I really hate myself.. Why can't I just be happy with what I've got? I've got him physically, kinda emotionally, just not that needed title... I don't know what to do anymore. I guess it really hits you when you know it can't get much worse. I love him, I've been in love with him, and it tears me up inside knowing that he could be flirting with some girl right now, or through text when we're hanging out. Why am I so conscious of things that shouldn't concern me? Because I love him, I don't know if he knows, and he doesn't want me.. Just physically and to experiment with things with. That's all I'm good for. He won't even text me. He should know I'm so mad for him. It's pathetic.. I only have this on private cause it just might bug him. Although, I doubt he even reads or wants to read this anymore. He just texted telling me to 'let it out,' does this mean I can tell him I still love him dearly? I don't want to say something that will ruin whatever it is he and I are building at.. I'm scared, I want him to know something he should still know. And now I'm trying to prove a point that he says I'm not annoying, but I'll never truly know because I've learned guys say things like 'I wish she'd stop texting me, gosh I hate her.' Really equals 'I wish she'd text back faster..' :[ I hate this and my mind doesn't make anything easier on me. I almost cried in church today because I realized I am still in love with him and he isn't in love with me.. I thought I was weird, but I guess I'm just normal.. I mean really? I'm normal? You've known me for how long and you think I'm normal? What to you is weird? Being normal is bad because it isn't what he wants. Why am I so desperate to know what it is that makes him want a girl? Why do I keep writing something he'll never care enough to ask about... I'm gonna stop now. You know, I always wanted you to chase after me, make me feel wanted and that you didn't want me to go. But I guess it just doesn't matter right now. Maybe someday it will, but at the moment... Chasing after someone like me isn't worth it. And I don't want to hear you say how insecure I am and all s**t dissing me, what about you? I love you...
 Shy-Star · Sun May 30, 2010 @ 10:34pm · 0 Comments |
