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How to be me
On an elevator
1. Turn to a random person and whisper, " Where are they taking us?”
2. Look menacingly at another passenger, and say "NO!"
3. Play Rock, Paper, Scissors with yourself, & be ecstatic when you win and despondent when you lose.
4. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
5. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
6. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
7. Meow occasionally.
8. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
9. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
10. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Ordering pizza
1. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
2. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
3. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be 10.99; please pull up to the first window."
4. Ask if you can rent a pizza.
5. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
6. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
7. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
8. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
9. Try not to say the word pizza. If they say it, say "please don’t mention that ahem word."
10. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
In a movie theatre
1. Talk loudly to a friend. Whenever someone else makes the slightest noise, tell him or her they are inconsiderate little bastards for disrupting your viewing pleasure.
2. Bring a portable T.V. Watch the ball game. Cheer loudly.
3. Sing with the background music.
4. Whenever someone opens a door yell "Don't go in there, he's got a gun!"
5. If it's a Disney film, go up to the projector room and replace the film with an adult film.
6. Get a realistic looking and sounding cap gun. Go to the front of the theatre and exclaim, "The movie is depressing me." Shoot yourself in the head and fall dead. After about a minute get up and go back to you seat. Remain silent the rest of the movie.
7. Wear a trench coat and sunglasses. Whenever someone enters or exits the theatre ask to see their identification.
8. Find the light switch. Turn the lights on.
9. Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.
10. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
At Walmart
1. Hide in a clothes rack and when some one passes say "pick me! pick me!"
2. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
4. Challenge random people to duel you with gift wrap tubes.
5. Put random items into other peoples baskets while they are not looking.
6. Walk up to a random person a say "Hey, Bob! How's it been? I haven't seen you since we were in 3rd grade together!".
7. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive.
8. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
9. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them.
10. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, it's those voices again."
At school
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. (Way overdone...yet still so funny!)
2. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
3. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
4. Tell teachers the kid not there died.
5. Speak gibberish.
6. While on the computers at school, delete random folders and such that look important.
7. During a big test, make popping sounds with your mouth (like Donkey from Shrek) and laugh when the teacher gives you a funny look.
8. In study hall, look at the ceiling for along time, and when you see other people looking at the ceiling too, trying to figure it out, say "What are you looking at?".
9. When in a school shower, sing "Its a small world after all" really badly.
10. Put fake surveillance cameras in every bathroom stall.In a public bathroom
1. Say "Now, how did that get there?".
2. Say "Hm, I've never seen that color before!".
3. Get a chocolate milk and 'accidently' spill it every where when you get into the stall, making gross puking noses in the process.
4. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters".
5. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise.
6. Put up a sign above the sink that says "Did you remember to wipe?"
7. See how long you can do a raspberry inside one of the stalls before someone asks you if you're alright.
8. Come out of the stall with wet hands.
9. Write on the wall of a women's bathroom 'Tom was here.'
10. Drop a marble and say "CRAP! There goes my glass eye!".
and one funny
Black and White: A black man was talking to a white man and said: "I'm black. When I was born I was black. When I grew up I was black. When I'm sick I'm black. When I go in the sun I'm black. When I'm cold I'm black. When I die I'll still be black. But you: When you were born you were pink. When you grew up you were white. When you're sick you're green. When you go in the sun you're red. When you're cold you're blue. When you die you'll be purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored. "
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