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It is only who I am to think the way I do. I am known to have a general interest in people and I like to know their stories. Yet at the same it is such things I do tend to get caught up in. Sometimes I forget whats really happening and it takes a while for me to take a few steps back and see what is really going on. It is such reasons I feel a bag has been thrown over my head and I have been blinded from a truth I have failed to see. If I don't open my eyes I will drown in the shame of my own damnation.
Everyone has their own ideals, beliefs, morals and what not, I don't deny I have my own. It is when I find myself going against that I want to believe that I realize my mistakes. I keep wishing that something amazing will happen once I break my own rules and let go. You know? Like I have been walking a line and the day I choose a side I will fall into this eternal bliss. Much like how people call the end a happily every after. However, I have grown to realize that one side is one side and whatever I pick will not take me away to some utopia.
I have dreamed for the universe but I fear the time is come for me to pick a star and stay. There is that one moment in a person's life where they find a passion and they bask in it and see themselves as great at what they do. I think I come to terms with that my dreams will not come true, and I might find something to live off of instead.
I like to draw and I may be better than some, but I know its not enough.
I like to write but I know my spelling and grammar is terrible. Even then it seems I am not entertaining enough. My writing wouldn't sell a book.
I can't sing well enough, can't dance well enough. Not that I would ever want to do that as a career. I would act but experience isn't behind me. Nor do I think I will make it. I would rather shoot myself than work fast food. Not smart enough to be a doctor not serious enough to be a layer. Economics is dull and I want to punch reporters. I know...not much left huh?
Not even my passions can take me anywhere.
Hell...most people who had any sort of compassion toward me tend to be in far places. Or leave to them. My words seem to mean little to people, and I don't seem to leave a very deep impression where ever I go. I am often forgotten or left out. I have plenty of experience stories and even more I wouldn't want to tell. To make several long stories...short....I was denied the happiest place on earth twice.
I seem to be just 3 steps behind and at the moment I feel like sitting on a bench and watch life go by. It is this dull apathetic mood I am in. Just sit on a bench in a slight slouch in a distant daze as time speeds up around me while I sit still.
I feel like I have lost my drive and hope has melted into a question of why.Im glad I just might be the only one reading this. For now I doubt many people would understand what the hell it is I am talking about.
Hell....
I don't even know anymore.
 _Demon of the Diamonds_ · Sat Aug 01, 2009 @ 08:02am · 0 Comments |
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There is a feeling I rarely get, but when I do I feel so down. Its like feeling this way brings the Angst sickness or something. Which sounds pretty silly but of all the pain I ever had, this feeling scares me the most.
It is that one moment where something just happened and you have no words. All you want to do is say something worth while, or meaningful. Stuck in that zone where the other person can't say anything either. Its that hollow twinge that tells you just to turn around and walk away. Lets you know that anything you do will not change what just happened.
Where looking people in the face isn't appealing anymore and all you can do is look at the ground and stay silent.
At this moment I feel as if my sense of words was robbed. I want to fix things but=
there is nothing broken. It should have always been like this.
(But if it was then why do I feel the way I do?)
Its like saying good by to someone who isn't leaving.
Im sure none of this make sense. I refuse to explain the situation though...
I might feel worse about it.
I shouldn't feel like this....I just shouldn't...
This is just....wrong.
_Demon of the Diamonds_ · Mon Jun 22, 2009 @ 09:01am · 1 Comments |
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Once upon a time I was very illiterate. Once upon a time I didn't know what Gaia was. I remember hearing about it from my Friend Hemei Kun and Kitsune. Leland and violet.
Funny how I don't even talk to them anymore. Ever since I grasped the concept of Rping I have been hooked. From record 2005.
Its 2009 now. And I am graduating high school. Within a few mouths too.
its so weird to think I have been doing this since Jr. high. ( And my spelling still sucks)
I have a feeling my time on Gaia will change after this. I know I won't quit. Not for another year or so I think. But, I just want it to be put down. So when I read this much much later...
That this had been the best site for me. better than My space and reality itself.
I don't think I would ever like the computer that much if it wasn't for Gaia. I don't care for My space of Face book, Deviant art or any other site as much as this one. I'm not obsessed. No as much as I used to be anyway.
IN some ways it saved me from doing a lot of things I am glad I didn't. For that I am grateful. In other ways it ruined my life. For that I regret. But I have made a lot of friends around the world. Along with a few enemies.
However at least in the end it left me with a few skills I am proud to walk away with. And for it I can only say.....
Thanks....
_Demon of the Diamonds_ · Tue Mar 31, 2009 @ 05:49am · 0 Comments |
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So today I attended my first funeral.
I didnt know what to expect, how to act, or how to behave. I only knew what i saw on television. For the most part it was along the same basic lines. We sit in a church while a paster talks about how good the person was, then when he is finished family or friends go up and say a few words.
I wasnt shocked by what was happening nor cried over the death of the person. it was the Atmosphere that got to me.
On T.v its just actors and a story that doesn't mean anything.
This..this...the Pain and depression clutched to the air so tightly that when people spoke, thier voice got high and teary. As if at any moment they would cry. The tension was choking me and before I knew it I had tears running down my face silently. As if crying for those that refused to. As if something in the air made me.
I watched a women cry over her second child that had died on her. Had two of her kids lives lost. i Saw a grown man cry over the death of his child and watched a slide show of pictures of a boy who was now dead.
The pain, ...the pain was so real. It hurt my own heart though it was not I who suffered. I can not even comprehend what others who even knoew him must feel.
I was at a funeral of a boy I never met or seen until this day. And yet, I wept.
_Demon of the Diamonds_ · Sun Sep 23, 2007 @ 06:08am · 1 Comments |
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A turn of the Head a Slap of the Face |
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When it comes to things I dont want to know or dont want to see I sometimes make myself not see it at all. Making who I am and what I do Completely oblivious to everything. usually I end up getting hurt or having somthing hit me so hard I fail altogether.
Im at one of those turns in life where most things fail and the world seems to eat away at what I want. Everything slowly turns to hopless wishes and lack of seld confidence takes control.
Everything that goes wrong even the tiniest of things seems to jump and glare in your face, The smallest of things can ruin your day and life turns into an eternal nightmare. It could be something so small and insagnificant that went it goes bad its suddenly the biggest deal of your life because now its something else that went wrong that you can add to your list. Then that list seems to get longer and longer full of things that went wrong that never really mattered before.
My life has turned into one of those.
Not long ago I never gave a flying crap about what others thought of me but now I find out that I am gossiped about and its the worst thing ever.
(( Oh yess apparently I am Intimidating by the upmost burly of men in weight lighting. Which yes...says alot for a small girl to have men think she is scary.))
However the fact that I know exactly whats ruining my life 24 hours a day is only the first step to fixing it...I hope.
-Cain
_Demon of the Diamonds_ · Thu Aug 30, 2007 @ 05:57pm · 1 Comments |
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Story Relates to our 2007 Colorguard Show
Throught the Eyes of the Mask ((Version 2.o))
I smiled looking in the mirror of my devilish handsome face. Satisfied I picked up my velvet black mask and tied it around my face. It hid who I was almost too perfectly. I never felt more charming and I knew that the night on that glistening ballroom floor I would have the ladies falling at my feet. I took the paper the advertised this mysterious masqurade with the address on the back. Giving myself one last charming smile and tugged at the collar of my black vest lined with thick white lining and silver buttons. The red rose pattern the adroned my mask seem to make my smile stand out more and almost gave a sparkling look to it.
I made my way to my carraige that awaited me outside my castle. Its black majestic horse stopped their hooves and heaved heavy breaths, eager to ride off into the setting sun of the night. The carrige driver nodded at me in approval. He was a good friend of mine. Climbing into the red padded seats, I played with the cuffs of my shirt.
" Jean-Claude? Do you know whom will be attending tonights festivities?" I asked politely to my driver.
He coughed and resonded respectfully. " Why of chorse the Grand Dutchesses of only the highest of family pedigrees!"
I smiled and gave my head a nod to the side. "But which ones my good friend?"
Jean-Claude gave a light laugh. " Expecting someone in particular?"
I laughed at that. " Well, In a way. Are you going to tease me or answer the question?" I replyed, slightly teasing as well.
Jean-Claude slapped the horses reins and the horses rod off to the grand ballroom that awaited me. " You are hopless master, but I believe The Royal Family that will be attending consists of about 5-6 girls, So if you plan to take on them all you will have your hands full with them all."
I chuckled. " I will do my best to have fair share with them all! Even it it does take all night. This royal family has never met me before so they wont expect someone like me sweeping them off thier feet tonight Jean-Claude! By the night comes to it's end I would have had my fun and the mystery of my identity will simpley mystify them!"
We arrived the the ballroom and I stepped out of the carrige. Jean-Claude shook his head, He bared a wide grin across his old cheeks. " Im sure, Good luck Master, I will return on the eve of the masqurades end." And with that, he snapped the reins , and the horses galloped into the now dark night sky.
As he did so I stood at the entrence of the ballroom door. The Gray and black marble floor seems to reflect the gleam of the lights of the glistening chandeliers. The tall window and glass doors wore dark blood red curtains that went from the ceiling to inches off the floor. Other, unknown faces looked at me in awe and I knew the excitment of the night had only started to begin. I immediatly tucked my hand behind my back and gazed around the room and the music had begun.
I spotted the Royal dutches immediatly, and took the smallest one closest to me. She was beautiful with her own sense of grace. Delicate in the way she held herself upright. I took her hand and we danced in the center of the ballroom floor.
Dacing with her was magical but I knew if i wanted to try all the beautiful women I would have to move on, I ended our duet and she blew me a kiss. As soon as she looked away I spotted my next target.
This one slightly more taller with bright blond hair that made her eyes stand out. Her face looked almost porcelain, and perfect. I made my way over to her in favor of a dance but before I could, the first small dutches came in want of my mask. I push her hand away.
HA! The night had not even made its way past the beginning and already I was on the run. She looked so hurt and took off. I had hoped she hadn't taken too much offense to the jester.
AS I turned back I realized the the whole room had revealed themselves. I refuse to do so however. I refuse to give up my identity until I reached my bed later that night! Besides I had a few more dutchesses to go.
I took the dancer with the beautiful blond hair by the hand and kissed it lightly. She seemed charmed and tickled pink. The other dutches, well..nots so charmed. Almost insulted that I didn't pick them as my next choice. Little did they know that I would be after them soon enough.
AS we danced she told me her name. " Stacy" And apparently, the little one I had danced with first was " Bianca". Finally at the climax of our dance together she moved in closer to my face. First I thought... " yes a true kiss at last!" but to my error she touched the cornor of my mask and I realized her true motives. I pushed her away, disappointed.
I gazed around the room and spotted yet another Dutchess. Brown curly hair that framed her face. She introduced herself quickly. " Oliva" she said her name was, and with her perky smile she reached for my face. Already learning my lesson before I pulled away. She had a better grasp on my that I thought because before I could blink, she had pulled off one of my gloves. Knowing that it would be silly to dance with one glove, I took it off and threw the other one at her. I didnt need gloves anyway and For all I cared she could keep it as a souvenir. Something to remember me by.
Next was another beautiful blond. She danced with a much bigger man that I was and I knew now was my chance at her. I came up from behind her and whispered in her ear. 'Come with me and we shall dance the night away under the moon light that reflects in you eyes'. While doing so I managed to grab her hand and pull her away.
However my attempts where usless for it seems she wasn't ammused. She gave me an evil glare and yet I still tried. After what seemed like ages she slapped me across the cheek and mummbled between her teeth. " My name is Courtney, now if you excuse me I will return with my original date..you flirtatious jerk." And with that she walked off.
I held my cheek in shock. My night wasn't going as smoothly as I planned after all. No matter I had only a few more dutchesses to go.
My next choice was the tallest, not to mention the oldest.
She was graceful and light on her feet. The music however was not on my side either. The music started to speed up and the floor became crowded. I tried to dance my way over to her but the wave of people was't working to my advantage either. Finally I got next to her. I asked for her hand and Again I had made my way to the center of the floor. She told me her name, " Avarra". We danced a beautiful dance, until I realized the trap I was caught in. It seems the dutchessess we not all amuzed with my mysterious carming manner. All desperate to find my identity, they trap me in a large circle with Avarra. I pleaded to her to help me. She gave me a loving smile and stroked me cheek. I moved cautiously. She touched my face lightly again, then Suddenly she ripped off my mask with a jerk.
The dutchesses gasped, the dance had ended.
----------------------
I climbed into my carrige lined with red velvet and Jean-Claude smiled at me, looking at me as I held my black mask in my hand. He didnt say a word until the horses took off, thier powerful hooves sounding loud in the night sky.
" How did it go sir?"
I chuckled and smiled. " I got them all but one."
Jean-claude laughed at me. As he did he looked at me with his old wise eyes. As if he had already knew how the ending of this evening went.
" It looks like your night didnt go the way you wanted it to."
I shook my head. " No, I guess not, but dont worry. They will see me again, at the next dance, but next time....the ball will be in my court"
Jean Claude smiled shaking his head.
" I am sure it will sir..Im sure it will...."
FIN
The Dutchess that got away on the night of the masqerade.......Courtney.
_Demon of the Diamonds_ · Mon Jul 09, 2007 @ 10:32am · 1 Comments |
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The Good, The Evil, The End |
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why is it people in the world need an excuse to do anything?
Weither it be an order, or an excuse or just what everyone else does.
I have even seen it in pyschology.
People will torture other people simpley because it is an order and whats worse is....they keep doing it even when they know it hurts or may be wrong.
But...is there an excuse or order even needed?
I am not sure I understand why it is so hard.
Is a kind deed so back bending? so much thatit is wereit is to the point where it is even painful to do something nice?
Let me tell you, I think I have done more for someone than I ever actually intended. Something so small seemed to follow me for 2 years.
It even started in a place I wouldnt have guessed.
Its amazing what you can do by listening to someone.
It started one day after my thursday school.
Some kid with a sojo beat magazine with a camo jacket just started talking to me.
And what did I do you ask?
I listened....and from that point on, that small deed grew into something more.
He seemed so...infatuated with the fact that I gave him such an honor of listening to him. AS if I wouldn't or treat him as if he didnt matter.
Truth is that it wasnt a big deal at all.
From that point on, I experienced a world of twists, turns, heartbreaks, hell, discovery and even laugher.
I gained memories by the dozens and even obtained an older brother.
But the time has come that the friendship I started two years ago with one kind deed will part.
My dear friend is moving and I will miss him, but the way i see it, hopfully happiness lies on his path.
It truly is amazing what one small choice of doing the right and nice thing to do can lead to.
Jack, I will miss you.
_Demon of the Diamonds_ · Fri Apr 27, 2007 @ 03:53am · 3 Comments |
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This is yet another day in which I wake up with nothing on my mind.
Then later after sitting around for a few minutes the pressure of the day begins.
The memories of yesterday, the to-do-list of today, and the plans for tomorrow.
I am perfectly content with my life, just not with its past.
Nor am I happy with the people in it.
It I scratch certain parts of my life out then I would have nothing.
I can not run from it or pretend its not there, but sometimes I wish It would just go away.
Not having it haunt me for a while is a perfect wish.
Well, time to get back to the everyday life.
Later days,
...............
(( these are just some notes to myself))
As for the video, for example, the YouTube link
they provide you with looks like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI8dvMlIzDE
For it to be able to play on your page,
you need the link to look like this:
http://www.youtube.com/v/LI8dvMlIzDE
And if you want it to play automatically,
put in "&autoplay=1" at the end, so it looks something like:
http://www.youtube.com/v/LI8dvMlIzDE&autoplay=1
_Demon of the Diamonds_ · Mon Apr 09, 2007 @ 07:50pm · 0 Comments |
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