I haven't had the ability to really put what I was thinking about on paper or tell anyone. I come up with excuses as "I don't know. My mind is blank." or I make a made up list of what I am thinking on. No one tends to know what is going through my head, and most can't say they know me. Acting on here and acting in real life are growing to become the same, yet remnants from the past still linger about. As I type this, I listen to the second movement of Beethoven's fourteenth sonata, my brainwork scattering about to come together within the spectacular finale for the tempo. I'm not thinking about what happened today or what will happen tomorrow. My mind is stuck on past events. What I could have done better. What I should have done better. Only thoughts of James snap me out of it thankfully. Haha..
Anger..depression..hatred...scorn..bottled up fury ready to burst at any moment..the one side of me that only a couple of people have seen. They have the scars to prove it, mentally and physically. I may sound incredibly EMOtional, to tell you the truth, I don't give two shits if I do. Perspectives of the same event for two people will be different. They'll explain it differently, they'll feel differently, they'll be thinking differently. I can't change an opinion, I just cross my fingers that I can go on through life without pissing people off.
There's the normal Pakers you see..teh white ferret to the trio..the innocent to the crowd...the perfection to the insane..the beautiful to my love...I don't know how you people see that in me, but I only see the other part of the book. The gnarled world enclosed in thorns, questioning kind-worded things, staring wide-eyed at the experiences the average teenager or adult deals with. Standing on the sidelines as angry words are spat back and forth amongst the bloodline. Do I care? Should I care? Will I care? I do, for that is who I am. I cannot complain, for if it seems if I am doing so, forgive me, because I assure you, I'm not trying to. Each moment within life is just another stepping stone to become molded into who you really are.
There can be revelations that speak of how there is only now. Not yesterday, for that is gone. It may be true, it may not be for the memories stick to you like glue. But as time goes by, you forget. We all forget. Brain capacity filling up to release the un-necessary waves of thoughts. Nor tomorrow, which has not come. For others though, it is tomorrow, while today was the past for them. While we can speak at the same moment over the phone, it will be day. Time really is just an illusion to control what happens..to keep in check what needs to be done by this time and this. The earth is just being shined upon by the sun, light hitting one side while moving past the other. The sun sets and the moon rises. The moon dies down and the sun raises up with it's fiery sphere being ablaze.
I ask myself why can I not just rely on what happens on the moment? Why not just erase the memories of the past and look to the now and next? Because..if I did that. There'd be no Paki. There'd be no "Hey! How are ju?" perky Pakers who smiles and laughs like the rest of them. The happeh Paki and then the bottled Paki. I haven't opened that hell on anyone here, and I try my best to hold it in even on the most horrid of times. I guess that's more of the reason why I played a male back in the days roleplay-wise. It was just easier to control myself when I became something I wasn't. Pakirieus Aidonieus was made a male, and was going to be a male. Yet by unseen forces became a female. Unlocking the first seal upon the closed lid.
Paki became friends with practically everyone, listening to problems, helping whenever she could. Taking up the sword when called upon. Ironically through this whole deal, sickness was inevitable. Funny really. Or at least, that's how I see it. A plague of curses brought about the mind and sticking to the skin as if a second layer of the body. I think myself horrid, ridiculous, inane, and unbearably annoying. Each have been proven true time to time.
In truth, or in my opinion anyways, I'm a secluded little girl who sits in the corner of the room reading books and playing on a computer. Drawing at the imagination, using a peg and hammer to chisel out the small clunks of doubt. I doubt the things I choose, the things I make, the things I think. I doubt this writing...
Emotional. Everyone mourns obviously. Those insisting on niceties lose. I don't want to complain. I'm sorry. For this habit of mine won't stop. xD
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My Random Vampire Thoughts
Here is a brief description. Random. Vampire. Thoughts. Get it? Got it? Good.
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