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No now I’m just kind of mad myself. Why must I live up to the expectations? Cookie yea I know I cheated in your ‘book’. My understanding was to frickin limit myself until I didn’t feel the need to use any of the websites that I go on. Regardless your angry and I can’t stand you being angry at me. I’m just ughhh I guess mad in a way, yet I expected it.

You’re my friend Cookie, one of my best friends. Krysia? Lauren? Rachel? We don’t understand or talk as much as you and I do. People met you and used to tell me long ago, “You should get a new friend if she just ditches you or pushes you around like that” Of course I said ******** them, we knew how this s**t went down.

Hell, and I laughed at this, my parents didn’t want me to ride in your limo. My farther insisted that I tell you “I don’t want you leaving me somewhere” It’s probably his raciest side as well but the bottom line is that he doesn’t like the way you treat me or thinks you’ll ditch me at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I think you would do that, but I know you know how ******** asinine my parents can be.

You told me the truths were others told me sugar coated lies. It’s kind of pointless to type this I noticed but I just started typing and it all came out. I feel better now that I said it but I wish I could just push it through your skull how angry and annoyed I get that one of my best friends would ignore me over something so small. That something she was helping me with, after one small obstacle, she gave up on me.

-sigh-

On another note I think I need a therapist…I shouldn’t be as emotional as I get sometimes. Maybe it’s the years upon years of suppressing it? The rage when my father yells at me, when my mother yells for a bad grade, when grandmas been annoying, or when she herself gets mad at dad? Actually a lot of it is rage and anger…in fact that’s all I ever seem to feel anymore. I mean other than some nights when we watch LOST together, I often felt angry at my mother. She switched offices and she extremely happy now, so my mood towards her has been happy.

My dad often yells at everyone, or picks an argument with us he knows we can’t win. He expresses his anger at us so we express it back. My brother, who I shall refer to as D, was such a spiteful and hateful guy. I mean it was like he hated EVERYTHING, especially religion. I picked up on that and I think that’s why I hate religion to lol. My other brother, who shall be S, was like that only toward religion and working itself. Both D and S express much anger towards dad. My mother also hated work, but also people she had to work with. She often spent her lunches and did her work alone. I KNOW I picked up that habit.

All this thinking and being angry has gotten me tired. I’m not even mad anymore, just tired and a tad frustrated. ******** it Cookie, if you’re going to give up on me, fine I’ll do this s**t alone. That’s how I was raised to act and do, that’s how it will be.

Rules so far…
I’m only going to log in once in any given day, that is only to check my mail, post a journal, and announcements. My limit of fan fiction per day will be 7 and I will lessen it as time goes on. I will only check 7 e-mails any given day when managing my C-2. If I read said stories they will count as my one of my 7. I’m going to stick by this until I feel that my life is under MY control, where I don’t have to log onto Gaia ASAP when I get home or need fan fiction to make me happy about my day. When I can think of about 5 other things to do, do them then think let me check my Gaia mail. Also after I dropped a couple pounds.
xD