So let me begin by introducing myself.
My name is Amanda Lynn; I was born in British Columbia, Canada. I am 19 years of age and quite obviously a girl. My life revolves around my Boy Friend Dylan and Pomeranian Akira; the three of us live in an apartment in Edmonton Alberta. My dream job is to become an Acupuncturist, though I'm not getting very close to that dream as I have not fully graduated yet. A dream of mine is to travel to a third world country to aid children in need as I feel that donating $35.oo a month just isn't enough, I want to be there helping these children who need someone to look up to someone they can depend on and not have their hopes and dreams crushed by. Any one can sit on their couch in their comfortable apartments and houses while donating $35.oo a month, but who can say that they were there helping these children in person showing them that they care and love them. Now I supposed I should change the subject before I become all mushy and passionate.
I've been told that I have a heart made out of gold and that I shouldn't put others before myself so often. Some days I believe it and some days I don't. I don't regret anything I have done in my life and I strongly believe in Karma, and live by the saying "You must go through a lot of bad before you gain any good" and I believe that I am doing my share in that.
I am the Eldest of 4 kids, I have 2 sisters, one who lives in Ontario with her mother she's a total sweet heart and has been put through so much. Sammi is her name, I never knew who she was I only knew she existed until April of this year, 16 years she went without knowing she had other siblings but that's a whole new story. My second sisters name is Christina, she is 14 has 4 warrants out for her arrest has prostituted herself and has done almost every drug she could get her hands on. Then there's my pride and joy, now I try not to play favorites but this boy I raised with my own two hands, Devon age 10 the sweetest little boy you could ever meet and I have never felt so much love as I do when I look at him, unfortunately I rarely get to see him. I used to be the biggest Daddy's little girl, I was his angel the only constant child in his life I stuck by him through his abusive relationships, not your typical ones mind you he was the one that was being abused. I was there with him at the hospital while he went through his Chemo for his stomach cancer, I lifted a burden off of his shoulder as I raised my little brother while his girlfriend frolicked around and neglected her child and he slept. He was DJ you see always worked the night shift though he would do anything to make sure there was food on the table. He was a good dad, though I'll explain the good dad thing later.
When I was I kid I was the biggest loser in school never had a friend until grade 4 when I met my best friends Alex, Richard and my Ex Best friend Oryanna. The only people I was close to besides my Baba and Grandpa, as well as my G.G. My Baba also had a heart of gold especially when it came to me her only grandchild. My Grandpa was an alcoholic but I loved him none the less. The thing that scared me the most in my childhood was also the thing that caused my first heart break. When I was 9 my household got a phone call to my house at 2 in the morning, you see my Baba suffered from breast cancer. We rushed to the hospital to find her blind, deaf and barely breathing in the hospital bed, she took her last breath in my little arms. My Grandpa went down hill from there, my mom tried to shelter me from what he'd become so my visitations were limited I was losing another best friend, though I didn't really know it at the time. His liver failed. My Nana was taking me down Island for a visit to her brother when my mom called asking her to turn around and pick her up so she could go see her dad in the hospital. I was a little confused I remember that. The three of us rushed to the hospital, I sat outside the door to his room for half an hour listening to the death rattle. My mom finally moved me to the waiting room down the hall way but I could still hear it. Finally I got this feeling; I just needed to go to his room one last time. Once again as I gave him the last hug I'd ever give him he died. Though I was given a piece of mind when I looked out the window to see two black bunnies playing in the grass outside. Two souls joining to live in happiness, my two best friends. My G.G.'s death came lastly; she too died of breast cancer but peacefully in her bed. No one knew she had it until she died, she'd ask for no treatment as she was older, 85.
The only time I can say that my mom and I were truly happy was when it was just the two of us living on our own. Though my mom is the type of person who doesn't like to be alone, same as my dad. When my Baba and Grandpa died my mom inherited the house and her husband Tim, she and I moved in. Tim was a very controlling husband yet another thing I never found out till I grew older. My mom divorced him a few years after we moved in and then the numerous amounts of boy friends rolled in. Along with the numerous boy friends on my mom's end my dad was staring his abusive girlfriends list as well and watching my parents strive for happiness that they couldn't find along with having issues coping with my Baba, Grandpa and G.G.'s death put me into a sever depression.
At the age of 13 I to began to strive for happiness through boy friends and girl friends, gaining them just because someone else wanted them to prove that I was stronger than others that I was better than others. I began to abuse pain killers to numb the pain, though naturally it never actually worked and I also began cutting watching myself bleed branding myself with fire and a knife. I began experiencing dreams that felt so real it was hard to believe that they didn't actually happen, I would 'wake up' to find a man with a bloody butchers knife half naked above me and my thighs were covered in cuts and blood, but when I actually woke up the blood wasn't there and the only scars that remained where the ones I had inflicted in myself. I lived by a grave yard so I blamed all this on the ghost's that I so frequently visited and talked to.
At the age of 14 I met my now lover Dylan, he began to date my best friend at the time Oryanna though I so longed to have him for myself, I just knew that I was meant to be with him. I still continued to abuse pain killers and cut. Dylan and I became best friends as well because in middle school and other times in your life that's what you do, become friends with your best friends lover. I grew jealous of Oryanna as her and Dylan had been having sex, I hadn't yet lost my V card I held onto that, I wouldn't admit it at the time but I wanted to lose it to him. I started going on go-gaia.com around this time and met someone who will always have love coming from my heart no matter what he did to me no matter how much he lied to me. His name was Chris; I gave him my heart and soul for 2 years. I doubt I'll ever forget him, we would stay up all night talking and sending each other picture's we respected each others boundaries and never crossed them. Though I loved Chris, I still longed for Dylan. My brother Devon was moved down Island and we had a strict visitation plan that we eventually couldn't follow anymore because it began to cost too much money, my heart began to break more. Oryanna started smoking pot and partying all the time around age 15 which dragged me into it as well though I never became a pot head until I was 16 and even then I only did it occasionally. Even though I loved Chris he disappeared for about 8 months and in that time I dated a few people. Dylan and I had made out numerous of times and although I knew it was wrong I just couldn't help myself. I was leading a secret life amongst a secret life. My parents knew nothing of what I was doing and Oryanna knew nothing of what was going on between Dylan and I.
By Age 16 I was on a dangerous path of becoming an Alcoholic I kept up with the big boys when it came to drinking and I could out drink any of my friends, I loved the liquor and my family was falling apart even more. At this point my dad had married my wicked step mother, and I had found out that Chris had been cheating on me with not only a woman but a man as well. I had stopped cutting and was slowly weaning off of the pain killer abuse but the alcohol was still my best friend. I started working at a dead end job which has now given me Carpel Tunnel, the job itself only lasted a year. My mom had finally settled down with her now husband Andre. Each parent was on their third marriage, third times the charm right? Wrong. I was spending more and more time with Dylan he'd become my very best friend in the whole wide world and I was beginning to want him now more than ever. Oryanna was beginning to use me and I had to lie to her constantly and tell her that she deserved better than Dylan even though in the back of my head I was saying 'Just leave him so I can have him please!' I was now also best friends with a girl named Sam, she was wonderful. My sister Chrissy had begun acting out already she was 12 at the time and she'd already began smoking pot and tried Ecstasy. My brother Devon was still down island and this was the start of my long 2 year draught of not being able to see him, my heart broke some more. I got into smoking pot some more and Oryanna tried to shield me from other drugs, it's about the only good thing she had done for me at this point in our friendship.
Finally age 17 comes along; I gave up on the pain killer abuse and began the slow start of losing my friends. I had already failed math once and was repeating it, I hate math I'll always despise it. I'd lost contact with my best friend Richard the year before and now it was everyone else turn. During winter break Oryanna and Dylan broke up, on New Years Dylan and I got together and the on January 2nd I we had sex. The day Dylan and I got together I lost Sam as a friend. Oryanna tried to make peace with me but all of that went to s**t and I when I lost her as a friend I lost everyone except for a good friend named Tim and a ex enemy turned friend named Tyler and Alex my oldest and dearest friend. When I began to date Dylan I became a major pot head, we partied and went to a couple of raves and life was good, I was finally letting lose I didn't have to hide a part of me anymore and all was good. I had moved onto a new job and decided to leave my parents house since I lived with Dylan most of the time any ways, though I didn't move in with him I moved in with my Nana. Though the loss of all my friends and the rumors that they spread caught up to me and I dropped out of school. Dylan eventually moved in with my Nana and I and the three of us lived together for a good 6 months till she grated my nerves and we decided to move in with Dylan’s' mom. This is when the Ecstasy and Acid came into the picture, I've only ever done them both once and they were two of the greatest experiences I've ever had. At this point I got in contact with my Sister Sammi.
Age 18 hit and finally everything began catching up to me and I started to realize that I couldn't keep living like this. By now I had my dog and we were living in a house full of Pot heads and drug users. The pot smoke started to give me head aches instead of soothing them and I couldn't take it anymore I moved back in with my mom and Dylan quit smoking pot. I wasn't working anymore but he was, though it was a dead end job with barely any income and it wasn't enough to get our own place. My sister Chrissy was mostly out of my life by now at least we weren't talking. She was living down Island with her drug dealer boy friend who was 21. Nana bought a plane ticket for my Sister Sammi and she came out to visit, it was wonderful one of the most touching moments in my life and we bonded instantly. I needed a break and my Dad had moved to Edmonton, so the three of us went to visit him. The trip was straining but we made our point. By now everyone had realized how much of a witch my Dad's wife Jenn was. We returned and went down to visit Devon, which was another magical moment. I returned home and got Dylan a job working in Edmonton. He moved out and 3 days before my 19th birthday I followed.
And now I'm 19 Living in Edmonton with my Boy friend and Pomeranian. My Dad now talks about me behind my back like I'm a huge screw up and our relationship is going to s**t because of how him and My evil step mom scared my sister Sammi away. She came to Edmonton to live with him and get to know him better and he allowed his wife to treat her like s**t, she had no chance in hell surviving out here. Now I didn't mean for this to become and mini autobiography but I guess that's how it turned out. I try to follow as much a path of Buddhism as I can now, though I suffer from anger problems, I still love to drink just not as much and I swear a little too much. I have to admit it is true that I never put myself first though as you've read I've spent a lot of time seeing things fall apart around me and I always want to fix them, I see the hurt in people and I am drawn to them to try and make things better. I love to put a smile on people’s faces it makes me feel good, I love to give and I never ask for anything in return. Though most people would say that I only say that and don't actually mean it. I do what I do for the smiles and nothing more; I work for everything that I have earned whether it be a pixilated item on Gaia, the money that goes towards my bills, the respect of others or even for the love that comes from my lover. I don't expect anything in return but I would give the world just to put a smile on a strangers face or to help someone less fortunate. I never go out for dinner or to the bar unless I can tip the waitress/Waiter at least 15 dollars; every time I see an animal on the street that looks bruised or abused I want to take it in. I always try to be there for friends and family and as much as I'm told it's wrong I put them first. If there isn't enough food for everyone in the house I don't eat so they can, I can't help it.
So there you have it. I'm not saying my life was horrible, I don't regret writing this all for you guys to read. I don't want your sympathy. You may think that I shouldn't be putting all of this here for you to read but you know what I don't care. My life is an open book I never lie about any part of it. I know I've done wrong in the past but again I don't care. You didn't have to read this but if you did then congrats, you know more about me then I know about you.
`Karmie
My name is Amanda Lynn; I was born in British Columbia, Canada. I am 19 years of age and quite obviously a girl. My life revolves around my Boy Friend Dylan and Pomeranian Akira; the three of us live in an apartment in Edmonton Alberta. My dream job is to become an Acupuncturist, though I'm not getting very close to that dream as I have not fully graduated yet. A dream of mine is to travel to a third world country to aid children in need as I feel that donating $35.oo a month just isn't enough, I want to be there helping these children who need someone to look up to someone they can depend on and not have their hopes and dreams crushed by. Any one can sit on their couch in their comfortable apartments and houses while donating $35.oo a month, but who can say that they were there helping these children in person showing them that they care and love them. Now I supposed I should change the subject before I become all mushy and passionate.
I've been told that I have a heart made out of gold and that I shouldn't put others before myself so often. Some days I believe it and some days I don't. I don't regret anything I have done in my life and I strongly believe in Karma, and live by the saying "You must go through a lot of bad before you gain any good" and I believe that I am doing my share in that.
I am the Eldest of 4 kids, I have 2 sisters, one who lives in Ontario with her mother she's a total sweet heart and has been put through so much. Sammi is her name, I never knew who she was I only knew she existed until April of this year, 16 years she went without knowing she had other siblings but that's a whole new story. My second sisters name is Christina, she is 14 has 4 warrants out for her arrest has prostituted herself and has done almost every drug she could get her hands on. Then there's my pride and joy, now I try not to play favorites but this boy I raised with my own two hands, Devon age 10 the sweetest little boy you could ever meet and I have never felt so much love as I do when I look at him, unfortunately I rarely get to see him. I used to be the biggest Daddy's little girl, I was his angel the only constant child in his life I stuck by him through his abusive relationships, not your typical ones mind you he was the one that was being abused. I was there with him at the hospital while he went through his Chemo for his stomach cancer, I lifted a burden off of his shoulder as I raised my little brother while his girlfriend frolicked around and neglected her child and he slept. He was DJ you see always worked the night shift though he would do anything to make sure there was food on the table. He was a good dad, though I'll explain the good dad thing later.
When I was I kid I was the biggest loser in school never had a friend until grade 4 when I met my best friends Alex, Richard and my Ex Best friend Oryanna. The only people I was close to besides my Baba and Grandpa, as well as my G.G. My Baba also had a heart of gold especially when it came to me her only grandchild. My Grandpa was an alcoholic but I loved him none the less. The thing that scared me the most in my childhood was also the thing that caused my first heart break. When I was 9 my household got a phone call to my house at 2 in the morning, you see my Baba suffered from breast cancer. We rushed to the hospital to find her blind, deaf and barely breathing in the hospital bed, she took her last breath in my little arms. My Grandpa went down hill from there, my mom tried to shelter me from what he'd become so my visitations were limited I was losing another best friend, though I didn't really know it at the time. His liver failed. My Nana was taking me down Island for a visit to her brother when my mom called asking her to turn around and pick her up so she could go see her dad in the hospital. I was a little confused I remember that. The three of us rushed to the hospital, I sat outside the door to his room for half an hour listening to the death rattle. My mom finally moved me to the waiting room down the hall way but I could still hear it. Finally I got this feeling; I just needed to go to his room one last time. Once again as I gave him the last hug I'd ever give him he died. Though I was given a piece of mind when I looked out the window to see two black bunnies playing in the grass outside. Two souls joining to live in happiness, my two best friends. My G.G.'s death came lastly; she too died of breast cancer but peacefully in her bed. No one knew she had it until she died, she'd ask for no treatment as she was older, 85.
The only time I can say that my mom and I were truly happy was when it was just the two of us living on our own. Though my mom is the type of person who doesn't like to be alone, same as my dad. When my Baba and Grandpa died my mom inherited the house and her husband Tim, she and I moved in. Tim was a very controlling husband yet another thing I never found out till I grew older. My mom divorced him a few years after we moved in and then the numerous amounts of boy friends rolled in. Along with the numerous boy friends on my mom's end my dad was staring his abusive girlfriends list as well and watching my parents strive for happiness that they couldn't find along with having issues coping with my Baba, Grandpa and G.G.'s death put me into a sever depression.
At the age of 13 I to began to strive for happiness through boy friends and girl friends, gaining them just because someone else wanted them to prove that I was stronger than others that I was better than others. I began to abuse pain killers to numb the pain, though naturally it never actually worked and I also began cutting watching myself bleed branding myself with fire and a knife. I began experiencing dreams that felt so real it was hard to believe that they didn't actually happen, I would 'wake up' to find a man with a bloody butchers knife half naked above me and my thighs were covered in cuts and blood, but when I actually woke up the blood wasn't there and the only scars that remained where the ones I had inflicted in myself. I lived by a grave yard so I blamed all this on the ghost's that I so frequently visited and talked to.
At the age of 14 I met my now lover Dylan, he began to date my best friend at the time Oryanna though I so longed to have him for myself, I just knew that I was meant to be with him. I still continued to abuse pain killers and cut. Dylan and I became best friends as well because in middle school and other times in your life that's what you do, become friends with your best friends lover. I grew jealous of Oryanna as her and Dylan had been having sex, I hadn't yet lost my V card I held onto that, I wouldn't admit it at the time but I wanted to lose it to him. I started going on go-gaia.com around this time and met someone who will always have love coming from my heart no matter what he did to me no matter how much he lied to me. His name was Chris; I gave him my heart and soul for 2 years. I doubt I'll ever forget him, we would stay up all night talking and sending each other picture's we respected each others boundaries and never crossed them. Though I loved Chris, I still longed for Dylan. My brother Devon was moved down Island and we had a strict visitation plan that we eventually couldn't follow anymore because it began to cost too much money, my heart began to break more. Oryanna started smoking pot and partying all the time around age 15 which dragged me into it as well though I never became a pot head until I was 16 and even then I only did it occasionally. Even though I loved Chris he disappeared for about 8 months and in that time I dated a few people. Dylan and I had made out numerous of times and although I knew it was wrong I just couldn't help myself. I was leading a secret life amongst a secret life. My parents knew nothing of what I was doing and Oryanna knew nothing of what was going on between Dylan and I.
By Age 16 I was on a dangerous path of becoming an Alcoholic I kept up with the big boys when it came to drinking and I could out drink any of my friends, I loved the liquor and my family was falling apart even more. At this point my dad had married my wicked step mother, and I had found out that Chris had been cheating on me with not only a woman but a man as well. I had stopped cutting and was slowly weaning off of the pain killer abuse but the alcohol was still my best friend. I started working at a dead end job which has now given me Carpel Tunnel, the job itself only lasted a year. My mom had finally settled down with her now husband Andre. Each parent was on their third marriage, third times the charm right? Wrong. I was spending more and more time with Dylan he'd become my very best friend in the whole wide world and I was beginning to want him now more than ever. Oryanna was beginning to use me and I had to lie to her constantly and tell her that she deserved better than Dylan even though in the back of my head I was saying 'Just leave him so I can have him please!' I was now also best friends with a girl named Sam, she was wonderful. My sister Chrissy had begun acting out already she was 12 at the time and she'd already began smoking pot and tried Ecstasy. My brother Devon was still down island and this was the start of my long 2 year draught of not being able to see him, my heart broke some more. I got into smoking pot some more and Oryanna tried to shield me from other drugs, it's about the only good thing she had done for me at this point in our friendship.
Finally age 17 comes along; I gave up on the pain killer abuse and began the slow start of losing my friends. I had already failed math once and was repeating it, I hate math I'll always despise it. I'd lost contact with my best friend Richard the year before and now it was everyone else turn. During winter break Oryanna and Dylan broke up, on New Years Dylan and I got together and the on January 2nd I we had sex. The day Dylan and I got together I lost Sam as a friend. Oryanna tried to make peace with me but all of that went to s**t and I when I lost her as a friend I lost everyone except for a good friend named Tim and a ex enemy turned friend named Tyler and Alex my oldest and dearest friend. When I began to date Dylan I became a major pot head, we partied and went to a couple of raves and life was good, I was finally letting lose I didn't have to hide a part of me anymore and all was good. I had moved onto a new job and decided to leave my parents house since I lived with Dylan most of the time any ways, though I didn't move in with him I moved in with my Nana. Though the loss of all my friends and the rumors that they spread caught up to me and I dropped out of school. Dylan eventually moved in with my Nana and I and the three of us lived together for a good 6 months till she grated my nerves and we decided to move in with Dylan’s' mom. This is when the Ecstasy and Acid came into the picture, I've only ever done them both once and they were two of the greatest experiences I've ever had. At this point I got in contact with my Sister Sammi.
Age 18 hit and finally everything began catching up to me and I started to realize that I couldn't keep living like this. By now I had my dog and we were living in a house full of Pot heads and drug users. The pot smoke started to give me head aches instead of soothing them and I couldn't take it anymore I moved back in with my mom and Dylan quit smoking pot. I wasn't working anymore but he was, though it was a dead end job with barely any income and it wasn't enough to get our own place. My sister Chrissy was mostly out of my life by now at least we weren't talking. She was living down Island with her drug dealer boy friend who was 21. Nana bought a plane ticket for my Sister Sammi and she came out to visit, it was wonderful one of the most touching moments in my life and we bonded instantly. I needed a break and my Dad had moved to Edmonton, so the three of us went to visit him. The trip was straining but we made our point. By now everyone had realized how much of a witch my Dad's wife Jenn was. We returned and went down to visit Devon, which was another magical moment. I returned home and got Dylan a job working in Edmonton. He moved out and 3 days before my 19th birthday I followed.
And now I'm 19 Living in Edmonton with my Boy friend and Pomeranian. My Dad now talks about me behind my back like I'm a huge screw up and our relationship is going to s**t because of how him and My evil step mom scared my sister Sammi away. She came to Edmonton to live with him and get to know him better and he allowed his wife to treat her like s**t, she had no chance in hell surviving out here. Now I didn't mean for this to become and mini autobiography but I guess that's how it turned out. I try to follow as much a path of Buddhism as I can now, though I suffer from anger problems, I still love to drink just not as much and I swear a little too much. I have to admit it is true that I never put myself first though as you've read I've spent a lot of time seeing things fall apart around me and I always want to fix them, I see the hurt in people and I am drawn to them to try and make things better. I love to put a smile on people’s faces it makes me feel good, I love to give and I never ask for anything in return. Though most people would say that I only say that and don't actually mean it. I do what I do for the smiles and nothing more; I work for everything that I have earned whether it be a pixilated item on Gaia, the money that goes towards my bills, the respect of others or even for the love that comes from my lover. I don't expect anything in return but I would give the world just to put a smile on a strangers face or to help someone less fortunate. I never go out for dinner or to the bar unless I can tip the waitress/Waiter at least 15 dollars; every time I see an animal on the street that looks bruised or abused I want to take it in. I always try to be there for friends and family and as much as I'm told it's wrong I put them first. If there isn't enough food for everyone in the house I don't eat so they can, I can't help it.
So there you have it. I'm not saying my life was horrible, I don't regret writing this all for you guys to read. I don't want your sympathy. You may think that I shouldn't be putting all of this here for you to read but you know what I don't care. My life is an open book I never lie about any part of it. I know I've done wrong in the past but again I don't care. You didn't have to read this but if you did then congrats, you know more about me then I know about you.
`Karmie
