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THE CRUELTY OF BEAUTY

Last night was a night to remember, a night for the history books, a night full of love and lust, sorrow and sadness, kindness and cruelty.
I must warn you that this is not a tale for the faint of heart, but it is nevertheless a tale which I must tell you. For I cannot contain such a story within myself. I‘m not asking you to believe it, I’m not even sure if I do.

I was feeling rather lonesome to begin with last night when I strolled down to my favorite lake to gaze into the shimmering ripples and watch the water-skippers dance their elegant ballet atop the water, as has become a sort of custom for myself in recent times.
So there I was, deep in thought, contemplating the meaning of life and the inevitability of death when out of the misty waters there came an apparition, or so I assumed, for I knew no woman of such beguiling beauty to exist anywhere but in the world of dreams and angels. In fact... I had seen her in my dreams many a night and awoken feeling so hopelessly lonely that I thought I would never sleep again. But here she was, this ghost, this phantom, this enchantress from my nightmares rising up out of the waters to sit beside me on a slab of granite. Speechless as I was I'm afraid all I could do was stare into her dazzling eyes. So fare was her face that I feared my gaze may defile it, so I lowered my sight back down to the mists. That was when she spoke... a voice so pure it was like a melody in itself even though it carried no tune, yet so full of beauty and sadness it was that I instantly knew no male heart would ever be able to quench the terrible flame of loneliness it inspired. As she spoke tears sprang unbidden to my eyes and the night air rushed into my leaden lungs. My own name it was the she muttered so softly, but as I had never heard it before. With this one word she summed up all of myself, all I've ever hoped for and loved, all of my fears and all of my joys. She spoke all of my existence and then sent it floating away on the gentle breeze like the very ghost of my tortured soul.
As it wisped away I began to wonder whether I'd even heard it... was I just imagining this whole thing? I quickly turned my tear-filled eyes back to this angel to see if she was in fact real. As I did my very soul sank because I saw nothing but swirling shadow... she had vanished within the velvety mists.
I jumped to my feet and strode off into the fog, haunted to the core by my loss... unable to speak as my heart had risen up into my throat and threatened to cut off my very breath if I did not find her again. In a sea of panic I peered into the dense cloud, straining my eyes to their mortal limit but to no avail. I began to run. I ran like I had never run before and I cared not where I went as long as I found her again. I could not bear to live without her.
How long I searched I cannot be sure. In my intoxication I lost all sense of time and location, of reality and fantasy. I began to doubt my own existence, and nearly gave myself up to insanity. I kept hearing her voice just beyond the next clearing... or was it just the forlorn howling of the wind in the trees? I could not be sure but it was enough to keep my lust afloat, to keep me hoping so desperately for what I knew must be just ahead.
The night had now grown so dark and the fog so thick I could feel it weighing me down like a grey slab of slate. Surely by then it must’ve been nearly midnight... and I had no idea where I was. The moonlight lit the shrouded forest with it's bewitching glow and I began to lose my confidence. Logic returned to my muddled mind like a bag of bricks and a crushing wave of despair swept over me, stopping me in my tracks. I stood there in the deep woods and listened to the silent music of the night, so peaceful yet so terrifying, for I knew I may never find my way back home, and in my mad rush I had forgotten my pack back at the lake.
Cold and wet I was, as the thick mists had soaked me to the bone. I decided to turn back but had no idea from whence I had come. I'm not one for hesitation so I rashly set off in what I concluded was the most likely direction. On I went at a steady pace at first, but after an hour or so I began to feel the panic of desperation and fear once again came over me like a hangman’s noose. I began to hear things in the woods... creatures and monsters, nightmares and demons. My imagination was far to creative that night to let those crunches and snaps belong to simple woodland creatures. I could feel their eyes boring into my flesh like the teeth I knew they longed to devour me with. Hear the saliva dribble down their hairy chins as they contemplated the bloody feast that I would surely become. I dared not look, for fear of seeing my wildest thoughts become reality. I sped up to a brisk walk, nearly trotting as I tried to contain my panic.
"They can sense my fear," I kept telling myself, "I will not run, I will not show them I'm afraid."
I tried to sing myself out of terror but the lyrics died on my lips, murdered by the very beasts that would surely do the same to me.
They were closer than ever before now... I could feel the hot breath on my neck, taste the evil stench of death that lingered in the still night air. I dared not look back, I stared straight ahead of me, expecting at any moment to feel the razor sharp claws tear into my shoulders and back.
At last the tension was too much and I gave in to my longing and ran headlong into the darkness. I ran with all the blood in my veins, with all the marrow in my bones. I ran away from my own mortality, trying so desperately to escape this hellish nightmare. I ran until my lungs teemed with needles and tore themselves to shreds. I ran until I could feel the ground beneath my feet fading away into nothing, crashing through thickets and smashing my shins into boulders. I felt no pain... only fear.
In my desperate high I failed to see the telltale signs of the swampland and stumbled headlong into a pool of stinking mire. Never had I been so engulfed in stench. I could hardly breath as the vile black slime clogged my nostrils and forced itself into my eyes and ears. I coughed and sputtered, already winded from my run, and feebly tried to fight my way out. I could feel death take hold of me as a curtain of black began to crowd my senses. It was all slipping away...
"This is how it all ends," I told myself, "in your haste to run away from death you've thrown yourself into it's very embrace."
"Of course it would end this way, you've enjoyed far too much good fortune to have earned a peaceful death. You've always known it would catch up to you eventually, and here you are, cuddled in the very bosom of the stories end. The reaper is finally here to drag you down with him."
I gave it all up that night... I gave in to my demise and stopped my struggling. I would not die a coward, I would go bravely into oblivion. With my last moments of life I would not play the fool, I would go boldly into the shapeless void that awaits all of humanity. My last act of defiance.
Before it all faded to black I thought I saw her, although even now I can't be sure, my phantom, my temptress, my siren. It angered me, for her to show herself to me before my death. Why couldn't she just have left me to my own peace of mind? She had to remind me what a fool I'd been, why I'd gotten into this mess in the first place. I cried out to her in anger, but my screams were suffocated by the thick sludge and my anguish was left unspoken. I drifted into blackness, consumed with my despair.

I know not how I wound up ragged and spent on my doorstep the next morning... but I'm unsure of much about that night. All I know is that I will never again venture that deep into the woods alone, and I will never again gaze upon the golden rays of the sun without recognizing the kindness that it so mercifully bestows upon us all.