
In the car, I will not tread on the electric window switch just as my owner is
paying at the tollbooth.
I will not expose myself to female visitors.
I will not drool over the computer keyboard while my human is out of the room
getting a beer.
I am not an alarm clock. The human does *not* need to be woken at the same
time *every* day.
I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water all over Mommy's bed.
I do not need to soak my Vermont Chewman toys in the toilet.
e) ---Other Critters---
I am bigger than that cat next door and should not be afraid of it.
That black and white animal with the bushy tail is NOT a cat.
Squirrels can fight back.
I will not play tag with armadillos. (They fight back!)
Possums are meant to be chased, not caught.
Mockingbirds are not to be messed with. (They dive bomb! From behind!)
The neighborhood dogs are *NOT* burglars/murderers.
Other furry critters are not running chew toys. (Cats, squirrels, Mommy's
guinea pig)
Other male dogs are not my enemies.
I will not beat up the other dogs in the house even though the smaller ones
keep challenging me.
I am a Corgi; I am not bigger than the Doberman and German Shepherd.
Squirrels are not burglars. I do not need to bark when they are on the lawn.
I will not chase the ducks, especially when they are swimming across the lake.
I will not escape the backyard and go into the neighbor's backyard to play
with my best friend, the German Shepherd.
I will not herd the animals in the church's nativity scene.
I will not tear open the box containing the deceased guinea pig that my humans
were about to bury and scare my Mommy by carrying him into the house like a
stuffed toy and looking at her as if to say, "I think this guy got outside by
some mistake! Isn't he supposed to be INSIDE in his cage?!?"
I will not terrorize the nice bunnies. (And the not-so-nice bunnies... they
kick!)
I will leave the old dog alone when it doesn't want to play.
I will stop playing tug with my brother's tail.
That bear is NOT just another big dog.
I will not use "flip" small dogs over with my snout just for the fun of it,
especially not at the top of the stairs.
A pouring rainstorm is not a good time to play tag with Mommy, a cat, and a
shrub.
Deer don't like me because I have a jingle-jangle collar. Chasing them
doesn't change this. I only jangle louder.
I am a German Shepherd, and a Highland Terrier puppy is SMALLER than I am.
Horses aren't playmates. The Mountie has a job to do, and his horse is part
of that job. I cannot commandeer its time.
Mockingbirds will peck my head if I catch them. (My Akita b***h regularly
catches these enormous birds and they turn and peck her in the forehead HARD!
and she still chases them. Dumb--really dumb.)
I will not bring live frogs or lizards into the house. [Bob used to do this
and then get highly excited as I probed around under the freezer with the
handle of the yard-sweeping brush trying to extract the terrified
amphibian(s)!]
Multi-coloured snakes are NOT my friends.
The neighbour's cat is NOT a rag doll.
Size matters. I will not chase full-grown German Shepherds, then run away
from 8-week old puppies.
I am a 125 lb. St. Bernard. I will not allow the neighbor's 2 lb. kitten to
beat me up.
f) ---Not-All-There---
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not bark at the dog (in the aquarium; floating outside the window; in
the oven). It is just my reflection.
Freezing nights are not good time to play in the backyard with Mommy. I have
a fur coat, Mommy doesn't.
I will watch where I am going, so that I will stop running into small, but
very hard, trees.
Squeaky toys are not spooky or dangerous and I should not be afraid of them.
I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every trick I know
whether my master asked for it or not.
I will not do 90 mph laps around all the living room furniture when people are
sitting on it.
Raindrops are not my enemy and I can go outside to relieve myself without
barking at them when they are present.
Flatulence is noisy but will not hurt me.
I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.
The dogs on TV are not real.
The feather pillow is not a bird. I will not flush it out of its hiding place.
I know that deer statues are not real and will not try to attack them.
I will realize that scary animal in the yard next door is just a really tacky
plastic deer and will quit barking at it at every opportunity.
I will not do a "hold and bark" at the plastic Santa Claus on the neighbor's
front lawn. He's not wearing a sleeve, anyway.
The bright, colored lights outside do not signal landing UFOs, so I will stop
barking at them whenever they are turned on.
I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
I will not lie on the ground in the snow and refuse to get up when Mommy says
to even though it's only 15 F out and Mommy forgot her hat and gloves.
My human does not have to hold the bone while I chew it; I can do it myself.
I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new Christmas
rawhide from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat when the wind chill is
-46 F.
I will not throw myself against the windshield trying to chase the big truck
in front of us.
I don't need to thank mom/dad every few bites of my breakfast/dinner.
The plastic owl is to scare woodpeckers, since I'm not a woodpecker, I won't
be scared.
I will not smash my whole body against the patio doors when I want in, causing
the entire door to smash to smithereens. (Mastiffs must write this out extra
times)
I will not fool with Daddy's electric razor, even if he lets it lie on the
bed. It turns on easily and makes spooky noise.
I will not stick my head into a lit candle, thereby curling my mouth whiskers
and eyebrows.
I will not throw my chewbone into the air so it lands on my head with a
KER-THUMP! and makes me bark at it.
The Flat Folk in the mirror and their dog (who looks a lot like me) are not
thieves. They live here, too.
Water dropping from a height is not dangerous, and does not need to be subdued
instantly. I don't have to be there when the humans empty the vaporiser into
the tub, so I can bite the water.
I will not chase the laundry down the laundry chute, because I get stuck
*every* time, and Daddy has to pull me through to the basement, and that hurts
my tummy.
I must face the same direction as the other dogs when I am harnessed with them
or I will get dragged.
There is not a doggy door in the screen.
The trashcan with the step on foot will bite my head. (Maesc took about
fifteen minutes to figure out that the trashcan lid will go up if he steps on
the lever. He hasn't quite figured out he has to keep his foot on it or the
lid will slam on his head.)
I will not stand in the corner between a half-open door and the wall whining
to be let out.
There are no humans hiding inside the radio/TV.
I will not crawl under the bed, get stuck, then whimper pathetically till
somebody comes to find me.
I will NOT jump out of the pickup truck bed while it is travelling down the
freeway.
g) ---Personal Comfort---
Baths are fun and relaxing!
Waterbeds were designed for humans. Really.
Being outside for any other reason than doing my business really is all right.
I will not dig more than one new 'cool earth wallow' per day.
I will not crowd my human in bed.
I don't have to go out to the backyard *this instant*.
I will not hoard all the nylabones so the other dogs can't get them.
I will stop playing dead when lying in the middle of the bed and will move
when Mom and Dad want in.
I will not hog the warm spot right in front of the kerosene heater.
I will quit hogging all the pillows.
I will not pull the down comforter off the bed and into the closet so I can
sleep on it in the middle of the night.
When I am lying on the sofa, Mommy can lie on the other side; I know how to
share.
I will leave room in the bed for Dad.
I weigh 70 pounds. I will not fit on Mom's lap.
When Daddy is gone, I will not use his pillow and breathe down Mommy's neck
until she takes me out.
When Mommy rises early from the bed, I will not play a trick on Daddy by
kissing him so he rolls over and gives me a tongue-kiss, too. He makes a loud
noise when he finds out it's me.
I am a German Shepherd. When I'm at the vet's I won't be scared to sit on the
floor like a BigGirlDog. I'm too big for Mommy's lap.
I can go to sleep without having my rope and my ball and my bone in bed with
me and the humans.
I can go to sleep without cleaning my toes first.
The leather davenport is NOT a bed.
h) ---The Human Factor---
The vet is my *friend*.
I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone at
the door.
I will not greet the humans at the back door with their personal possessions
(retrieved from the closet) in my mouth.
When the humans leave without me, attacking the front window is not the way to
get them to notice I'm upset.
I will not howl when my mistress is practicing the {piano | violin |
glockenspiel}.
I will not knock down and lick the face of the meter reader.
I will recognize my beloved mistress, even if she *is* wearing her
drum-n-bugle-corps uniform.
I will not bathe anyone's face when they're cranking the ice cream maker.
I will not lick the humans' faces while they are being ..ahem... intimate.
I will realize that everyone knows I am a neglected dog because my parents
throw me outside to wee late at night and will therefore refrain from
announcing it by barking non-stop.
I do not have to meet EVERYONE.
When my humans are kissing and making out, I will not whine jealously and try
to force myself between them.
Although I am a red blooded Aussie male Rottweiler, I will refrain from
becoming "excited" when my female vet examines me because it embarrasses my
Mom.
I will not attack my master every time he sits on the floor while talking with
someone on the telephone.
I will not piddle and run and hide whenever my owner gives a down-stay
command.
It's okay for Mommy and Daddy to be in different rooms.
Mommy can lie on the floor if she wants to. (Annie gets upset. Dogs are for
the floor, people should be on furniture.)
I will not growl at my human's mother(-in-law).
I will quit attacking Mom, who is just minding her own business, when Dad is
the one teasing me.
I will not bite my Daddy in the a** when he turns away just after scolding me.
I will not attack Daddy even if he is wearing a funny red suit, pillows and a
phony beard.
I do not have to be in the room when my Mom goes to the bathroom.
I will not go into the back seat and cover my eyes with my paws just because
Mom's driving.
I will not growl at the strange guy in Mom's bed. (Oh, it's Dad.)
My human's toes should not be in the socks I choose to chew on.
The carollers outside do not need my help to sing their songs.
Just because Mommy is on the floor does not mean she wants to play with me.
I will not attack Mom's boyfriend when he is tickling her - he isn't really
trying to hurt her.
I will not kiss Mommy when she is scolding me.
I will not hump the leg of the minister when he comes to call on my human.
I will not jump on my Mommy's pregnant tummy.
I will not n** Mommy in the behind to get her to move faster.
I will not attack the toll attendants for taking Mommy's money.
I won't jump up on Dad's stomach when he's talking on the phone.
I will not sit under the dinner table and bite people on their toes to gain
attention (read food)!
If I roll over and try to shake paws, it won't necessarily get me out of
trouble.
There are certain places on Daddy that are not okay to nibble when we are
rough-housing. This endangers my life.
I will not herd my humans out of the hallway and into one room so I can watch
all of them at once.
My bathtime is not during Mommy's shower. I will lie quietly guarding her
until she's finished. I will not attempt to join her.
I will not drop my Plaque Attacker on Mom's feet, as it is heavy and hard. I
will especially not drop it on her feet when she's standing beside the bed and
I'm standing *on* the bed.
I will not drop my human's pager in the toilet, even if he told me to 'drop
it'.
Mommy can take a shower without having my rope/ball/bone with her.
I will not bite my Mommy's a** when she is trying to rescue my toe from the
grips of the evil screen door.
The mailman is NOT a chew toy.
i) ---Children---
Just because that mini human offers food to me doesn't always mean I should
take it.
Infants who have just finished their cereal (and they aren't real good at it
yet!) have the *best* faces for washing.
I will not knock over the little neighborhood kids when I greet them.
I will not lick pudding/ice cream off the neighbor's kids' faces.
I will not visit the next door neighbours to play with their children at every
possible opportunity.
Every child in the world does not need for me to wash his/her face.
I will notice small humans are not just other dogs and will not try to exert
my dominance on them.
j) ---Mess Making/Destroying---
<
I will not open Mom's mirrored closet door by myself anymore, thereby making
it look like a glass of milk was thrown at it.
I will not use all the door molding as a chew toy.
I will not jump up on my human when he/she gets home from work and is wearing
nice clothes.
I will not jump up on my human with my muddy paws after running through a mud
puddle.
I will not make big splashes in mud puddles when heeling beside my human.
I will not eat off the ends of my human's shoelaces.
I will not run around the house with my human's stuffed animals.
I will not get all wet/muddy and then walk against all the walls in the house
(so that my mum can see just how much I've grown!).
I will not "de-flea" my mum's pillow in the middle of the night whilst she is
trying to sleep on it!
I will not open the kitchen cabinets.
I will not dig in the potpourri bowls.
I will not chew the dog training book, especially when it is a library book
and my mother is a librarian.
I will not unwrap all the Christmas presents while Mommy and Daddy are away at
work.
I will not pull the tablecloth off the table to make the food more accessible
on the floor.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
I will not chew up Mommy's spinning that she has been working on for months.
(Especially NOT the Angora spinning!)
I will not jump all over the mattress that is being made up with my muddy
feet.
I will not peel wallpaper off of the walls.
Just because the remote-control turns on the TV when I chew it does not
qualify it as a 'squeaky toy'.
I shall not eat the crotch out of Mommy's dirty underwear when she forgets
to close the closet where the laundry basket sits.
I am a German Shepherd, not a spider. Mommy's embroidery floss is not good
web material.
I will not bury my chewman up to the neck in the yard to frighten my humans.
(I actually ran over one with the lawnmower. We have probably a dozen of them
in the yard in various stages of burying. A few have only the head and one
arm sticking up out of the grass. It's eerie.)
I will not grab the bowl of half-jelled cranberries off the front step and
fling them across the snow so it looks like I murdered someone in the front
yard.
I will not kill the neighbor humans blow-up pool and drag it triumphantly
around the yard as the air comes out of it.
Uncle Billy's extensive hat collection is not a chew toy. (Well, now it is,
but it wasn't before!)
Peeing on Daddy's pillow does not make him love you.
I will not bite my human's cellular phone every time it rings. [So far, Bob
has destroyed 3 phones this way].
I will not dismember children's dolls and leave the room looking like the
aftermath of a hatchet-murder.
I will not chew or shake full cans of beer.
Even though it hisses, the garden hose is not a snake, and so does not need to
be chewed every six inches along its length to keep it from attacking me.
I will not bite a hole in the can of upholestery cleaner that Mommy left out
(bad Mommy) because I look very silly covered in white foam. I especially
won't do this when it's 20 below outside and the water heater's broken and
Mommy has to stand in the cold shower in order to rinse the nasty stuff off
me.
I will not send my full food dish for a ride down the staircase.
k) ---Hampering---
I will not eat my human's mail, especially the bills.
I will not help Mommy by digging up all those tasty bulbs she buried for me.
I will not sneak into the garden and dig up the shrubs Mommy has just planted.
I will not sulk by trying to sleep under mummy's feet while she is making
breakfast, washing, going to the toilet, etc. just because she slept in, is in
a hurry and can't take me for walkies.
I will not steal the dishes from the dishwasher and hide them in my kennel.
I will quit trying to drive the car and will stay down in the floor board.
I will not jump in the car to go for a ride when Mommy and Daddy are already
running late and ready to leave.
I will not attempt to climb in Mom's lap while she is driving.
I will not shift the car into neutral while Mom is driving 65 mph in a
blizzard.
I will not sneak up and steal napkins off the laps of humans while they are
eating.
I will not eat the envelope with my human's cashed paycheck in it!
When Mom is putting on socks in the morning, I will not take this as a sign to
start a game of tug-of-war.
Dad doesn't need help tying his shoes... really.
I will not play tag around the dining room table after I have found a
"treasure" (underwear, socks, tissues or other "stuff" from the trash, kitchen
towels, school projects, money, etc.), when Mommy is trying to catch me.
Mommy knows her way around the house all by herself. She doesn't need me to
herd her into the shower, into the bedroom, back into the bathroom, and into
the kitchen every morning.
I will stay out of the garden. Mom does not need help weeding or planting out
new plants. (It's OK to help with pruning, though. I can grab the branches
and take them all over the yard!)
I will never again think that Dad won't mind me climbing behind his seat
(since he won't let me sit on his lap) while he's driving down an interstate
in a two-seat sports car!
l) ---Misuse/Misappropriation of Items---
My Mommy's lap is not a napkin.
The sofa is not a face towel.
Mommy is not a salt lick.
The rug is not a napkin.
That is not my {turkey, stocking, present}.
My rawhide bone does not belong in my Mom's bath.
Tennis balls do not belong in the dishwasher.
The agility field is NOT a doggy social meeting place.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
The balls on the Christmas tree are not dog balls.
All things within my reach are NOT my toys; anything not within my reach but I
can jump and get is also NOT my toy.
I do not have a little Scrabble board in my tummy. Eating a letter when Mommy
and Daddy play does not score me any points. Anywhere.
The coffee table is not my private throne, and I should stay off of it.
The laundry basket does *not* contain nesting material.
The Persian rug is not for playing tug-o-war.
m) ---Miscellaneous---
The doggie door is my friend.
I will not make my sister/brother (the kitty)'s, life a misery when it is
clear she/he is not interested in playing.
I will not slurp up a peg on the cribbage board when I am walking by a game.
I will not eat the Bad Dog list.
70 kilogram Rottweilers should not even bother to try to hide under small
coffee tables when they have been naughty.
I will not pull all the stuffing out of my chewman within 10 minutes of
getting it.
I will come out of my crate, even when I'm *not* in trouble, without Mom
having to tip it up sideways so I slide out.
I will stop "posturing" when Mommy plays with me because I knock her over.
I will not open any presents before Christmas.
I will not search the Christmas presents under the tree looking for mine.
I cannot decide when to take a break during agility training.
I will get my picture taken with that fat red man who smells like every dog
that ever lived for charity.
I like car rides, really, they are neat fun... really...
Being groomed and combed is fun. Really.
Briar bushes are not fun.
I will not cook when the humans are out (or in).
Moaning while getting a bath will not speed up the process.
Mom and Dad don't need to get soaked just because I am getting a bath
BAD HUMAN!
This is the reverse of the Bad Dog list. That is, what would your dog(s) have
you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"?
1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20
times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me
to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to HURRY UP ALREADY when he's looking for just
the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than
having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for
me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all
times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't
possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether
my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke
the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to
find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly
gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud
puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's
_entire_ piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be
obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red
suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my
master.
44. I will try MUCH harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling COME! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees ARE balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. GIVE and LEAVE IT are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a
Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is
obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy
"chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters
might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm
from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
56. I will not close the lid to the reserve water bowl.
57. I will no longer make my master wait 12 long hours between meals.
monter buddy · Sun Feb 10, 2008 @ 05:09am · 0 Comments |
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