The Platypus: God's Ultimate Joke
The platypus. I mean, what the hell? Platypuses (or Platypie) are a b*****d organism found in the tropical land of Australia. They are considered to be some sort of Frankensteinian experiment of nature. As a matter of fact, only trained biological professionals can actually tell which end is the head and which is the tail.
Most of the time, you will only find one platypus by itself. This is also due to the fact that they don't like being called platypussies.
Upon the first discovery of the platypus, 19 of the 20 explorers converted to atheism. The last commited hari-kiri. This is believed to be because the platypus proved to the religious explorers that God is imperfect, and that his general sentement towards life is "What the ********, I'll do what I want, and right now I want to make life.. b***h." This initially distressed pro-life protesters, but they got permission from the pope to continue to do whatever the ******** they wanted.
Biology: The Face of Terror
The platypus is one of the strangest creatures on the Planet Earth. They have the bills of ducks, giant leathery wings, lay eggs, and sport poisonous barbs. Scientists are not entirely certain how or why platypuses look like they do. One theory suggests that someone simply duct taped a duck and a beaver together as some sort of cruel joke, but the jury is still out on that one. The platypus has its own class in taxonomy, due to the fact that it can't be classified either with the mammals, insects, birds or bacteria.
Relations
As seen on last weeks episode of "I made love to your platypus", we can conclude that the platypus has had some long relationships with the Gnu. This can probably explain it's extremely large nostrils. Also, many young adults have found the platypus a very helpfull instrument to masturbate on. This is because it is so incredibly ugly.
Defensive Mechanisms
Male platypuses have poisonous barbs on their hind legs. These barbs, while powerful defensive tools, are quite awkward to actually use in battle. Most scientists believe that the barbs exist as a balancing mechanism, since the platypus originally leaned forward a bit. This balance has been achieved, but at the cost of having one of the most useless physical defenses in nature.
In the unlikely case that the platypus' poison is actually effective against its foe, it inflicts 3 damage every turn. The platypus' poison can only be cured by using an Antidote or casting Purify. As such, white mages have little to fear from the platypus and are often considered their natural predators.
The most successful finishing move in Professional Wrestling history, however, was used by then Furry Wrestling Federation champion the "Death Duckbill" where in he would inflict his poisonous barb into the soft underbellies of his opponents after getting them into a side headlock, and then simultaneously slamming them face first into the mat. This move was known as the "Death Duckbill Terminator" or more commonly the "DDT."
Reproduction
Because platypus are so hideous and unnatural-looking, even those in their own species can't differentiate males from females. The only sure way to tell is to grab for the barbs on the hind legs. Needless to say, this results in many awkward moments between platypus of the same gender, espically when sober.
Origins: Behind the Platypus
What follows are several theories on the development and humble beginnings of nature's b*****d child, the platypus.
Unintelligent Design?
The platypus is considered by many secularists as the ultimate argument against intelligent design. The reasoning is that no sentient being would have created something so contrary to logic as the platypus. Creationists haven't come to any real consensus on the matter, but most begin frantically quoting the bible when the topic is brought up. It is wildy considered amoung theorists to be conclusive proof of God's cruel sense of humour.
Platypuses, According to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism
Proponents of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, although Creationists, have come up with a theory on the origin of this hodge-podge of a creature. As The St. Brelades Bay Scrols illustrate, on the twelveth day of creation, the FSM ran out of booze. As he experienced the largest hang-over in history, His Noodliness haphazardly threw together what we today refer to as the platypus.
The Zblorgian Platypus Theory
The infamous Zblorgian Platypus Theory was created in 1962 by some unknown American scientist. It states that platypuses are the front-line agents of a deep-space alien race, widely referred to as the Zblorgs. According to the Theory, the Zblorgs sent their agents to planet Earth in B.C. 214. The spaceship landed near Rome, but the weather circumstances unabled the Zblorgs to continue their evil plan (exploiting Earth). So they moved to a random place, Australia. The Theory explains the platypus' strange form with gravitational anomalies of the Earth.
Habitat
As stated earlier, platypussies are native to Australia, although many have left the motherland to seek their fortunes in the big city. The greatest influx of platypusses occured around 1857 in the eastern United States. Desperate for work and living in crowded apartment complexes, urban platypi soon fell into a lower class than even some other immigrants. For many decades thereafter, urban platyps struggled to get by and overcome the prejudices of the native population. In more recent years, urban platypses have risen up in these societies, and newer generations are now treated as equals.
Cults of the Platypus
Certain cults have formed dedicated to the worship of this beast. Despite the supposed lack of credit to this religion, many celebrities have joined, making it a close rival to Scientology.
Occasionally whispers are heard on the underground movement of "The exalted church of the Platypi" its histories and origins still steeped and mired in mystery, hidden as a result of many social uphevals and muted during the Spanish Inquisition. No one can prove the church exists, but Chuck Norris is trying really hard, bless'm.
What To Do Upon Ingestion of a Platypus
- Begin kitten huffing 15 minutes after taking a platypus to make the come-down eaiser
- Order a pizza
- Start throwing stuff at hippies when the platypus/kitten mix hits. This will heighten the sense of omnipresence you experience.
- Look at all the cool colors.
- Eat corn
- Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Other Important Notes
The platypus has the brain of a dolphin and can be seen driving a forklift in his habitat of kelp. He is the larva of the flatworm and has the ability to regenerate after injury
No relation to the flounder.
If you hear a devious cackle-snicker sound behind you, it's already too late. There's a platypus there waiting to cause mischief.
Unmourned Death Community Member 
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