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Wellp ya'll know this bout to be a long as rant that don't make any since. But her I go.

So I am just thinking about my mom again. After talking to my beautiful girlfriend and what she is going through with hr mom and family reminds me of mine. They all still believe my sexuality to be phase or I am trying to convince myself... I know who I am and if I feel it is necessary for people to know is no one's business.. I have felt many a times to just end it all because my family just didn't understand what I was going through, but as EVERYONE says can't choose your family. And it always seems to be family. They threaten to kick me out, do this and that, but I thought family would always be there for you. People look at me funny when I talk down about my mother, but if you knew/saw she has put me through you would understand why I am the way I am. I ain't gonna spill all of it here, but those who know me, KNOW what she done and dislike her to the up most. she is the one reason I wanted to end my life. She just made me so confused and made me feel little and like nothing. Her man means more even though he has dragged her down so far into the dirt that her kids are doin all they can to get away from the both of them..I tried so many a times.. Don get me wrong I am a full on mama's girl why it hurts to think she would choose, and she DID choose, her man over me. She was willing to kick me out EVERY weekend for him and have him move back in even if I was having panic attacks around him because he brings so much pain and suffering into my life and hers... She cries when he goes, steals, drinks, and does all this and drags my little sister and I in the middle of the night for him... What can I think of my mother? I envy those who still with their mothers of fathers.. I have finally givin up on her after 12 years of being her stool, her one person she'd tell everything to. The babysitter... The burden... She officially kicked me out my jr year the summer I was suppose to be a senior she dropped the rest of my stuff on me and after that denied my sexuality and made my aunt ground me to the house thinking I had sex with all my female friends like a whore... Isn't that nice? But do not feel sorry for me. I am not sad, I am angry. She was suppose to be my mother, but now she feels like nothing to me... My heart has become like a rock, she had broken it down more than anyone could. I used to love my mother unconditionally and now I laugh when she cries.. It hurts me how much she has pushed me away. Well I believe it is her lose. I was the one person she could REALLY come and talk to. I knew everything.. I lost a year of memory because I was so hurt, but I am getting back more and more because of my best friends Tawnie and Nahalen. They are my true friends and I am lucky to have them in my life <33. They are the ones I can cry to, talk to and they I. Wow who ever get this far is crazy... Heh.. Yes humor to this stupid story, this tale of a girl who has lost her mother to a man. But luckily that IS not the reason why I dislike guys. I know many a guys that I love. Like my father he gets me. Even if he knows nothing about me. He looks out for me. I love mi papi. Heh, but unfortunately I HATE his wife.. she put me down like crazy. Heh it is a wonder how I still love woman they been treatin me so wrong, but my wonderful girlfriend, she is amazing and soo legit. I love her. and I have so much love to give her. and hopefully her mother won't get TOO mad when she tells her about me. And if her mother tells me I can't talk to I will get my dad to give me money and I will fly up there to her house and confront her mom. I sure will... Heh unless Ayana tells me not to heh.. Might make it harder. *sighs* Ok I am soo done... Thank you for reading and caring to read... Now ya know the darker side of me...

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