Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

To feel these feelings, like I do. And I blame you.


Well, yesterday I took Will out to a lunch/snack/thing, forcing him to try Alligator meat. It was fun. :B

Originally, the plan was to say during the date what I have been saying in my journal the whole time. I was going to talk about the relationship, I was going to say I don't love you.

When I made the date, we were on AIM.

It went something like:

Me: And I'm going to take yout o AJ's.
Me: Make you taste Alligator.
Me: And talk about
Me: the relationship -sting-
Him: What was that last part? I accidentally closed the window somehow because of Wow. X|
Me: ... I said i was going to take you to AJ's for alligator meat. That was all.

We went to AJ's, and I was getting myself prepared to unload this huge nolove thing, and when we got there..

"You said you wanted to talk about something."

Me: "Uhh... Nevermind. I think I'll just wait a while longer."

Him: "You sure?"

Me: "Yeah. It's not like it's going to kill me if I don't say anything. I'll come out eventually."


Thank you, nervousness. Thank you shyness. Thank you cowardice.

I never thought I would see myself thanking those qualities of myself.

This relationship is the best thing that has happened to me. Ever.

On Saturday, I ran over to his place and took a shower there, and then did a college scholarship essay thing. And then we hung out and watched some Clone High episodes. And ate dinner with his friends.

I had never EVER gone somewhere without telling my parents where I was, I have NEVER taken a shower someplace other than my house (even hotels), and the best part was that.. Nothing happened.

No sex, no kissing, no nothing. I can't imagine how hard it must be to not take advantage of a situation like that.

Yesterday, was AJ's, and awkward filler conversations, and hanging around the mall, and making Will try Dippin Dots (best icecream ever) until "She's the Man" started at the theater. Originally the plan was to see Vandetta, but I wanted to not wait around for another 30 minutes, so we say She's the Man instead.

And I gotta tell you. That movie was ********' HILARIOUS.
And 90% of the jokes didn't even have anything to do with the crossdressing. It just had to do with how weird boarding school people are.

There was hardly any serious stuff in that movie. Hardly any. Which was awesome. :B

After the movie we went to Will's place, and I was really disgruntled.
He went to his room and played WoW.

The whole time I was thinking why he would be so rude. I had never invited him to my place and done Gaia while he had nothing to do.

Three hours later...
I made dinner.

I figured, this was my fault. I gotta always blame me of course. Will was doing all this stuff for me, I wasn't do anything for him. I mean. The sexual tension he probably goes through hanging out with me must be really extreme.

So I made dinner. I had to ask his roommates how to do it. XD
Will knows I can't cook worth a s**t.

It was only microwavable soup, but he knew what that meant. He knew it took a great deal of courage for me to do. XD
He knows I can't make a sandwich. X|

So we had Soup, and he was still playing WoW. Before dinner, I was just sleeping, hoping to god he'd stop sometime soon.

After Dinner, I had a little more energy, so I sat on the couch and watched TV with his roommates.
Another hour passed and he either really did get disconnected from WoW, or he got the message that he was being a rudeass and shut down to hang out with me.

Regardless of which one it was, we laid down on the couch together and just cuddled the whole time while watching Wife Swap.

I was behind him, then I had to go to the bathroom sometime later, and he got behind me. Harhar, yeah we switch who's dom/sub. XP

Anyway, we played with eachother's hair and did all that.. Nonsexual romantic j**z(har, wordplay).

He had to work at 7am today and I had to be home by 11pm, so we left at 10:30pm, so he could drop me off.
We didn't want to mov, though. X|

In the car on the way home, I said "Hey, how about an awkward conversation?"
And he said "Go for it."

You guys should know how random I am on the internet, right? Well. I'm even more random irl, and I'm really insanely honest. Will and I have known eachother for like, two weeks, maybe.
And he's come to accept that fact. And I think he likes it. XD

Anyway.

"During that lying down thing.. Were you horny?"

- "Oh yeah. I had an erection most of the time."

"... Me too."

(massive laughter from him ensues.)

- "Yeah, I'll definately have to masturbate tonight."

"Uh.. Sorry...?"

- "No, it's fine." (more laughing)

Only two people as messed up as us could enjoy a conversation like that. X|

I don't love Will. But I can say that now I know what a "normal" relationship feels like. And what "normal" people view love to be.

And now I see why they always wonder what real, true love is.

And I have to say.. It's because anything based on ANYTHING physical isn't going to get you true love. And not many people are going to be able to do that(without physical contact).

But, I will say this.

You pyshical people aren't missing out on all that much. In truth, I think I prefer your version of love more.