I want to fix myself this summer. I don't want to be someone who can't make friends or someone who just sits around by themself all the time. I hate being alone. Y'know, sometimes it's nice to just "get away from it all" but I feel like I've been away for so long that I'm detatched from alot of things. I have no hobbies or interests and hardly any friends. I mean. . . . I have a couple of friends but I need a change before next school year starts. I really don't want to be some loner because I'm so used to following someone. Now, that someone has graduated and I don't know what I'm going to do. I WANT to change. I'm not sure how that's going to happen.
Yea the person I followed last year wanted to change too but that never happened so I'm not very hopeful right now.
I wish I could be more social. I wish I wasn't so shy and I wish I could just have fun and be happy and have it be effortless. >.<
I don't necessesarily want to be all beautiful and popular and all that s**t. I don't need to have a bazillion friends. I just want enough to keep me sane and I want friends that aren't just going to be my friend so I can add them to the list of people who think I'm cool or something (which, if that list existed right now, there'd only be 2 people on it as far as I know). I want friends that won't leave me for someone with cooler stuff or nicer clothes or prettier hair.
I want to change enough to still be me and keep the precious old friends I have while being just different enough to make some new ones. I don't want to look like I'm glaring at everyone and that I LIKE keeping to myself because, frankly, I don't. I like being part of a group but I don't like PRETENDING that I'm part of a group. I don't want to have to force myself to fit in, I wish it could just happen. I wish it was that easy but it's not. And just like that I give up and THAT in itself is why I have very few friends.
I believe it's quality not quantity that counts but. . . . that little saying doesn't work if I'm by myself. Because I can't consider the quality of NO ONE.
. . . . I'm not someone who likes change, either. I don't want to be different. I don't want to force myself to be someone I'm not just so I can have a few friends. But I don't want to spend the last two years of highschool by myself. I wish I had social skills and I know they're not going to just spring up out of nowhere because I wanted them to. That's not how it works. (If that did work, I wouldn't be writing this lame-o journal, now would I?)
Alright well I don't excatly know what else to say because I kinda contradicted myself. . . . alot. I want to change but I don't want to change. >.<
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Timmykamisfromphilly Community Member 
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