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I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me.

So, Saturday came. Rennfest was fun. I bought throwing daggers, and something that looks like a demonbow but smaller for your hand to grip. I dunno what it's called but it's freakin' cool. Decent quality too, for ten bucks.

Afterward, Will had Sunday off so I got drunk as planned. And I was SO plastered. Room spun and I couldsn't sit up straight or still, I had to hold onto something to do anything.

Will was actually kind of cruel; we went upstairs and he started getting me to take off my clothes. I didn't want to but didn't really voice anything until one point. I don't really remember what I said but he said "This whole week you said this was what you wanted. You said you wanted to do this when you were drunk." And I was like.. That's Right.. That's right..
So it was ore like sympathy physical love. But it didn't really work out since I was, well. PLASTERED. Ended up me just kinda laying there and him doing everything. I did manage to give him some MASSIVE hickey that I didn't remember doing, or even see until today.

Anyway, all the sudden, one thing led to another and he was trying to ******** me. It went in once, but after that he couldn't get it. After a while, I went to the bathroom and yelled out something like "You know, YOU SAID you wouldn't do THIS!"(No control over my voice)
He goes "Oh s**t, that's right. that's right."

Then his phone rings. His mom tells him his granddad's dying. Will has to leave right away. But he waits 30 minutes. I start crying and trying to reassure him so he doesn't freak out, and say I love him and that I'm jealous of how close his family is and how I hope him Grandfather's all right.

He leaves, me stil sloshed, and I try and go to bed. Some hours later he calls me and says that he's about halfway there and it was explained that his grandfather fell off a ladder, broke some bone, and he's going to have surgery now.

Long story short, he came back monday night because his grandfather was fine, and I was being grumpy the days in between because he was gone and we had planned so much crap together.

Yesterday, monday, he comes over and he's going to sleep over so he can go to work easier(I live ten minutes away while he lives 30). I planned for NOTHING to happen.

We were on the couch talking and it was clear he was sexually frustrated like a bull in a pen looking at a herd of cows in heat.
We took a walk, and then stargazed for a while, then went back to my house.
We then went to bed together. It started that he just took his shirt off, then he was down to just his boxers.
Then I can't remember what happened, but he got really hard and I was just like "******** it, I'll just ******** it"(In my mind).
So we both end up completely naked on my futon and we have sex three times.

First time(as with when I was drunk) hurt. So I just sat for about five minutes waiting to expand and take it. It works out, and we're like that for about 30 minutes, him doing stuff to me and me not really knowing what to do in return(We're talking me losing my virginity, here).

We stop for a while, then we try doggy style. He likes that but I don't.
Stop for a while, try and do it where we're facing eachother side by side, but it won't go in all the way. We stop for about an hour until I get wet again, and then it's all me.

Nothing greater than sympathy sex, apparently.

So I'm ontop of him, holding myself up kind of like I'm doing a pushup, and have his head rubbing against my cervix for a while until it just slips in. Then I just kind of alter my movements a bit and he looks like he's going to pass out from how good it is.
He wouldn't shut up about how good it felt, either.

We were like that for about an hour, and then I got really dry and decided to call it a day (or night. Or morning. Or something. It was like 4am).

Then we just went to sleep. I made him put some clothes on and I followed suit, but after that we just slept, minding our own business so he could go to work at 7:30 today.

Through all that, only the first two times(drunken and then sober first time) hurt. And that was just because I was a little small/tight.

After that it was perfectly fine, and there were times when I couldn't feel him in me 'cause I guess I had gotten used to it that fast.

But, there wasn't any pleasure. There wasn't even really any discomfort. It was just. It felt like a sausage in me. That was it.
No comfortable "this is right" feeling, no "OMG this is awesome". Hell, there wasn't even a "hey, wait a second. I said I wouldn't have sex with this guy."

It was a pure vat of NOTHING.
This is stupid.

Now we're officially, legitly, back to the two damn bullet points.
a.) Something's very wrong.
b.) I'm asexual.

He says there's a huge chance there's just something wrong and it's not that I'm asexual.
I say I'd rather be asexual than have something wrong.

Then, as I woke up to write this entry. It came to me:
Maybe I'm just Gay. Well, in the physical sex sense(if that's possible?)

I mean, when I look at women, it's like. Bang. Horny. Groping a woman? Horny.
Doing a man? Takes far more work.

Maybe it's my mental mindset. One of my good friends said I was a gay man inside a woman's body. It kind of makes sense, since I'm so into the gay man stuff and that gets me horny superquick, but then... It could just be because it's fantasy, like how men get it up to lesbian porn.

But then, there's the whole, I'm submissive with will and dominant with women.
But also, I was the one on top last night for the best part of the sex? But then a ******** I had online while I was into cybering said I was interesting in that I acted submissive while on top.

I am so much way more confused than before, now I just can't live with myself if I'm gay. I mean. I'm pansexual. I like transpeople. I like men. I like women. I like them ******** ALL.

If I'm gay it's like. God's laughing at me and then ******** me in the a** at how ironically hypocritic this is all turning out to be.

Misery love Me