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That maybe I shouldn't think so much. All that keeps happening are bad thoughts. It's a bit ridiculous how my day can be great, go well, not a single problem then something small comes along and upsets me. Rather insignificant but regardless it bothers me no less. Leaving it to myself I will not speak to anyone about it because I fear of their reaction and how their emotions will change.

Sure normally I'm pretty confrontational but in truth that's what got me partly into this bind that I'm in. So I'm supposed to sit back and let things roll and figure them out in my head while it all plays out. Just kind of go with it like I've been told before. It just gets a little difficult when you're the butt of the joke.

Of course in this case that's not meant literally however it would be rather hard to explain. Truth of the matter is that I'm only posting this in my journal because it's just as safe as posting it in my phones diary. On gaia I have no real friends that will even take the time to read this, in real life I sort of don't either.

Then again only the bad parts of my real life seem to mesh with my online life. Every good aspect of my life in reality is just pushed aside and made into the belief that it doesn't exist.

What can you do though? That's life.

So I am trying to push forward and figure things out for myself. I know what I really really want, and I will fight for that.....like I have been for almost a year, but time really doesn't matter in a situation like the one I'm in.

It's sad. I know a homeless guy that reminds me of myself if things go a certain way, hell that will be me in some years. Hung up over a mistake I made somewhere down the road. Then again I might not be giving myself much credit. I doubt I'd be as strung out on the whole thing as he is. I would hope I would retain some sense of mind.

Regardless I don't even remember where I was going with this. Oh well. Kind of got my venting out that I needed to. For now at least.

Good night gaia.