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life is ridiculously hilarious the way it gives you exactly what your looking for then once you finally feel comfortable with having it, its gone, then after you finally had given up, after you thought that not having it really wasnt so bad, your searching again, thinking about how it felt to hold it and ave it in your life. thats life though, the sky never really clears, the clouds are just floating around somewhere else giving you only a teprary sunshine.

there are times when the sun feels so close, you feel like reaching up, then once youve extended your arm as far as you can reach nothing fills your grasp. you bring your hand back down and its unbarebly empty, nothing to satisfy your longing tht something warm, bright and full would be waiting in the palm. its like a lure to a fish that will come close but never bite

writing is a comfort food for expression, but it doesnt take away the pain that others inflict on your heart and soul, you can think back to how she said always, forever, no mater what, then once shes gone, you realize that no matter how good you are to a woman you never know if she'll stab you in the back, maybe on the third run through, i can finally and actually die with these feelings ive been longing to kill for as long as ive lived.

yes i wish for death, when i was younger i used to pray for it all the time, id pray for god to take my life, id pray to be shot, id pray to be run over, id pray for some low life thug to end it on the street, i dont fear death, if i was taken or kidnapped tomaro and the culprits put a gun to my head id beg for them to pull the trigger, there are only 2 ways i dont want to die, i dont wantt to have to kill my self, and i dont want to die in my sleep, knowing what killed me is a kind of closure if you ask me, itd suck to die by unknown causes, tho im not really sure how that happens unless ur asleep.

this journal is full of my desires, and my thoughts, and current feelings, they come one after another, chaotic to any one who probably reads this, but thats me, i never thought rationally, why, if i had to come up with an excuse its because im insane, or i could just say, this is how god made me, though ive decided to no longer believe or deny the existance of god, if he does exist hes abandoned me many many times, given me every false desire i could imagine, my friends bring up good points about why he shouldnt exist, and those who believe are so upsessed, they practically abandon the life they should be acknowledging, to me, religion seems more like a brainwashing than a worship or culture.

rage dump on god, you teach that we should put you before our loved ones? yea not doing that ever, i ran the idea by several strangers, friends, relatives and guess what, they all looked at me like i was crazy and agreed theyd never do that, you let people suffer in poverty, send a prophet much? dear god, disease, war and poverty are abundent in the world, have you abandoned us because all i see is obama making it worse.

i wonder what itd be like to be sucked up into a hurricane, oh wait, i guess im already at the center, and looking around, things arent to pretty


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