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I'm not sure how things will begin, how things will end. I feel like I want to be closer to the end... I wanna see it... but usually most things are left for the indebted stature of what my feelings are.
My name's Gwen, like that Total Drama Island Character,or whichever my friends would relate it too. I love to draw... I find it my only escape from my own world - and when people make fun of me - it's like...I don't wanna bother. I feel these violent urges in my body.in which I want to cause physical harm to them. It makes me feel like I want to explode like a fat guy shitting in a toilet. Or a girl orgasming (heh.)
But in truth - I never want to complain about my life. To complain is like some horrible thing I fear in most. To complain about my life - it may not be perfect but I'm better off then some people in this world. "I have no right to complain...it's not worth my own words - you shall suffer on your own consequences and try not to bid out of it."
My parents kept telling me how to dress and how to act and how to walk and talk. It's as if I'm meant to be something substantial. I don't feel this way. I feel like something should be done about me - and I feel like someone should stop telling me I have issues. There are more things to worry about then that ugly girl you pick on. Or the people you misunderstand. To look at the smallest objects and see some kind of feeling or connection in it.
I'm not a ******** hippie peace wanting being - just in case you get any ideas. I live in a city where when you flip on the news - there is nothing but meth labs,rapists, sick minded people. There is no escape from looking at that. It makes me not want to trust people. But I feel like I want to trust people.
Those people who outwardly talk about being raped. It makes me sick. They got fat, they committed suicide, they had children by a stranger...or someone they held dear that had hurt them so much. It's also deranged how some people will want this. It's not sick but a nature of mind. How some people think it's a feeling of being wanted by a stranger...
It sounds demeaning but... it's real. Most of my friends scream "RAPE !"....I can't help but play along - but deep inside it feels horrible... Rape I'm guessing isn't about getting laid without your own will - but I guess it's because you lost some dignity inside of you. I know, I know - this became a Rape Blog... but no it isn't - it's how I feel right now. I feel like I can't complain and I keep it inside. Outside I'm the loudest most smiling person - but deep inside I feel so damn lonely and unaccepted. But what am I supposed to feel ?....