Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I'm typing this because I type faster than I can write. Sometimes its just PAINFUL to talk to my mother because I want to tell her some of these thing and at the same time I don't want to. She kept tiring to tell me the computer is good in moderation. Bla bla bla she wanted me to clean was the bottom line.

What I wanted to tell her/yell/didn't want to admit to her was that I'm on the computer for human communication. I have no friends, I mean ones that live near me. My only friend that lives near me is my bffl Heather, and shes my brothers girlfriend now so, if shes over my bro hangs on/with her....so shes his gf first and my friend second when shes over my house. My Bffl Kimaya can't just com over on a moments notice and she was the only person to really understand me. Even her gf said to me "She said one time to me this is why I tell Deanna stuff" Meaning that she trust me absolutely, or at least more than most. Then my bro Daniel also tells me (when hes angry) that my bro Steven bitches about me behind my back. It just disheartens me, and makes me want to leave the house and do something...with what money? and where?

Also sure I got my friends Lauren and Krysia, but its just not the same. Plus both are more out going than I am. I mean after not being accepted into the army Laurens already making plans to move out of the state. So I have no one I enjoy talking to.

I'm just lonely....in every sense. No friends near me, plus seeing my bro and heather being so lovey dovey always kissing and s**t, it just makes it worse. It makes me wish I had someone to call, hug me, and do the same things with.

I think thats it really, I'm just lonely in a house filled with people. I love them all but mom guilt trips me about nearly everything, dads just an a*****e to the point I don't talk to him so I can't be yelled at for anything (MOST of the time), and my bros either b***h to me (Daniel) or about me (Steven). Diners ready, but I'm not hungry.... I don't wanna talk with them

The only redeeming thing is occasionally and by that I mean about 3 times in the last 4 or so months I heard Daniel say that hes proud of me being the first in the family going to college...even then if feel like its a little to late to be proud of me.