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I am but a contradiction of myself...I'm both now and honestly, it sucks. People might look at me weird for saying this, but I seriously don't believe I should be human. Yeah, go call the hospital and tell them you've just met a basket-case...but I'm serious. I don't think I'm supposed to be human. At the same time, I realize that I cannot help but to be one.

And honestly, I truthfully love him...I really do, but I'm scared to open up. That's always been the hard part. But what kills me most is that he's probably more "in love" with me than I am with him and I have no idea if I could handle that...that's why I can't decide...that's why I want him but don't care. I'm sorry, Jamesy.

If he was with me though...I wouldn't care if he still acted perverted around every other person on the internet. I doubt I'd look at him the same way he would look at me. I doubt I could even express the same emotional love that he would towards me. I am...I'm apathetic and yet, how is it so that I still love and want him? How is it so that I can be so selfish and yet so standoffish? How is it so that I want him but know that I'll probably just use him in the end? I use almost everyone I get extremely close to. But see, that's the thing. I feel like he's my brother...and I know I haven't used him like I do to my real brother or like I did to my ex...

I feel like he's perfect where he is even though I want to be a selfish little whore and tell him I want more just so I can get over with it...just so he'll shut up...just so he'll be happy...just so that he'll feel better about himself and more positive.

I know what it's like to be loveless...I've accepted it now. I know how it feels to be loveless AND apathetic and that, I am and I don't want to change it.

I don't want him as anything more than a friend because, like I said, I'll use him and it'll kill me when I tell him I did...it'll kill me when I break up with him...it'll kill me when I see those tears and hear him cry and know it's all my fault. It's not worth that...his happiness is worth so much more than my selfishness.

And, I know that he believes me being with him would make him the happiest boy on this earth.....but I believe he's wrong. I'm no ones. I'm not even my own. I don't know who I am or what I should do. I'm confused and in love with confusion and only that. I cannot be fixed. I'll never be saved. I'm just constantly searching infinity as a contradiction.

...who dares to save the wind from the sky? The poor wind who is me...