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I am sick, but where did it start?
At school or cross coutry, maybe even church.
Or maybe it started with my sister...
But who cares?

My friend had swine flu,
Another's girlfriend succomed.
Could it be the h1n1
That runs through my veins?

I've been continuing life as it is,
Thinking it was a cold.
Or maybe I knew all along,
And was unwilling to face the truth.

After a week it's lessened none,
My body now shakes with the effort to stand.
My head is pounding,
But what is inside?

My powerful leg aquavers,
My tiny body quakes.
Each constant cough and spasm
Sends pain from-head-to-toe.

Life goes on regardless,
I know not how many my victims are.
The cause of my conflicts solidifies
The steam of avoided knowledge in my thoughts.

I finally tell my closest friend,
Who has already endured the worst.
He filled me with guilt
For how many deaths I may cause.

The battle between fear and integrity
Must have been warred in my eyes,
The colorless blood staining
The everchanging colors.

The battlefields are dry and crisp,
Faint lines of torture still visible.
The cause of my fear
Is my own mother's threats.

Threatened to do my best in school,
I can't afford to miss a day.
Yet my friend guilts me into staying away,
My integrity winning at what cost?

My powerful leg quavers,
My tiny body quakes.
But how much of this is sickness,
And how much pain?

As if this crushing, suffocating feeling,
Tearing at my heart and my head,
Blinding me with emotion and grief,
Isn't enough to break me down...

One I called my "friend" doesn't care to reply.
My life could be taken, his nightmare fulfilled,
Or was it a nightmare he described,
If now he shows no concern?

He's probably distracted, yet again,
By the only thing that he seems to value.
His attraction to the opposite gender disgusts me,
All the while he only cares for himself.

The anger... The rage...
Must it be another element in the mixture,
Another item in the blender,
More death of the joy I felt?

The anger I felt was only a second,
No more, no longer could it survive.
Far too overpowered, it was,
By this sickening guilt.

Suffering is what brought me joy,
But now no joy can be found.
After all, how can I feel anything but guilt
When both options are wrong?

My powerful leg quavers,
My tiny body quakes.
But how much of this is sickness,
And how much pain?

My pain lies not within me--
It's wraped around me,
Strangling, squeezing, choking
The life out of me.

I feel a rage that's not my own,
A lust for revenge not born within me.
My emotions I find are not mine,
But a burning passion that poses as a trap.

Inside me lies inability,
I'm unable to do
What I was born able to.
Lies wraped around me...

Locked up by an anger not my own,
Suffocated by an outside pain,
Drowning in the innevitable,
Blinded to the optional.

I have every right to feel this way
After the hurt I've felt.
This anger is justice,
I harbor the bitterness.

I have no choice.
I must follow my rage.
Or do I have a choice?
Can I calm my feelings?

No...
This isn't me.
The anger is a trap
Set to ensnare me.

If the pain is mine,
Why is it on the outside?
This is what they want me to feel.
This is my path to destruction.

I've been betrayed...
My trust has been broken...
But if it was ever truly there,
Then it can be again.

If it hurts so much,
Why won't I heal it?
Instead I've been burying relationships
Under Satan's rage.

That's the one--
He told me that lie.
He hurt me.
He made me angery.

He turned my friends against me--
But why?
Why would he bother?
Because he's afraid.

Afraid because God has given me a key,
A key to take off these chains of hate,
Open the door of this cage of lies,
And if I take off this blindfold...

My bitterness is what blinds me.
I take it off and see...
The key is forgiveness.
I've had the option all along.

I free others from my grudge
With the same motion
As I free myself from death.
But not a physical death...

Unforgiveness would've been my downfall,
A spiritual death as I'm judged by my sin.
But now all that is behind me,
Now I only seek to forgive.

Are you listening?
Why then do you stare?
Can you hear with your eyes?
No, you'll only see my glare.

Why do you turn your head
To see what I have to say?
Close your eyes and listen
To who you shut out day-after-day.

Can wisdom be gained in a staring contest?
Can you learn by watching a wise man's lips?
Even touch shows more than sight,
So reach with your finger-tips.

A blind man sees more than you,
So what use to us are eyes?
They have perfect vision,
Or can't you realize?

All the colors that I see
Show how color-blind I am;
My glasses show me that sadly,
I'll never see until I ram.

The colors of the rainbow
Cannot compare to the colors of the heart.
Red to violet--so much they lack!
They only reflect the real art.

Your heart has eyes,
And they're stronger than you think.
Learn to open them,
And their glance can make a ship sink.

Blind faith is not so blind
When you open your true eyes.
Complicated theories scientists claim true,
But good eyes can see far past these lies.

Look past the glank wall of selfishness
And greed that a genius gave you;
See the truth behind the glass,
Tinted by your Earthly view.

Listen to what I have to say;
Make room in your mind for one last thing.
Hearing, smell, taste, touch, and sight fall short
Of what your heart says with a painful *ping*.

The strongest sense we never use,
Simply because its ways we do not understand.
But know that what I say is true,
Our sixth sense is on firm land.

Look inside yourself,
You know the truth.
It's unexplainable,
But does it need any proof?

The hole in your heart--
Only one thing can fill it.
And that one thing you treat
As an irritating zit.

You know what I'm talking about!
You can't stop me!
I'll shout it to the world!
Close your eyes and see!

I've tried so hard to save you...
I just can't let you be...
No matter how much you hurt me,
I just want you to see.

Now I try one last time...
Though I already know it won't work.
When I'm around you I feel a sense of failure.
I try to hide the things inside me that lurk.

You were my closest friend,
But were you a true friend?
You may as well have shot my arm
After what you say became a trend.

Being so close to you only brought pain.
I should've known--you're not the only one.
But I can't let this battle go;
Over your soul, which the darkness has won.

I wish I could help you,
But you won't let me.
I wish I could save you,
But only you can close your eyes and see.

One last thing I say...
I can't go back to when this was new...
Above all else hear this:
I'm sorry for what I didn't do.