It's been a while since I've done anything like this, and it's probably not the smartest thing in the world. But sometimes I just feel like letting out all of my feelings. Lately I don't know what I want out of life. Are the things I'm going to do the things I want? Do I really want to go to college? I'm pretty sure. Do I really want a relationship? I don't know. This morning I had the feeling that today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I honestly don't know what to do with it. I'm struggling in school, because of my own problems. I had a project due on Friday that I didn't turn in, and neglected to do it over the weekend. I just got finished with the main part that I'm working on with it. I need to call Solas Gallery and see if they will take my senior pictures in April. I can't wait until my mom comes home in February... So many other things have happened recently. I think I've decided in my mind that I'm going to stay single, at least until I go to college. I'm not sure why I have such a need for attention right now.. I can't figure it out. I wish I could. Maybe it's the fact that I can't stand to live alone. My dad is never home, my brother only stops by every one in a while, my mom is in Afghanistan, and my other assorted family members don't have time for me. I feel as though I've lost one of my closest friends recently to a group of people that... don't exactly fit him. I think the smiling face I put on is just that... a face. Nothing more. There are certainly no destructive thoughts running through my head lately, which is a good thing, but none of my thoughts are exactly filled with butterflies and rainbows. Right now I need something, I'm waiting for something. But I have no clue on earth as to what it could be. I've been reading a lot lately, Nora Roberts. It helps pass the time and takes away some of the lonliness. I'm tired of being alone. When I was with Jason at least I had someone around. Now, I have no one. I must admit that even though I am lonely and sad I was blessed with an amazing friend and family. I don't especially like to use that word, blessed. It seems religious to me. The only way I would like to use the word 'blessed' would be if I was saying 'blessed be.' My heart yearns to be loved, craves touch. I don't know what it is I want, or what I'm waiting for, but I sure hope it comes soon. I've been keeping to myself more than usual, digging into books. I should be grateful for what I have when it comes to my friends and family. I was lucky enough to get an understanding best friend of eight years. Even though the things that I have felt could have ruined most friendships, I was pleased to find I got the one person who wouldn't turn away from me for petty feelings. Now those feelings have to go away before they end up hurting me or someone I care about. When it comes to relationships, I'm not sure what I want. I thought I knew what I wanted, but in the end it turns out that the things I wanted in a person were different from the person I wanted. I can't wait to get out of school, and yet I don't want it to end. I would like to start something different while at the same time being close to something familiar. Maybe something good will happen today. Maybe something exciting will happen today. Maybe my heart will stop this rocking back and forth. I crave music in my ears, blaring loud, but I don't know what would soothe this frazzled heart. My mind is wandering, and my heart is disruptive. I need to know what I'm looking for. I need to know what I want. Maybe lonliness is the best thing for me right now, so I can figure out what I am lacking and achieve it. Maybe I want to want something, and I'm not lacking anything at all. I know I can be happy on my own, I've done it before. I just wish I had a friend of some sort to stay with me and keep me company. Even just having someone I care about around the house. If my dad was at least at home... it would be a nice change. At least Christmas will keep me busy.
What do I want?
Noke Community Member 
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