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Medicine
I met with my psychiatrist today and I told him all the symptoms we hadn't covered so far including my negative symptoms and my phases. I forgot to mention that sometimes I smile when I shouldn't but that happens more than usual when I'm talking to him so he probably would have mentioned it if it was a big deal. He said he thinks I have OCD and major depression with some features of schizotypal personality disorder and OCPD. When he said OCPD I wanted to be very clear that the obsession and preoccupation with rules and morals and stuff was egodystonic, and he said he understood that and it can be on top of your real personality and still be a personality disorder. At first I was tempted to get a second opinion, and I brought up schizoaffective disorder, and he said he didn't think I had it because that's if the psychotic symptoms are the predominant thing, and if that's the case I agree with him because my delusions are actually one of the easiest of my symptoms to fight (once I admitted to myself that it wasn't special the delusions of grandeur started to subside but even though I know the controlling and stuff isn't desirable to me it doesn't go away.) He prescribed a new medicine called sertraline and if it works the way he wants it to it sounds like it should take care of all my symptoms. He's starting me off on half pills because the fluoxetine is still in my system, but in a week I can take full pills and hopefully I'll feel better after that. The first thing I do after I feel good about my treatment isn't going to be to look for a job, it's going to be to talk to Ducky because I really miss her but I want to be myself the next time I see her and I want to treat her the way the real me would and show her the appreciation she deserves from me. I don't want to get a job here until I talk to Ducky because if she takes me back and lets me get a job closer to her I would be happy. I could sell my computer and get an apartment, and I don't have to be in La Crosse to get a job. I have been missing Ducky a lot lately and part of it is inevitably the obsession but I've been obsessed with girls before (I know, creepy) but I think I'm in love with Ducky and obsessed with her and I know the obsession and stuff can hurt her and prevent us from connecting even though I do love her, which is why I want to wait till I'm treated to see her again.
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