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Hello Gaia... First I wanted to say that this is a VERY VERY LONG journal... but... i know it's boring... but I wanted to... "show" what I really bring with myself, behind this furry smile =/ .....
Well.... I can't complain much... my life isn't difficult, and I don't need to beg for food... but, I'd still like you to read. ( Yeah... I'm selfish by writing this and pray for someone to understand me ^^; please... try to... =( )

this journal was written in more than one day... I like to organize things... even though i'm not organized on real life...

Also, PLEASE, note that I get depressed occasionally, and it always go away... anything I was feeling is gone by the time I submitted this sweatdrop




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March 17th ~ 19th, 2010

Well gaia, I'm writing this on my cellphone to type it later on (yeah, don't ask... I really did it to type it in peace later on (now, btw))
Well... where to start?
(I'd simply talk about what happened on a specific day, but I'll do something differend... Instead I'm gonna write a not-so-short story...)

.....Years ago, back on 5th grade at school, a friend of mine was chosen among all the others of the same age to take care of a monitor of the computer's room, by the most hated (and, btw, the best) teacher ever known on our school ^^; . Wow, that was amazing. He'd help the teachers and students on their classes, and, discovered that he's a guy who prefer to find new friends in the teacher's room than in the classrom or the canteen...
.....Well. He, along with 2 other students from 1st high school took a special course with other ppl of our region to learn how to teach ppl and teachers, and how to take care of a class without kipping any stipid children taht deserve it xd At the course, the most important thing learned was to never take responsability for anything, (yeah, strange, i know) like, fixing something, for example. If it's not extremely simple, even if you know what to do to fix it, you shouldn't ( this was the rule I ignored the most xD )
.....To be in charge of the computer's room, at least in theory, you'd have to be good dealing with computers... but... in practice... Only one of the monitors was good at it... stare ( guess who... =p )
At the end of the course, they started giving classes to the teachers, and even taking care of THEIR the students ( oops... not the function of a monitor, right? stare )

.....One year was gone and we were on 7th grade (the course took the end of 5th grade and we started at 6th grade, btw)Only our classroom was allowed to study in hte morning one year earlier ( at my school, we start studying in the morning at the 8th grade )
xd at that grade we started our movies XD
Mafia Russa I was the 1st one, created on another friend's birthday (David). We were going to make one of those police movies at first, then while we (the policemen) were talking to the camera, one of the dogs jumped at my friend and he screamed "It's the Mafia !!!"..... and after that we couldn't stop anymore ^^;
Russian Mafia I, II & III
A Crime, A Criminal and a Suspect
The Mission
The Time Travelers
The Day the World Fell Down
... and, of course, your "music shows" sweatdrop
.....God, that was the best year ever =) That year, me and David also started the "I can do a better game than you" ... Bartolomeu's Adventure was born this year, fighting with Setembrino's adventure for the "best rpg made for a maker of 7th grade" prize sweatdrop ( yup, totally nutz ^^; ... there were only me and David as Makers... in the whole school, I guess sweatdrop )

Oh... I said I'd write about Bartolomeu's adventure last journal didn't I ?............ confused .................. can I delay it till the next one? sweatdrop

Well, after this real wave of random cool things that happened in the 7th grade, things started to cool down... more and more every day... =/

On the 8th grade, one of my best friends left school to study on a (I can count the nunber of good friends I have on my hands, by the way... and that year, it was "3": Moisés, David and Murilo(the one who left)) (yeah, i have few friends, I know... what can I do? I'm that way ^^; ( I prefer to stabilish very strong friendship with few ppl than a weaker friendship with a million ppl ^^; )

Everything started to cool down.... Not that my life was affected directly by anything that happened there... I still kept my own good usual self... at least on the outside ^^;
I just wanted to remember tha good times, anyway...)



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March 20th, 2010

Hi Gaia... Hello again...

...... I've been wondering... what is it needed to achieve full happines, or at least peace?
... some prefer to joke life around, others throw themself at a never ending work... I, personally am the kind that ignores and laugh about everything... but I've been ignoring and laughing at almost half of my life... And I just LOVE to ignore some specific ppl... even (specially) my mother........... but I haven't been able to laught these days... =p

...... I guess everyone should have the right to be happy, and to do whatever they wanted in their lifes... but, how can this be possible if we are thought downward? We learn from an elder person, who teaches a newer one... it's always like that, no matter what others say. It's not a mutual learning... traditional ways of thinking are meant to be broken only after the ones who think that way die... other than that, there'll always be something opposing and suppressing anything new.

...... Of course that's not something that happens all the time, specially here in Brazil, where we have such a low rate of prejudice... what can I say? I'm an exception? I have some ideological prejudice, and guess it won't be taken away untill I die... ( though, it's not something lethal... ^^; ) (I wouldn't fight for defending any personal prejudice of mine, at least. I know they are stupid)

Preju·dice
noun, verb
noun[U, C] prejudice (against sb/sth) an unreasonable dislike of or preference for a person, group, custom, etc., especially when it is based on their race, religion, sex, etc.:

...... well... I'm going too far from my point... let me get to it again... rolleyes

...... The question I want to make is tipical: WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH PARENTS!? Or, at least, What's the problem with MY parents? They are awesome sometimes but, HOW can they be so ........ ( sorry... I'm shaking my fist here but... don't look.... )

Don't they know some people ( ME , for example ) need PEACE to do anything? I'm a depressed-born person already, why can't I be left alone for 5 Seconds! She can't let me away for 5 seconds!

I was the best student of my school... the WHOLE school
I now I'm not able to have 5 seconds of peace. I've lost completely the will to do anything. ( don't get impressed if I come here and say I tryed to commit suicide again =P It's not the first time...)

The great "why" i've learned to ignore so many thing, in fact, is that I've lost my life after high school... they say teenagers change when they get 14~19... The true thing is that parents get lobotomized by television... at least mine...

I NEVER CHANGED

I'VE ALWAYS kept thinking "positively" and smiling at life, even when nor my life nor my parents or even my friends smiled at me

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ok... random burst of rage... I'll get fresh air for a while and get back... =/ won't happen again... sorry for that...
-----------------------------------------------
kk... ~50 minutes passed... It's 11 pm here, and I'm back to my normal self, i guess... (television really is a miracle when it comes to changing your mood, isn't it?)

Well... the fact is that whenever I am, I'm never, never, never, never ever ever ( i could say it 50 times... ) alone.
When I try to sleep early out of my on, she's there not to let me do it.
If I try to read, she's there to make me talk to her and I can't read anymore
If I want to watch a specific program on tv, she appears out of nowhere and make me talk to her

Then she tells me to sleep early
to read books
to watch tv
maybe a film...

and when i need some one, she's not avaliable... she's tired...
when i want to talk, she's sad... my father and she have fought again... (though, it's almost his fault... and... well... do I really have a father? I see him only 10% of the time any notmal person see his father... noticed that i said "SEE" and not Talk... we never talk...)
I'm there to console her... to hear she crying...

Then, when I'M tired, and can't talk to her when SHE wants to, I'm the Evil guy. I'm the one who nobody want's to talk to, because "oh, he's too shy" ...
If I raise my voice just a little bit, no matter if I'm in fact angry, or if I just thought they hadn't heard what I've jsut said; I'm crucified. "Don't you see what your're doing to me?" she says. and starts crying again....
She cries to me when i do something wrong and when i don't...
she cries when she does something wrong...
now she cries... because she thiks she have.............................................................................................................


...

and we don't have money enough for treatment if it's true......

*sigh*




And what about my invisible father?
He blame me for anything, even when i haven't done it...
He blame me when he argue with my mother other for no reason...
EVEN IF HE BREAKS ANYTHING, HE BLAMES ME!

And when I do something very good, something that they expected me to do in a way, and I do even better... i hear of him in an angry voice a week after when he argues with me: "haven't done anything more than your obligation"

//// cesnsored //// {sorry... angry comments were deleted minutes after...... I... don't want to get banned... I love Gaia... I'll keep cursing to the minimum...}


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That's it... its how I feel about them...


And... what do I feel about myself?


hmph... I'm jsut a parasite..... just born to be a parasite...
I live out of dad's money... and mom's... health? life maybe?

I always wanted to do so many things... but my will has grown weak, and...... I'm not willing to fight for having it back...
I lived for helping the others... I lived part of my friend's lifes with them... most of them were sinical enough not to even say thank you...
Only my online friends never turned their back to me... i could count on them to talk and free my mind from the hell my life has become sometimes...

Ha... I even convinced an online friend not to commit sucide once at deviant art... now i'm on the same hole...
......
......
..........
..........
........
Her best friend wanted to commit suicide, she convinced her not to. Her lifed turned a hell, she wanted to commit suicide, I convinced her not to... then MY life turned an unberable hell, and I'm thinking... twice... tree times... every day...

... my life was already bocomming a hell before, but not at this speed...


and... NO... I won't commit suicide out of my on... I'm... coward to try it.......
....
if only I weren't...
.....
......
....

I'm being so.... hollow, am not I?
... hmm... depression seems to be fading for today...
i guess I'll...... yeah.... i'll stop it for today... =/

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Well... changing completely the subject... xd

Two days ago I xd entered my dream while it was in Debug mode again xd ( had a dream that I could consciently control ^^; )
I love to have conscient dreams, even though they last so few time with me... only about 10 seconds... confused
Though they can become a little... er... o/////o sweatdrop

.... well... I'm 18... don't blame me;;;;;


stare


I try not to make the dream... this way... when I do it fades much faster, and I don't like that...


....


God! Don't look me that way! surprised xd





xd Also, yesterday I had a dream with someone here of gaia xd ... hmph... guess who ^^; .... =^.^=
( though... was completely different than the real person if I really saw her photo, and wasn't fooled by internet's anonymity sweatdrop )
( I LOVE my online friends... but I know... it's not so good to blindly trust internet ppl no matter who they are... sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry crying crying don't get mad please crying I'd hate that and I already hate myself since I was born crying no more hate please crying )

HEY WAIT! NO! eek

NOT THAT KIND OF DREAM! o//////o
Crap!
Don't think wrong of me scream I'm not a perv gonk

....


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Well...

Talking about myself on the 3rd person was cool... even kidding i had multiple personalities sometimes... neutral
but when you end up... believing it... sweatdrop
=/

(God... I'm random... xd )


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March 22nd, 2010

HA! xd Today our president's comming to my city ! xd xd
He'll have to deal with a lot of rain... it's been raining a lot for the last 7 days sweatdrop


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March 24th, 2010 (today, btw)

Hi Gaia... I miss you so much...
I bet I won't get my internet back to work anymore... I'm surounded my lazy ppl, even myself...
Only my mother prefers to die from doing everything herself again... =/

Well... today I'm gonna chack if I passed on a test held by the city hall for a temporary job of 1~2 years

Wish me luck... please =^.^=

Obs:... oops ^^; Good mood came back =^.^=