My mom is gone for a week. It's kind of funny but when she's gone, I feel even more vulnerable. I tend to use the chalk more and clean all the time. When she's gone I also take over all of her responsibilities so I have to cook for the family, buy groceries, clean, take care of the cats, and water all her plants. It doesn't seem like much but it does take a long time to get through everything.
I took to going through the stuff in my room again instead of going out and expressing myself. I needed to clean the house so.. I dunno, I kinda gave up. I looked up art last night so that I might be inspired but the more I think about it, I more I would want it to be something from my own head rather than off something else. How can it be my Promise Jar if it's not "me"?
Then that all got me thinking, what is MY art style? Separate from everything else, what is MY style? Could I take other characters and draw them in MY style? I don't know what MY style would look like. What does that even mean "MY style"? It always changes so I don't know what to identify with. It's kinda the same thing with my actual self.... cause if I'm always changing, even at the core, how am I supposed to describe myself accurately? How can I get a clear picture of who I am? Is it even possible... other people seem to walk around so calmly... I want to scratch off my skin and learn what is underneath. I want to know if I am the same. How can I know without doing something about it? How can I trust the machines and other people? How do I know they aren't just telling me I'm like everyone else so that I would calm down? Hmmm?! How do I know?
That's just it, I don't know. I know next to nothing. I'm still learning. I'm still breathing. I'm still living.
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Fragmented Self who wanders through life like a dreamer and wades through the river of dreams as though it were the only truth left in this world
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