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....in 2000 my father raped and murdered a girl...i was only four years old when this happened...one day i remember the swat...fbi...and police came to the house...they took him away....i couldn't figure out why...i asked for him continuesly...till one day i just stopped.i didn't know any of this any of it all i remembered was they took him and i thought he abandonded me...i felt left behind...alone.....and at some point i just didn't give a ******** was 11 years old when i had a dream of him.....he was telling me "i didn't do it,i didn't"over and over again until i awoke frightened and alone.
i had faint fragile memories of him....very fue...but all good.....well most i should say.
i didnt think of him much...didn't want to worry...wonder....fonder....try to figure out if he loved me...cared and such.....never imaged this s**t could happen....never.
on feb. 26 my mother took me out of school early..i was in my third period class.i walked inot the office and she was walking out the pricibles office.
"mum?why were you...?"she looked at me and smiled a pain ridden smile
"i'm going to tel you something...thats going to change your life....baby"
i looked at her then at the soaken grass,it had been raining all day.my mother has never been the....emotional type...she never.....let anything bother her....she acted like she never cared....and to see my mother in this state....well it was.......terrifing
"about what mother?"
her eyes looked at me and said "when we get there Idalis"(my real name pronounsed: I-DAL-IS)
i simply nodded
we arrived at a place she use to take me...a park...abandoned...it was my hide out...my haven...my sacuairy....we called it "vee va la voom".
i sat under the willow tree the leaves shettering me.my mother said "now i know we don't talk about your father much,"i got bats in my stomach9i say bats never butterflies)....."and we have every right not to....but i something will happen..that...well"she handed me a news paper...and there i saw his picture...my fathers....chills ran down my spine as i read the head line:"EXACUTION DATE SET FOR TEENS KILLER"
my heart stoped.or well i couldnt feel it....that or anything...
i read the ardicle......raped and murdered....shot.....held hostage....exacution date...april 22........all of it.
my mother looked at me
"Idalis......are you"i nodded she looked at me
"okay"i said"okay"
"god only gives you as much as you can handdle,Idalis....you must be a very very strong powerful..girl to get this......"my mother said...she use to say that when something bad would happen to the family....
the rain poured down poured hard my mom spoke...i couldnt hear a thing....i coudlnt feel a thing....i just nodded and she got up and left all i could under satnd was "ill....back....time.....heal....understand..i love you...okay....bye"
i sat there with the news paper in hand and thought"s**t....."i laid now in a ball in the open wet green grass..i dont nknow if i was crying or if the rain was on my face i just laid there...i remeber hearing voises...to many to understand...none i knew....none i thought mattered
i remember zero...my friend picking me up....and spook asking if i was breathing..and emily crying...boogie....covering me.....then it all came back..i could hear...understand....but still couldn't feel....
"mew....baby...mew?are you okay?your mom called us...we looked everywhere for you baby!dark knew youde be here...."i looked around....spook held me...boogie emily...zero...dark....emmy....jinx...blake....damon....all of them...all my friends....well the ones ive know since i was way younger...all i new before i was 8....they were all here....
it was quiet..like they waited for me to speek...i couldnt find my voice..though i tried...i really did....dark looked at me and said"mew.....its....okay...none of this is your fault...its was all him.....itll all be okay...if only for a moment...i promise you it will"
i shook my head "no it wont...nothing okay....nothing has ver ******** been okay...nothing will be okay...nothing is ******** okay....im not some p***y for you to pitty im not a stupid kid i understand this s**t....your not going to try to blinde me...shelter me...you know...im.."jinx steped forward"your different and this is alot we can see that.....i know you dont care i know your trying to play that mew...but ******** s**t....ive known you since you were 7 your 13......LET YOUR ******** FEELING OUT!"it was a long...dead...chilling...moment.....ive never shown any regret....tears...pain...weakness....ever...."jinx.....everyone......im sorry"they looked at me....i couldnt cry...i tried i ******** did...but i couldnt.....nothing came"im sorry i cant....show.....these ******** emotions right now...."
i got up and walked though the broken wooden church-like doors of "vee va la voom"and walked out.....down the street alone from one side of town to the other....in the rain.....alone....the rain poured...and poured.....
and a voise became so clear...so crisp i thought i was next to me...so chilling...ice cold....
"god takes something from your grasp leaving your hands open for you to recive something wonderful in return"