I've done it. I've gotten rid of my infatuation with smile @|/T. And in my haste I had forgotten that he had become my muse for the last two years. So now here I am. Trying to find some sort compensation prize for my stupid doings. I guess I should, for future references, explain how one simply loses her muse. I guess it starts with the realization that now entering high school I would barley encounter *, let alone be able to start a simple conversation with him. Upon said realization I formulated a theory based on my friends quick transitions to crushes practically weekly. I figured that if I could convince myself that I liked another then I would be able to drop my stupid obsession for *. Too begin my test I first had too choose a specimen that I would be able too work freely with without arousing suspicion. I choose someone I could talk to without awkwardness in any form seeing as I barely knew him. ~~~So without further ado I send my sincere apologies to my friend Andrew Rodriguez. I'm truly sorry that I did this and Btw, your really fun to hang out with, especially with friends during the San Diego trip. It was good to get to know you.~~~ Anyways to get back to the subject. After choosing Andrew, I then proceeded to inform my Bffs that I had gained a crush. I told them to keep it on the down low. We gave him the code name 'P'. I told them my crush was just for, and I quote, "funsies". In truth I had no idea how to proceed from there since the last time I began a crush was two years before. Eventually with my friends thinking I liked him liked him, I was able to literally convince myself that had gotten over *. a week later i managed to convince myself that 'p was just a pawn in my stupid game. Thinking back I want to regret it so badly. I want to like *. I want to obsess over him. But any thought of him brings no emotions what so ever. I realize now that I am lost of my muse, because in all truths in the two years that I spent crushing on * I slowly turned him into a source of inspiration, a distraction from my life. Without him I have ups too though. My grades have improved dramatically. And I no longer have to constantly hope for you. Yet without him as my muse I feel void. My life seems like a rut with you to distract me. I am becoming more anxious and stressed and suffer from panic attacks waking me from my sleep at night. But I only have my self too blame. All in all I can't truly say I regret anything, because I know that at some point in my life I truly wanted and desired this. I felt I needed it. So be it. ~~~Elleheim~~. -----( *=Danny Danzy) I'm sorry.
 Elleheim · Wed Jan 11, 2012 @ 05:19am · 0 Comments |
