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2:34 am ; November 7th 2011 ; can't sleep ; tummy's tied in knots..

I know, no-one is probably reading this, or ever going to read this but I don't really care, honestly. It sucks when you love someone so much, and have to let them go. It sucks so bad, when they won't tell you one little thing. Just one little thing you needed and wanted to know. They don't understand how bad it hurts. And if you knew that thing, it would make you feel secure. Renew your trust. It would have made me see, made me believe, made me want to trust again, but he didn't tell me. And there were other things too. It wasn't just that. There were a million of things. I'm not saying he's perfect. Neither am I.. no one is, but still. He knew, he knew how badly.. I wanted this thing. And he knew how serious I was too. But nope, he wouldn't. I felt like, it was more important than I. I loved him..still do. Love just doesn't, hmm.. disappear. Disappear like we want it to. It's always there.. when you truely love someone, it won't go away. It's always gonna be stored in the back of your brain. In your memories, packed away. Like a box from Christmas, stuffed away in your attic. Just like that. You know it's there, but it's not constantly on your mind.. but you don't forget. That's how it is with relationships.

Yeah, i act all happy. I smile, I laugh, I joke. But that's what i hide behind. I hide my pain, with happiness. With, positiveness. Because, i can't stand negative people, and I'm really not a negative person at all. But i mean, everyone has there moments. But with me, unless I'm alone, or it's someone I'm really close to. Not even that. Unless they're around when something happened, then yeah.. of course I'm not gonna pretend around them. What sense would that make? I just had to get out. I couldn't deal with the pain anymore. It was too much for me to handle. I wish differently, I wish it were perfect. I wish there wasn't any lies, any pain, any worried-ness, any jealousy. None of it. I wanted it to be perfect. I really thought it was, from the beginning. And to think of it, it WAS. Until we did stupid things influenced stupid humans do. It wasn't just him. I've done some things too. I'm not trying to make him seem like that bad guy. In the past I've done something I regret, so much. But that's over with. But apparently, whenever we'd get in a little disagreement, it'd just get worse and worse and I hated it. And he'd bring up the past. Even though, I apologized.. however sometimes, that isn't even enough. He said he forgave me though. So I just didn't.. understand. Maybe he lied to make it better? I don't know.. but now we're not together anymore and I feel so, alone. We were together for 11 months. That's longer than carrying a baby. That's almost a year. I still can't imagine, or think, of how my life's going to be from this moment on.

How am I ever gonna find someone else I love deeply, if I love someone else already? How will I know if that guy is a cheater or a liar. Or, maybe he's addicted to things behind my back. There's always a question. With someone you don't know. Even with people you do know, but I'm talking about with someone you don't know, there's even more questions. And I don't wanna go through that again. The whole, who are you, whats your name, where do you live, where'd you grow up, what school do you go to, do you go to church, do you like anyone, whats your hair color, whats your height, what do you weigh, whats this whats that. Hows this, hows that. Wheres this, wheres that. Whys this, whys that. Whos this, and whos that. Whens this, and whens that. Blah blah blah~
I don't wanna do that again. And I just wanna give up, if I can't have him. I have God. I know God will never abandon me, or make me feel sad. Or hurt my feelings. He's the one that's there for me when I'm not even there to speak or listen or want anything to do with him. But I mean, as in like.. finding the 'One'. I don't WANT to go through that again! ): anyway.. that's it for now. Goodnight~