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A True Confession
WARNING: The following rant/confession has sexual references, some coarse language and adult themes. Parents are advised to assist their children when reading such a rant/confession and should be ready to cover their children's eyes when necessary.
Okay, I think it's finally time to reveal the truth about me.
I'm a guy who wants and tries to be accepting of everybody, and understand everybody; funny thing is though that there are countless times in which I just don't have the energy or something or rather to accept certain people.
People hate those who are racist and what-not, and I don't like what racism can do either; but I AM racist. Just that I'm one of those 'almost-silent racists'.
I've never had a black (Negroid) friend before. That's probably because of the way I was brought up, my own ethnicity and the areas in which I was brought up in.
You hardly see blacks in the Lower North Shore area.
I don't hate Middle-Eastern people or Muslims; instead, I fear them. Even though I know the old lady standing next to me on the train station is most probably NOT a suicide bomber, the fear is simply in me.
I fear, because I fear death.
Most of the suicide bombings and 'terrorist' acts have been commited by those of a Middle-Eastern appearance. People die because of these people.
Put two and two together and bam, you have fear for Middle-Eastern people.
I mean, before 911 and the media coverage, before I arrived in High School and was exposed to the News I HAD middle-eastern friends such as Amir A. and Khalid (can't remember their last names, but I know Amir's was very long). I think one was Pakistan and the other was Khazakstan or something of that sort.
This was in Year 3. I was even invited to Amir's birthday party and that was the VERY FIRST birthday party I had ever been to for somebody other than my family friends.
It was interesting. They did the Cha-Cha-Cha. Interesting, really. He lived in Frenchs Forest.
I remember Moses or somebody. He was NZ I think.
There were the two NZ twins (who I can't remember their names anymore). You see, I didn't worry about these things. I had NO fear at all of them.
I looked upon them as equal.
But now, it seems I have become...racist against them? I don't really know. I don't bash Middle-Eastern or black people, I don't swear at them or insult them.
But deep down inside when I'm at the train station, getting on a bus or getting on a train, my mind keeps telling me to ignore the whispers: "I wish they weren't on this bus. Please, don't go on. I hope they don't have a bomb on them. I hope they don't bash me up."
And yet, when I do get to know them a bit more, hey, I'm not afraid of them anymore and I'm quite open and happy to be around them. In NSB, you've got the school Captain Bibhu and all these other Middle-Eastern, or Muslims.
I'm not afraid of them. I don't feel a hatred towards them.
Yet I'm afraid of those Middle-Eastern people that I DON'T know. Strange isn't it?
And then I've recently noticed something about who I prefer to even talk to.
I seem to try my best to ignore rockers, punks and goths because...I just don't feel well around them. You've got them with pictures of zombies, people with huge rings sticking out of their noses, scars everywhere...grunge layouts....shiny, hard black and maroon lips. Chains. Black and white all over, but in a 'digusting' manner.
Look at one of the pics I used to have of Miyavi when I was super depressed. The 'shiny' black is...digusting in my opinion.
Rockers, killing their heads...sweat. Wet hair whipping up and down over an ear-shattering music.
Maybe I'm turning into an old man at the age of 16, but they are just things I don't like.
Cute-ness, I like. Overly cute, makes me puke.
Maybe it's the Anime/Manga that's done it?
I don't know. Strangely enough those who are too cute make me want to puke. I don't know why, but they just do.
Bitches, I hate. They are selfish and try their best to ruin other people's lives simply to raise their self-esteem.
Gangsters, or those who like those black american rap guys with metal-chain name-tags, gold necklaces and heaps of bling...I don't like. I try to stay away from those types of people and for some reason when I see Asians in 'gangster/cool' outfits; I just want to shake my head and give up on life.
It's a strange feeling.
I hate asian 'cool' people for becoming so Westernized in THAT way. I just don't see Asians as that.
But then again, who am I to define what are Asians?
I almost hate ALL people who wear mini-skirts, mini-jean thingies and what-not. Yes, some of them look REALLY hot and all, but my face seems to automatically frown when I see them.
I don't know why, but it just does. Must mean that I hate them of course.
And yet it's funny really. I look at people hanging outside Galaxy World, people who hang outside Hoyts and what-not and I seem to automatically hate them. I seem to automatically tag them as people to stay away from.
Yet, have I ever thought that even my friends could be within those groups? Could my friends, all of whom are smart, extremely nice, funny and supportive...be these people?
They could.
I've been to the movies on several occasions, Galaxy world is an arcade I love.
Does that mean that I should hate myself for it?
It's strange, and that's probably why I just have to try my hardest to accept everybody.
Another thing I've noticed. Ever since 2005, I seem to have a whole bunch of female Gaian friends and seem to only be truly searching for more female friends. Maybe it's because I don't trust males? Maybe because of most males' values (at least what I perceive them to be)?
Maybe because I've suddenly entered new territory? An all boys' school?
I dunno.
And then their's the choice of music. I like songs by DBSK, Se7en and Wheesung even though I don't understand them. I like the tune, the music and at the core of it all, I think that's all that matters.
Then again, I'm quite hypocritical in that matter.
I don't understand why guys and 'cool' girls (ahem, sluts *cough*) have to like songs which blast your ears off and which simply say "******** ******** ********, yea baby, ********, get down b***h" over and over again.
But hey, I just listened to what they were actually saying, right? Wasn't I supposed to simply enjoy the music?
So yes, I'm hypocritical, but god do I ...hate...people who listen to music like that.
Two guys had added my e-mail to MSN and had chatted to me. They probably thought I was a girl because of my BoA DP.
The first guy added me. From UK. Phillipene (can't spell, sorry). Had a DP of some American rap/gangster artist. Tried acting all cool and all.
Next day, his friend adds me. Probably trying to get me interested in him. DP? Same. Another gangster artist. Even tried playing the Kiss game with me.
...Blocked.
I was digusted. Seriously.
But then again, people are different. I would never start a Kiss game with anybody. I'm just not that type of person.
I don't hop to the backseat of a car after a date and start banging.
I don't see myself doing anything like that.
I don't like people who do.
I look at Life Issues and hear about people having sex at the age of 12 and I think, wow. This happens? *shock*
Slut?
Whore?
Stupid?
But then I think again and restore my calm; and avoid those topics, remembering that I think differently from some other people and thus I must accept that there are people like them running about. We have different values, and so I shouldn't insult them and make their lives miserable or make them feel better that they have been insulted by some retard.
Instead, I ignore them.
Yes, I ignore a LOT of people. I'm quite reserved.
But I keep my opinions of other people silent.
But hey, I have to rant and let it loose somewhere, yea? So here I am, posting away all the random things that I've always kept silent.
You probably all hate me now, but hey, if you can't accept that I am this type of a person hating so many things; then you are weak.
That's another thing. I think true strength comes in keeping silent when with people about people you don't really like/etc.
Don't make them unhappy. Cause once you make somebody unhappy, they will stay unhappy for the rest of that day. Depending on how deeply they took your comments/looks/actions; it might last a lifetime.
One day that they end up crying, cutting themselves and overly depressed instead of going to a friend's place, going out, playing games or enjoying their day; is one day less of their lives.
You can't repeat that day. You can't go back.
You've just commited an offence. That's right.
You've destroyed one day of a person's life; and they can't redeem that day.
One day doesn't seem much to you, but to me it means a hell lot. It can add on. You might only make somebody depressed for one day, but there are far more people than just yourself. And far more people who will openly show their hatred or lack of acceptance or comfortability with other people.
Why did these 'terrorists' have to do the things they do? Why did they instil fear onto people like me?
I can't enjoy life to the fullest, because I'm constantly in fear (mainly when I'm on public transport).
Other people can't enjoy life to the fullest.
Houses are blown apart, lives wrecked, people shattered.
What's the point? Have these people EVER THOUGHT about what people would feel on both 'sides'? Do they?
I'm lost for words.
And then things I like.
I like reading fantasy novels and even writing them when I have time. Certain novels just attract me instantly.
So I'm a nerd now? I should be hated by all things 'cool' and 'popular'?
I don't like sport that much, espicially anything to do with the beach. Does that mean I should be ignored, and caste as a social reject?
I like pixel collectables, I like making anime layouts and I like some music that others think are only for girls to listen to.
Does that mean I'm gay? That I'm retarded? Deranged?
Am I weird if I like things such as pixel art, quilts, webrings and Mashimaru?
Am I weird if I like Chobits? If I don't like Saikano?
Am I retarded if I practically ignore Love Hina nudity and instead only view it as a tool to slightly emphasis all the awkward and funny situations Kietaro ends up in?
If I just say that I like Love Hina, why is it that people start ignoring me and tagging me as a pervert?
Why is cooking, helping with the house and not being an a** to females bad in most people's eyes? Why is it weird?
Don't girls want guys who don't bash them up everyday and do nothing, whilst complaining about the state of the house?
It confuses me to no limit.
It's led me at times to believe that girls actually WANT to be bashed up and used; to do all the work for the guy.
Cause those types of guys are the ones who usually get girlfriends in High School, College and further.
It's the nice guys that lose out.
And then it comes to another thing I've started to believe now.
Ugly and weak guys are usually the nerdy, nice guys who are romantically-deprived souls. Since they are weak and ugly they can't win females through looks and bodily intricaces. Instead, their only avenue is to become smart, try to become successful in life and to become extremely nice.
That's if they ever wish to attract a girl.
For those who are a bit more ambitious, they try to be smart and successful to earn heaps of money to buy hot girls who only be with them for the money.
Same with girls. The ugly and the social reject or the minority find themselves forced to become smarter, nicer and cuter in order to attract guys; whilst the hot ones just have to wink and everybodies all over them.
The hot never get depressed (except because they weren't able to have sex with 20 people in the one night). They have no reason to get depressed.
Looks can get you anywhere in life.
As for those who aren't as hot or dream-like, they end up being the depressed ones, the suicidal ones, the ones who turn to goth to hide themselves away from the society that seems in their mind to reject them and tag them as a human outcast.
I've noticed that the vast majority of Gaians don't look anywhere good. The ones I've seen are hooked onto the computer and seem to never go out even though they are so so depressed because they are bored and want to go out with somebody or other.
A lot of them don't have many friends.
A lot of them don't have good jobs.
A lot of them aren't pretty, musculine or sexy.
In fact...a lot of them don't have boyfriends or girlfriends and have never had anybody who has loved them.
You talk about Gaia or any other such anime community to somebody who thinks that they are 'cool' or 'hot' and can't accept things and they'll think of it as a taboo.
They'll look at Gaia, Ragnarok and what-not as what I personally look at Neopets. Something which shouldn't be spoken of.
In fact, I had a very uncomfortable feeling even mentioning that site.
Neopets.
Neopets.
Neopets.
Yep, I'm still uncomfortable even though I just wrote it 4 times.
One of my friends on Gaia, Anoni...I had thought she was a caucasian.
Suddenly when I realised that she was Asian, my perception of her totally changed.
It was amazing how fast it changed.
Suddenly, it was as though I thought she was a 'person'. Strange isn't it?
But then I looked at the art she had, her hairstyle and everything else.
Suddenly, my "I like Asians" was being conflicted with "this isn't the type of Asian I envisaged".
Strange?
Yea, hell it is.
Not surprising that I hardly have any non-Asian Gaian friends, yea?
I have a billion things I could rant on about, but I'll stop here.
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Anyways, that's just a bit of me ranting, and confessing who I truly am.
Yes, that's right. A complete a*****e.
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