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These iron bars can't hold my soul.

So I bought this new, computer right?

636 USD isn't so bad. It comes tomorrow.

Well, it dawned on me about the day that I bought it, that I only have a thousand dollars left for.. Four years.

I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm too afraid to get a job for some reason. All the help that's being given to students, is to the students that don't need it - the kids with financial aid. My parents make just enough money to disqualify me from all help, but not enough money to finish college.

How it's working right now is they pay for everything and I just buy food and pay for cable and internet.
Well, my grandma decided she was going to pay internet and cable TV for me, so all I'm paying for is food, now. To be honest, if it weren't for my grandma, I wouldn't be paying for cable TV, because I almost never use it.

Anyway.

So this big dawn moment happens. You know, hoshit, I have 1k left for 4 years of college. And being as that is literally all the money I have, it came to me that I need to start penny pinching.

So I eat like once or twice every three days.

I've found it's really cheap to live off cereal if you only have one bowl a day. I'm still living off the original food my parents bought me to start me off, so I've got two and a half boxes of s**t left, and milk is only like 3 bucks a week or so.
I used to spend like 10 - 15 USD a week for TV dinners, but I decided to live off the stuff I bought from home for a while.
When I run out of cereal, I've got ramen and instant breakfast left. And I'm kind of working on the instant breakfast every now and then, but I really dislike ramen, so it's mostly cereal now.

If you have any type of medical brain on your shoulder, 1 bowl of cereal a day + hot weather = body deterioration.

My normal hallucinations have increased about 50%, backaches are way more common and worse, I get drunk a hell of a lot faster with less and it lasts for a whole 24 hours, since I've got nothing to absorb it with or wash it out with. I get random second winds when my body decides to eat the small amount of fat I have, and then when I actually use those second winds, I'm down and out for a few hours.

Headaches and cravings for addictions go way up, and you get irritated a lot easier. It's hard ot pay attention, and it's harder to maintain cognizant speaking terms. I was talking to Will today over the phone and he immediately picked out some onsense stuff I said that either made no sense, or that I normally wouldn't say, even If I were drunk.

hand-eye coordination goes way down, as does reaction speed. But one thing is my hearing went up. Either that, or things I normally would ignore, like the buzzing of lights or electricity(I have awesome hearing) are just much, much more apparent. When the TV is on mute, the buzz of the static electricity on the screen and the current gives me a headache. I can tell when the roommates turned the cable box off and not the TV because of that sound, too.

Because of all the heat and the time I'm spending outside(It's been 95 - 100 degrees farenheit all this week) my body's been sweating out more liquid than I can replenish it with, so on top of starving, I'm getting more dehydrated as time goes on.

To be honest, I'm actually doing better now than I was before, because now I'm eating at least ONE thing every day. Before, I'd just completely skip days.

The only real problem I have now is liquid consumption. I ran out of water bottles, so expecting to use more glasses of water, I bought plastic cups. But when I tried to drink from them, they tasted like - you guessed it - plastic. I choked and I gagged. I can't deal with plastic tasting/smelling anything. I only have 4 actual glasses. I don't know why I haven't used them for water, honestly. If I'd get off my a** and drink water instead of dehydrating myself on top of all this, I'd probably be doing a lot better. But the only liquids I've been having lately are milk and beer.

Time is blurring together for me. I know I went shopping with Kim last week, but for the life of me, I can't remember what day of the week we went, and it honestly felt like it was two days a go. So from now on if I say "a weke a go" or a few days a go or something, just assume I'm wrong. Because I thought Will and I had been together for three months-- it's been five. Will's my boyfriend, for those of you not familiar with my journal entries.

My eyes hurt a lot. They hurt all the time. I think it's because of the dehydration, or maybe the alcohol that is still desperately clinging in my system. I know it's not from staring at the computer screen-- because I haven't been doing that nearly as much as I usually do. I'm just reading a lot now.

My a** fat was the first thing to go. I can't sit without it hitting my bone. I always had the no a** problem, though. If anyone has any food suggestions where the fat goes straight to your a**, let me know, because I'd like to get some of that at some point.

One of my friends roommates is gay. Everybody calls him Junebug. He cooks. He mentioned one time about cooking me dinner if I ever wanted to. This was quite some time ago, before i ran into this whole money problem. I asked him if he was serious, because I'd take him up on it.
He said he was.

Ever since then, I've come over to his apartment a few times a week, trying to get a hold of him. My friends never answer their phones and when i go over there it always seems like he's never there.

Today, I was there at 8pm and waited until 11. Junebug shows up from work obviously annoyed, and the first thing I do was beg him for food. It was disturbing.
Keep in mind that nobody knows about my current situation right now.

I manage to get a hold of myself. He had a hard day, he can't cook, blahblah, homework, some talking, I understand, I'll come back later, blahblah, get invited to drink with him over the weekend.

Then I crack. "I don't know if I can come and drink with you guys."
"Why not?"

"The way I'm eating now... You'd either HAVE to cook me something so I didn't pass out or get some kind of poisoning, or I just can't drink at all right now." Blahblah, rationing food, blahblah, he feels sorry for me.

I just kind of left ASAP after that. I don't think I have the guts to tell him not to tell anyone else about my situation. But I just hope he understands that's not the thing you go spreading around.

I mean, I HAVE money. And this is all my fault. And if it got out I was starving myself for a ******** computer -- come on, how stupid is that? Plus, all that I'd hear from my parents is this is JUST what they expected from me. JUST what they were worried about - me not eating because I'm "lazy.".
Which is true. If it weren't for my laziness, I'd probably have a job and not deal with this situation.

Not deal with my carpal tunnel suddenly flairing up so I have to wear braces everywhere. Not deal with the public humiliation of my books getting heavier and heavier, me not being able to carry a ten pound box of a computer s**t by myself.

Yes. It's my fault.

I can't help it if I'm scared.