I feel horrible. It's as plain as that. Yes, he said he wasn't offended. Yes, he said he didn't take it as an insult. But I feel like a jerk. It wasn't fair for me to put him in such a position. My crazy high expectations and need for perfection held my tongue. It wasn't his cutting in. I appreciate what he did. I'm not angry at him. I'm angry at myself. I wish I was more articulate. I wish I could speak my mind. I can, but it's so hard. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I don't know how I'm going to do this in two weeks. As he said, I just need to go with the flow. I need to cease worrying and trust myself. My voice deserves to be heard. Just like everyone else. It's just the fear that stops me. The fear that others won't appreciate what I have to say. The fear that they'll think I'm stupid or just plain wrong. The fear that dwells in my heart. The fear, like confining chains, that keeps me from simply being me.
"With my soul I am free,
my journeys a constant dream
that ends in the ocean but starts in the stream.
My soul, it so longs to be."
Those lyrics really speak to me right now. They're from the song "Ends In the Ocean" by Avalanche City. It's like a testament to my longing to speak my mind. My longing to be heard. I don't want to be trapped in this cage of fear, mistrust, regret, sadness, and shyness. I want to be free, for freedom is domination! Suffice to say, I wanted to say farewell. Farewell to the fear. I will do my best. My best is enough. Goodbye, confining chains! So long to captivity for me!
 Butterzworth · Fri Mar 25, 2011 @ 12:34am · 0 Comments |
