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This is not the story of purple, but I just want to put it somewhere. My semi-full story. It's depressing, no doubt. Bah.
I know that my about me was pretty explanatory enough, but I felt the need/urge to give you guys some of my story throughout my 18 years of life. I guess I'll begin. Haha.
I was born in Falls Church Virginia and lived in Alexandria Virginia until about the age of three. Due to the high expense of things and me and my brother being babies, my parents could barely make enough to make ends meat. My grandfather suggested we move to Texas because it's cheaper down south than in the north. My parents didn't want to, but thought it would be for the best and moved here in about 1998 I believe.
We lived in some really bad apartments in a very bad neighborhood. Without going into too much detail, it was a very bad experience that would change my life forever.
When I was in fifth grade, my first symptom of Bipolar or maybe Multiple Personality disorder arose. My teacher made me angry because she took away my English homework that I was doing during her class. My way of venting was drawing a picture of her being killed by the grim reaper. She saw it and called my father and the principal. They knew that something was very wrong because I had never done anything of the sort like that before. I was a good kid, good grades, good behavior, etc. They ended up just giving me a warning and sending me home for the day to calm down.
My vice principal was very mean, he used to be a drill sergeant in the army and every little thing I did, he would yell and send me to detention, causing me to be even more afraid of men and doing something wrong. I'd become very quiet and frail. Then my brother began struggling in middle school, he dropped out due to fights every day and my parents gave me the decision to wait until next year to move to a different school or to go to the same school my brother was going to. I decided to leave behind the bad memories in hope of finding a new happiness. I was in for a dissatisfying truth.
When I moved to a new area and school district, I became the new girl. I always wondered what it had felt like, so I was excited. At first, people were nice to me, but when I befriended the most despised person in school, that changed. They turned me against my first friend and made me into a bully. It took me almost being written up to see the error of my ways. I broke down crying, begging for my friend to forgive me. Happily, she forgave me and we stood up for one another together. That's when things began to take a turn for the worse.
I was bullied every day. By girls, boys, and even teachers. I was very busty for my age, surpassing more than half of the teachers there. I went through countless hours of people telling me "you stuff your bra" or "you had plastic surgery". People wrote things about me in the bathroom stalls, they tripped me down the stairs, and even put gum in my hair. My hair is one thing that I cherish so that made me angry. Very angry, but I suppressed the feeling.
I survived, until I got to middle school and the torment worsened. People threw things at me. Either rocks, pencils, erasers, you name it. I remember during lunch one day, my best friend and I were sitting at a table and the "football crew" decided to sit across from us. They'd talk crap about my friend and I snapped. I threw food and milk all over them and told them to shut the ******** up and leave us alone. They got mad, obviously. From that moment forward, one of the football jocks would bully me in my English class every day, calling me names of all sorts. I was beginning to realize that I was getting even more and more depressed as the time progressed. My best friend saw all this happening and she did whatever she could but she wasn't always there.
Yet again, I snapped and told the boy to go to hell and leave me alone. Waiting for some sort of gratification to seek over my being, only to be threatened to be sent to the principal and get In school suspension. Then, out of nowhere, my best friend stood up for me. She told the teacher that if she sent me out, that she'd have to send her too. I had never been so happy to have such great of a friend as I was that day. The boy left me alone for awhile.
Then came highschool, my first year of highschool was the hardest. I was bullied in art class by two hispanic girls, they would take it personally and insult me and threaten me in Spanish. I was studying Japanese at the time so I then decided to fight fire with fire and comeback at them in Japanese. That angered them more. My parents eventually got involved in the issue, and when they get involved, things get done. Then in the second semester of my Freshmen year, a bombshell dropped.
My brother's best friend, who was basically another brother to us, was molesting my younger brother for years. We found out because he molested my little brother's friend and his friend said something. At first, I denied it, I couldn't believe it. It was a pain that I couldn't explain to anyone. Then it began to make sense when I would think that every time he would wake me up, I'd catch him 'touching' my breasts. I'd just shrug it off like he didn't know he was. I feel guilty about it every day.
Then comes my Sophomore year, the year I lost my virginity to my best friend, only to be broken apart in ways I didn't know were possible. He and I had been friends for three years, we met through a mutual friend. I was dating someone when he and I met, but we always had feelings for one another. I left the guy I was dating for 3 years long distance to be with "Red". I loved him with all of my heart and believed he did the same. I gave him my virginity to let him know that I wanted him and only him. He refused to wear a condom and I ended up pregnant. He then refused that I was pregnant after all the signs and proof I had. Two months later, I miscarried, giving me the biggest blow to my heart. Then a couple weeks later, "Red" left me. Another blow.
While picking up the pieces, I realized that I was infatuated with another one of my friends, one that I'd been friends with just as long as "Red". He helped me pick up all the pieces of my broken heart. When he graduated Highschool and I was a Junior, he and I began to date. I grew to love all the little things he did, all the cute little quirks he had. I loved all the things he used to be.
Throughout the past two years, "Blue" and I dated on and off. He and I broke up but when his father passed away, we reconnected. Then his mother passed away and I was there for him 100%. I gave him all I could, including myself. I loved him as much as I could, because I wanted him to know that he was loved and he always will be loved. He broke up with me. I stayed single after that time and got my Highschool diploma and a job. I was happy. That's when "Red" made his way back onto the scene.
He promised me that he had changed, and that he had missed me. It took him a long time for me to be convinced, he is one person that I had told myself I would never forgive for what he did, but the little part of my heart that still loved him swayed my mind and made me give him another chance. He and I met up twice, and we got a hotel room together while I told my parents that I was at work but had someone covering my shift so that I could go to work and get picked up by "Red" and have him drive me home at the end of my shift.
"Red" proposed that I move to Washington with him, he was in the air force and he said he wanted me to be with him. I agreed. I told my parents and they were against it, they said that he was bullshitting me again only to get in my pants, etc. They came out with a compromise. If he and I were to be serious for a year, they would let me go. It didn't even last a month.
"Red" called me and told me it was over because his parents hated me. They hated me for what I believed in, or what I didn't believe in. His father called me a whore. And with that, "Red" went on with his life, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my newly repaired, now broken heart.
"Blue" came back into the scene as a joke. My friend and I were hanging out and I was on her phone and saw his contact. I decided to ******** around with him, trying to get a rise out of him only to feel the same feelings that I harbored for him for years. After a month of talking again, I told him that I still loved him. I began sneaking out of my window to see him during the night.
Late nights at the park were beautiful and reminded me of why I loved "Blue". He was the most amazing guy in my eyes, I loved him. I truly loved him. Three weeks before my 18th birthday, I left home to move in with "Blue" and his friends at an apartment 15 minutes away from my parents. They were outraged and heartbroken.
I hated doing that to my family, but I felt that I needed my own space and thought it was for the best. I was in for the biggest piece of Karma for betraying the people that truly loved and cared for me.
Living with "Blue" and his three guy friends, I found myself spending all of the money in my bank account feeding them, cleaning their apartment, and on material things they all wanted. "Blue" made me quit my job when my hours began getting cut, he said that it wasn't worth it anymore and that he wouldn't take me to work anymore. I then had a bipolar fit and told him he didn't love me, and that's when things began to turn. He became aggressive. I went to my god mother's house for a couple days so he could calm down and I could get my mind on back straight.
I went back and things began to worsen. His friends would always be mean and nasty to me. Telling me that they shouldn't have to ask me to clean, because it's my job since I'm a woman and I don't do anything else apparently even though I was paying for Electricity and Internet. I told them off and "Blue" took their side, leaving me in the dust yet again.
He became distant and was always out with his friends and wouldn't text me to let me know what was going on so I called him and told him we needed to talk. He came home angry at me and we talked and he put me down and his friends kept trying to put their two cents in. Due to all the stress I was going through, I passed out. I collapsed. I can barely remember anything. All I can remember is people saying that I was faking or that they should put me outside to see if I'm faking.
I regained consciousness after about 8 minutes. Later that night, "Blue" and I decided that I should go to my god mother's for a little while to calm down. I packed a few clothes and he took me there. At my god mother's, his friends were poking fun at me yet again through "Blue's" facebook. Talking about another girl. That angered me and made me extremely depressed, I couldn't believe that "Blue" was cheating on me.
I texted him and told him that I needed to see him and that it was important. When I saw him, I explained how I felt and everything. I told him that I couldn't live with his friends anymore. I needed him to pack up my things. He didn't know why I was taking it too seriously he says, they're just joking around. I told him I don't find their humor, humorous.
When I moved out, "Blue" and I drifted apart. He wouldn't call, he wouldn't text, he wouldn't even see me even if I told him that I needed him, he wouldn't see me. Then his phone was turned off, so he had an "excuse". But as soon as his phone was turned on, he called me.
I was happy to hear from him considering I hadn't in about a week. Then I knew that something was wrong when he was apologizing. I asked why, and he said you know why. You can't see me? I thought and then I knew it. You're breaking up with me? Yet another blow to the stomach.
I took back everything I gave him besides the part of myself that I could never get back, even if I tried. I tried not to cry, but I hated what I put myself through. I gave up my health insurance, my job, a shelter, because I wanted to be with him, and love him with all I could but his friends were against it. There was nothing I could do, and I hated the feeling.
And now, here I am trying to answer this question... Who is Miyaka Hana? Sometimes, I don't even know but then, that little spark inside my heart will speak up and say,
Miyaka Hana is someone who has gone through stuff and has suffered many kinds of emotional pain. Miyaka Hana may not be the typical girly girl who wants to be pampered day and night and wants to party. Miyaka Hana is a broken girl trying to piece things back together. That's all she is. Someone trying to get her life back to what it used to be, or to be somewhat tolerable.
Miyaka Hana is a Beautiful Red March Flower. She will bloom one day, and she will see herself as the beautiful that everyone else sees. She will stand as tall as she can with her head up high knowing that she can and will survive through all of her trials and tribulations. She may want to give up but there are people who keep her going strong, and if it weren't for those people then she couldn't be who she is.
That is Miyaka Hana.
 Miyaka Hana · Sun Jun 17, 2012 @ 02:31pm · 0 Comments |
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