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So... I've been thinking about Dad again recently. I don't know why. It's... Kinda dumb I know... But... >.< I dunno...I just can't help feeling sad sometimes. But then... I start hating myself for missing him. Because he doesn't deserve it. I get so angry, and then sad. I'm still so confused as to what to feel. I don't want to betray myself one way or the other.

Some people think I should feel both. But I don't. It makes me want to cry thinking about all that he did... or... All that he most likely did, which I'm pretty sure he did. I've been wanting to do some other things too, that I shouldn't... Going back to hurting myself etc.... I really want to sometimes. I just feel so alone every once in a while. That I'm not cared for or loved. All I want is a father... A loving family.

Recently Deidra and I have been getting along better. I'm really glad for that. We were cuddling the other day. It makes me so happy. Because we used to be like best friends. I loved that. I always remember Northern Idaho ... When we'd play in the hallway with Corkie, or play with our horses and animals, or when we'd catch grasshoppers and jump in the hay in the barn. Or that one time when we went camping for a week across the street by ourselves. My gosh that was the greatest. lol Or whenever she'd beg me to let her be my dog. She'd bark and even put on Corkie's leash. lol Or when our parents would go out by themselves for hours, we'd play Lion and Tiger or Wolf and Human. lol I loved those games. I kinda want to play them.

Sometimes I wish I had, had different parents. But then I realize... If I did, I most likely wouldn't be the person that I am, and I wouldn't have gone through all things I have, seen all the places, and met all the people and friends that I have. I hate what I went through, and yet I'm really glad I did. My heart still breaks though. I feel.... Almost, like an incomplete person. That the life I deserved was never given.... Never cared for. I just want to feel loved. Here comes my favorite personal saying... My heart has bled to ash. It's like a stabbing wound. It doesn't hurt at first... While the person is stabbing you, or the first second or two when you cut yourself, but then... All of a sudden the stabbing, throbbing pain comes... It aches and never completly goes away until you put something on it. I wish I had some medicine for my heart. I just feel like crying... I wish someone was here to make me feel better... I feel like such a child right now... Which... My counselor says in a way I am. Which makes me feel dumb, but I suppose I know what she means. *sigh* I hope I'm not this depressed tomorrow.

Tomorrow should be fun! I get to go to a hotel in San Jose and eat grapes, expensive cheese, crackers and drink some wine, and then go out for sushi smile ^.^ I also get to go dancing and wear my cute new outfits...

So, yeah... *sigh* I want to keep writing, but I'm sure I've written enough... Espically, in the form of poems... To many are about the same thing....

song-sound
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Mon Sep 14, 2009 @ 06:17am

.......wow. Love, I gotta say I never saw this kind of inner turmoil coming. It hurts, first off, to know that you've had this all going on and have had to hide it to yourself, but it hurts me even more because I know what that kind of pain is like.

....just kind of realized my first bit may be unclear. I'm not hurt as in offended that you hid anything, but hurt as in I hurt for you, or with you.

Anyways, I really don't think there's any way you should feel about your dad. If you feel angry, feel angry. From what I've heard, he deserves it. If you feel as though you miss him, then miss the good times you can recall, and let the feeling fade that way. Does that make sense? Miss the good things you can remember, but don't favor those memories over the reality of the bad things. It's not something that will be easy, but with practice and time it will be easier to handle.

I'm also glad that you and Deidra are getting along better; I'd always kind of worry about hanging out with you two together because I worried over what would happen... You two were so against each other when I met you guys! Now, though, you guys are better about nurturing what you have in common rather than letting your differences fester and drive you apart. Not that you guys aren't still a little difficult to handle together.... Just kidding....kind of. You're both fun, but there are still times where you bicker and I feel like, "Oh God, don't let me get caught in the middle."

Now, what the hell is all this trash about you not being loved? Give me five of your closest friends names, and I'll bet you a dollar for each one that they love you. I know I do. I don't say it often for my own reasons, but I like to think that I show it. Maybe that's something you need to look for: how many people show you their love rather than tell you about it? I bet you'd be surprised by just how many people love you for the sweet person you are.

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