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I've turned my phone off, because I'm tired of waiting for the screen to light up and for it to say, "New MSG from: -----"

I disgust myself, waiting for his contact, even when we aren't dating anymore. I was ready to give him so much. I was ready to do so much for him, including converting for him. But, if I told him that now, he'd claim it just an excuse to get back together. In his eyes, I am a sin. It's not that I have done anything wrong, but since I am outside the gates of his religion, it is forbidden love.

If I had been in his position, I would have gladly taken a ticket to hell instead of heaven, just so that I could love him while I still breathed. His choice in picking religious faith over me shows guilt, and therefore insecurity. Furthermore, it shows a weak boy. Not a man, which he appears to be, but a boy, afraid to upset his elders, in this case, his parents and god.

He didn't plan on going onto college yet he held an image of me, married to him, with three children and our own home. A child's image, really. He always claimed to be practical, thinking only of the future, but if he didn't go to college how could he get a job paying enough money to support five people?

These thoughts still haunt me, and I try to focus on other things. Homework, billiards, basketball, school plans, anything. Anything to keep him from my mind. Yet here I am, dedicating entire journal entries to him. I speak to my god when I say this. Give me the strength to throw him away, and follow his wish to 'let him go.'