aѕ aвove, ѕo вelow
nerf. so i've been thinking. i've been thinking a lot. and listening to the same goddamn song (Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day) over and over again only furthers the thinking. what is it exactly that i'm going to do with my life, my meager existence on this retched planet? im less the 6 months from being 18. not only am i scared like hell but i really have no clue what i want to do. i've come to accept that me, as one person, will most likely accomplish nothing (as i've already done) in the future. but today for some unfathomable reason i want change. well i can just about pin point why all of the sudden want change, not just for my self but the world. in this class i''m taking, the history of the 60's its called, were just now getting in to the SDS. wile most of the stuff they did was very ******** up it had a valid point behind it. world peace that's it. i would like to do something i'm thinking. not like bombing a building or staging a riot like an eejit. but then i come back around to me, the pasifistic optimistic realist. my whole life has been "do it half assed and get it over with" for the most part... i've never really tried my hardest at anything. except maybe art. but thanks to a recent teacher not giving us any free will what so ever in our projects ive lost that spark too. i used to doodle all of the time and now i cant draw a tree to save my life. i honestly have nothing at this point to hold me to this place. friends sure but even at times i cant be around them for long. ally's pretty much the only one that i can stand for excess amount of time. we both think the same, which is VERY scary sometimes, and we have the same situation with family and money troubles. i get her she gets me. blahblahblah. i made a promise to myself a long time ago. i promised my self that i would get as far away from bloomington as fast as i could. I'm coming to realize that its just not that easy. i cant just grab a plane ticket and run. i need papers which cost money. and i need a ticket which cost more money. then i need even more money for housing and food like crap once i get over the pond. money. ally made a very good point the other day money is only worth what we make it worth. it has no real value at all. its not a cure all, it cant be there for when your boyfriend is being a ******** eejit and you need some one to talk to, it can not ensure that you will always be happy. no one can truly do that i guess. fleeting moments that mean nothing in the end, especially when they leave with out even a real goodbye. goodbyes are a real crock. most of the time they are meant in the "goodbye until tomorrow" since. but what about the goodbyes that are never seen again? those are the worst because the person receiving the goodbye has to live with the fact that that person will never be in their life again.
.... I'm rambling aren't i?
i guess this is what happens when i let my fingers do the talking...
nerf. so i've been thinking. i've been thinking a lot. and listening to the same goddamn song (Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day) over and over again only furthers the thinking. what is it exactly that i'm going to do with my life, my meager existence on this retched planet? im less the 6 months from being 18. not only am i scared like hell but i really have no clue what i want to do. i've come to accept that me, as one person, will most likely accomplish nothing (as i've already done) in the future. but today for some unfathomable reason i want change. well i can just about pin point why all of the sudden want change, not just for my self but the world. in this class i''m taking, the history of the 60's its called, were just now getting in to the SDS. wile most of the stuff they did was very ******** up it had a valid point behind it. world peace that's it. i would like to do something i'm thinking. not like bombing a building or staging a riot like an eejit. but then i come back around to me, the pasifistic optimistic realist. my whole life has been "do it half assed and get it over with" for the most part... i've never really tried my hardest at anything. except maybe art. but thanks to a recent teacher not giving us any free will what so ever in our projects ive lost that spark too. i used to doodle all of the time and now i cant draw a tree to save my life. i honestly have nothing at this point to hold me to this place. friends sure but even at times i cant be around them for long. ally's pretty much the only one that i can stand for excess amount of time. we both think the same, which is VERY scary sometimes, and we have the same situation with family and money troubles. i get her she gets me. blahblahblah. i made a promise to myself a long time ago. i promised my self that i would get as far away from bloomington as fast as i could. I'm coming to realize that its just not that easy. i cant just grab a plane ticket and run. i need papers which cost money. and i need a ticket which cost more money. then i need even more money for housing and food like crap once i get over the pond. money. ally made a very good point the other day money is only worth what we make it worth. it has no real value at all. its not a cure all, it cant be there for when your boyfriend is being a ******** eejit and you need some one to talk to, it can not ensure that you will always be happy. no one can truly do that i guess. fleeting moments that mean nothing in the end, especially when they leave with out even a real goodbye. goodbyes are a real crock. most of the time they are meant in the "goodbye until tomorrow" since. but what about the goodbyes that are never seen again? those are the worst because the person receiving the goodbye has to live with the fact that that person will never be in their life again.
.... I'm rambling aren't i?
i guess this is what happens when i let my fingers do the talking...
