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It seems i dont know what to do in my life anymore my love is lies, I talk bullshit, Im not faithful. Although nothings happened with other girls i cant seem to stop thinking about them i have a gf and she's my everything i would give anything to see her, to meet her, to touch her but it seems like its never going to happen. When i talk with her on the phone it doesnt sound like the same person.

I cried today,
for the first time in 2 years i cried. I was reading my gf's journal and of all the nice things she says about me depresses me because i know no matter how much we talk and how many times we say we love each other its not gonna be real I feel like such a fake. Like an illusionist playing to a bedazzled crowd. I know i love her but how can i justify what i feel how can what i say be real how do i make myself love someone i dont deserve...

Lately ive been contemplating suicide,
Like a way to make all my problems go away.
To take the easy way out of life and love and all the problems that go with the two.
I dont know what to do everything is so confusing what with my uncle dying and to know i might not even be able to go to his funeral is what depresses me the most.

Not knowing how to finish this i think ill leave it there say what you wish i just put this up to let off steam

I love you bri even if I cant justify it to myself