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So today is the "Big Day" here at Stetson where Jean-Marie Londeix is coming to give a masterclass wuth Bill Street and Dr. Street is going to perform for us tonight. Right now though...I could honestly care less.

I was in the shower this morning and talking to myself as I typically do about the state of my life and all of its intricate parts and I realise that nothing in my life is happy. I have some things that I think are wonderful which are just illusions of what I want them to be and so I perceive them as what they are not and a great many things that I continue to fight against which have yet to become worthwhile. It's all becoming so taxing really...Music doesn't give me as much joy because everyone fights me in what I want to do, no one at this school really knows who I am and even my own studio seems to merely tolerate my presence. I can't bring myself up to the level I should be at no matter how much or how well I practice and Mr. Bishop still seems to be disappointed with me. My life in general is about the same as the people around me seem to only accept my existence. The people I enjoy talking to and enjoy spending time with appear to only want me around when I'm not being me and I think I'm making them "Sick" of me with how I act.

I stood in the shower a good 15 minutes this morning berating myself for my flaws and why I can't seem to get past certain things and it just dawned on me that, when you get down to the very core of my life...I'm utterly miserable. School is going nowhere and doing nothing but increasing my blood pressure and decreasing my pocket book, my financial situation is a joke and the job I used to have that I miss so much is an impossibility as long as I'm in school, my "Love Life" seems to make people more uncomfortable than it does happy and going home to the same empty apartment every night to simply hope online and do practically nothing is just...Well, pathetic.

I know these are things I've all said before but today it actually means something to me. It's not an "OMG I R SOO ANGSTEE" or what have you. It's just a realization that isn't making me necessarily feel one thing or another. It's just making me finally feel and see some of these things that I know are problems but still struggle against. I think it's high time I decided whether a miserable life at school is really what I want to do for another year and a half or if I want to go back to the monotony of Electronics Boutique where I was at least content with my lot in life.

So just like the title says...drawroF gnivoM