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First off I'm writing this because I have to get it out. I dont expect a response I dont even think I really want anyone to see this, I just have to say it and I have to say it to someone.

I'm not who I appear to be, and at the same time I am exactly who you think I am.

I think about death.
It's about time I admit it
I think about it all the time
Don't get all high and mighty on me and tell me all the reasons I have to live
I know them
I'm not going to kill myself, but I dont like thinking about it day and night
There are a few people I can talk to that I dont think about it when I talk with them
I wish I could talk to them every moment of every day
I dont like being like this.
I dont know why I am like this.
I cant keep ignoring everything bad in my life, it's making me this.
This monster of sorts.
I'm not unhappy, but I'm far from happy
I'm nothing
I can feel but I dont think I can love
I can say I love my siblings but I dont know if its true
I think too much, I say way too much
I cant keep hiding this. It's changing me.
I don't get along with my parents, we coexist if even that
I would miss the things they provide for me not them if they were to go
That scares me, and at the same time they've earned it.
I am an only child, and one of many all at once,
I have a double identity in that aspect.
My father and mother had me, I was the only one they had.
She died
He remarried, I inherited an older sister and a younger one
My littlest brother and sister belong to the both of them
I belong to no one.
My father would disown me if it was convinet for him.
I feel alone a lot
I am alone.

At the same time I am me, I like ninja turtles still, I always will
I am a dork
I enjoy that
I have many friends and fit in well at school
I get good grades
I make jokes
I'm addicted to drinking coke
I can be very silly
I climb trees
I like being me
This is the me I am going to be
I am going to be who I want to be, not who I am

This journal started as a silly account of all the ridiculous things I could think of doing on gaia, it's too serious now, It's not me, I'm going to change that too.