Goodness knows, after all this time, after all these last few years of being a semi-responsible adult, I would've thought that I would have learned to know the roads by now. But no, apparently I am as thick as a maple syrup, as forgetful as an old lady, and as nervous as a train wreck.
I feel like I've gotten...not dumber, but way too simple. Not to say that being simple is a bad thing, but it just seems that I guess I imagined myself doing more things or feeling more important when I would get older. But, I'm not. My fantasies are WAY more exciting and confident than I am in real life, but I don't mind that too much--it really is more of the confidence, or lack there of that gets to me.
When I am with my friends, more so my gal pals, most of my guy friends make me feel dumb and wussy, I am very loud, bordering on obnoxious, and I am very chatty. I say that I talk alot, but to be honest, I've noticed that I hardly talk to anyone anymore. When I am with my friends I talk yea, but there are times when I can't think of anything to say so I just belch out random sounds and then I sit there watching them talk to each other about something I don't know about--that sounds way more "down and boo hoo me" then I thought, but in essence all I am trying to say is, I disappoint myself.
I want to be able to feel like I am the type of person I say I am, the type of person my friends say I am--I can't feel that way if I get jumpy while driving sometimes--and actually, now that I think about it, part of me doesn't mind that--not everyone is good at driving ((I am a good driver just directionally impaired and easily nervous and confused XD))...but I guess I don't want to worry about having regrets. I don't want to be old and gray thinking, "I wish I had had more confidence in my self back when I was a kid. I could've driven anywhere I wanted."
Anyway-this is more or less a journal about me picking on myself and sounding depressed. I don't want to sound that way, but I guess we are all entitled to our downer days.
Here's to hoping that I can be more confident and less nervous when driving! If it comes down to it, I will learn how to fly instead! HA!
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Sakura lady of death
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