I haven't wrote in this for ages, my everything is gone. I feel worse than ever before. I had no idea the type of emptiness that happens when someone who you thought would be there forever is suddenly ripped from your life.
His existence has ended, mine hasn't. I'm forced to deal with the fallout of a world that feels more foreign than ever before.
I no longer want to write to clear my head, I no longer want to write for fun. I don't want to do anything.
I lost my job, I was told "Was it Anthony Tinker?"
"I'm related to him!" and they walked away as if they hadn't just ripped out my barely bandaged heart once again.
I'm barely holding on and I just want to let go. I want my heart to give out, I want to suddenly be with him.
I know that's not what he wants. I know thats not what is planned for me. I've gone through too much to die now.
What is the point? What is the point of having a mother who only uses you for selfish gains? A mother who wanted to have me follow her footsteps, down the path of the beaten and battered women who gave in. Just continued the cycle of abuse. Picking a s**t husband, popping out kids that are either prostitutes and pathological liars or grow up and join the military. All depends on what gender they are.
Well mama, I wasn't born to keep my head down. I didn't stay quiet when it was your man that felt I was his to use.
Don't worry, my dad in his swiftness didnt think of the challenge, he didn't think of the pain and torture I had endured. He knew that man tried to unalive us for money in that "car accident". He didn't know how deep the mental damage went.
Thanks to you mom. my dad's side wrote off an eight year old as a girl who was conniving and would do anything to get her way. Wonder if thats why he chose to tell me I didn't need therapy after the lifetime of abuse you put me through before I could even read. Wonder if thats why he gave me everything I asked for,
Even my own dad wrote me off, convinced I'd turn into you. Convinced I'd be his Cinderella without a stepmom. Who needs an evil stepmom when your father gaslights you daily? Unable to handle the challenge of a strong willed child whose fearless.. Mostly.
I still feared dark corners, closed closets and drawn shower curtains. Afraid that my mom's now ex-husband was going to unalive me for fearlessly speaking up.
I feared my dad's anger getting out of control. I feared him getting black-out angry and unaliving me or at least trying to.
I didn't fear Jeffrey. I liked play fighting cause I felt the more I did it, The more experience I had fighting, the less likely that I'd have to worry about a man turning on little ol' me.
I made sure to get strong enough that I could carry a man taller than I on my back.
I stared at Colin in a rage and with a chin raise, dared him to hit me.
Then I found my love. I found a man who I felt was everything and more that I could have dreamed of
I let my fear of men and attachment and abondonment take over. I still showed him my vulnerable parts.
It didn't take him long to make my walls crumble in place. He walked over the shambles with open arms and saw me in all my pain and hurt, He saw who I was.
He said I was enough and I wasn't too much. I was just right. I was exactly who he was searching for.
He showed me, his love was as unconditional as he promised me.
Now I'm alone. Lost in a world I didnt think I could feel lost in again. I didn't realize how much I felt like I belonged with him, until he was no more.
I try so hard to not blame me. I know he doesn't blame me. I know the universe doesn't blame me. No one blames me... but a part of me does.
A part of me feels like I could've done something, I could've made sure we weren't there when those people came walking past. I could've figured something out to keep us away long enough. late enough.
Why show me a piece of heaven just to rip it away from me?
Why give me a home and burn it down
What am I to do now? Rebuilding is different now,
 Isarawrrawr · Wed Jan 11, 2023 @ 06:24am · 0 Comments |
