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If you don't want to waste about 3 minutes of your life, I suggest you don't read what is below. It's just me babbling, so just don't read it.





































Ugh, I know this is horrible of me, but I REALLY need to get this off my mind.

Starts with an S and it ends with an N, told him I'd be with him till the very end. u_u

Gah, it's horrible! crying
Hasn't contacted me since I gave him that message, and... just makes me wonder if he's okay, still alive, even in a house... GYAN! crying

What triggered this is...... well, I've had this on my mind forever. Ever since I sent him that message. But more recently now, becuase my present is reminding me so much of my past and.... u_u
It's just making me remember things that I don't want to remember. I'm not saying those memories are bad, but...

The big bold title that's floating in my mind is DOES HE HATE ME?
God, I sure hope not. If he does, then... that's kinda sad. Thought he was more mature than that... but I suppose I can't say that. I've always told him, "No one, there is no one," but little did my gold fish know, there was someone. And I guess in a way, my gold fish didn't want to say there was someone. But my gold fish did end up hitting against the glass for that person, and here I am now.

I'm not saying I'm not happy where I am in life. In fact, I'm very happy. I'm with someone I love very much, but sadly that's only mentally, not physically. I just wish... I knew what my future was. So then I can change now, and prepare for later. So I can tell my gold fish, "This is how it is, so stop hitting the glass."
My gold fish listens very well... and she excepts reality if I prepare myself for it, thinking of all the possibilities like it's a game, so when life makes its move, I won't break down.

But... life isn't a game. People are easy to predict, but life is unpredictable. Thus, here is my result. The little gold fish bowl slowly tipping over? I don't really know what to call it. But it hurts.


I wonder if his dog is okay. I remember how much he loved his dog, and maybe that's why I hurt so much right now. I love that dog too. She was so good. I really wanted to meet her one day, and prove him wrong that I won't need food to get her to like me... but last time I heard from him, she was sick. Very sick with worms. And on top of that, she's very old as well. I think she was around the age of nine, his little Boston Terrier. Keiara. I can't even remember if that's how it's spelled, which makes me so sad.

I remember those phone calls, it was like I didn't need him there physically, as long as he could talk me through life I was okay. And that's how it was, even when I didn't have such feelings. Automatically I trusted him, asked him what should I do? This, or this? Is that a bad idea? Little things. But those little things brought us close, and I hope it can be just like the good old New York days. Writing down everything he liked and possibly wanted in a note book. Then trying hard to memorize it. Ha, didn't work, but I still have that note book... somewhere.

I remember every thing from the day we met, to today.I hope I never forget it. u_u
But I wish my Gold Fish would stop it's fire works for a second, and stop glancing at that pebble, stop wishing it was the pebble it had in its fin now. I wish the fireworks would stop, before they land on the pebble in its fin, and make it so hot, it burns through the fin, dropping on the pile of silver pebbles....

I don't know what to do about this stubborn Gold Fish... it's hurting everyone...

What I do know, is I am happy with the pebble I have now. And I want this pebble to last as long as possible...