I really need to be done with these sad feelings. It's tiring me and people I know out. I don't know if you saw my message on Tumblr or not but I think the best thing I can wish for now is for us both to be as happy as we can be in our own, separate lives. I've got to be happy on my own. I've got to be happy just having Bubba (fictional hubby, he's also known as Jedidiah Sawyer/Slaughter and Leatherface) and my Reborns. Maybe I should try holding them a little more often, that might help. I feel like my body produces more serotonin when I hold one of the littles for a long time. I did it for Halloween. I held most of them, all evening, one at a time. My arms were so tired but I felt really happy. I also had to hold one (Babi Sawyer) for a while yesterday and I felt a little better for a little while afterward.
I'm gonna try to be happy again now, for as long as I can. At least till Christmas. Hopefully.
The tenth Thanksgiving still hurt and I'm sure the tenth Christmas and New Years are going to be rough on me as well. My love life since just hasn't been quite right. It's been rabid wolves attacking and every so often a protector from the wolves will come along and stay for a little while. It never lasts though because none of them makes me see forever. And the last person I thought I saw forever with, like you, decided that I wasn't enough and went for someone else in town.
This is difficult, you know. Whenever I think I've bumped into you, I want to just be happy to see you happy but... I usually see you with someone else. I usually see him with someone else... and I want to just be happy for my best friends but I miss them just as much. Nearly every day, I think of the time when all three of us were small and we all promised to find guys, get married and have our kids together. Be mom friends.
I'm in a part of my life now where I feel like I don't even have any real friends. By that, I mean, in person friends that really know me. And I'm always finding myself thinking that I wouldn't be feeling this problem at all if you'd never left... I regret shutting down and shutting you out so much... I should have known that YOU were my best friend. I lost every single one of my best friends except my mom... Honestly, I'm so glad I have her. She often helps me keep my sanity when I break down like this.
Every day that goes by though, I feel more and more like this wasn't how my life was supposed to go. I don't know if you remember "The Last Unicorn" but at this point, I feel like if ever I do find that connection again with someone, I'm going to feel like Molly...
I'm going to be too old to have any of the dreams I had when you knew me. Sometimes, giving others the happiness you feel they deserve is the worst pain imaginable. I smile and laugh with my BFFs when I do get to see them, which is rare. I try to put on a smile when I have to see you or Jay Jr. I even, at times, have to hide behind a smile for my family. I have to pretend I'm okay with never having another day together again, I have to pretend I don't know my dad smokes weed, I have to pretend things don't get to me. My actual home is gone, into thin air. The home away from home that I was always dragging you to with me is becoming a capitalist hellscape. When home is gone, your BFFs should be there to be your rock. But there aren't that many rocks in my stormy sea. Just my mom. And if fictional characters and Reborn dolls count, our little Deadlight clown, Christopher Gray. Oh and of course, the son we would have had, Sora. Though now he responds to the name of my Texas Chainsaw OC, Cain. Sometimes, I hug one of them and feel better almost immediately.
If I'm being honest, I'm actually crying right now as I am typing this entry.
