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This is another modified entry I have that I never shared with anyone.

I have changed, extremely fast.
Before, my thoughts were like someone inside me who kept grabbing my throat with its vile claws, suffocating me.
Now, I have thrown that creature, that demon, off, although it’s still here.
It doesn’t want to lose its power over me. But I can’t let it control me any longer.
I have taken a stand.
It is hard. Especially at first. My mind was weak by itself; it was sick for which there was no real cure.
I felt I was to blame for everything bad to me and allowed then to tear my mind.
I wouldn’t let that happen now.
There were phases though which I passed though. Judgments that have and are still examining me and testing my abilities.
First was my self-suffering. I believed I was horrible, rotten, and always weak. And everyone else was right.
When I spoke to people I told all I could. I felt that if I didn’t they would leave and never know. It was a desperate grab at friends that failed.
The next phase came when I was asked to join Cross Country.
I was unsure and more than a little afraid. Could I do it? Would I let the team down? I repeatedly asked myself these questions.
But soon, in practice, my confidence swelled and my self-esteem began to heal my wounds.
Before, I hurt myself physically and mentally because I felt I was weak and should be hurt over and over again. That was wrong.
But I don’t understand why I wasn’t noticed about it. I was doing things begging for help.
But none came. At least not until the second phase.
Old habits die hard they say.
Well it couldn’t be truer in my case.
Even though my confidence rose it had a weak foundation and often crumbled at the races when I came in last, same in Track.
I didn’t want anyone to cheer for me because I felt I didn’t deserve it.
Coming in last was horrible but I improved and through those experiences came phase three.
This was the worst one yet. I t was the shortest phase so far but it didn’t help me at all.
There was a girl I had a major crush on when I was younger and allowed my mind to fill with thoughts that I know know only cloud the mind and leave it susceptible to darker, more obsessive actions.
She had a boyfriend across the Internet and I was supremely jealous. I was angry. Angry at myself again for allowing jealousy to corrode my mind. I said to myself, “I rejected her, I didn’t make any effort to become even just friends with her!” I became more furious.
And it got worse as she explained she was going to meet him in person here in Florida.
He was visiting her at her house! I felt she was in danger, that he was a creep who wanted to take advantage of her.
Soon my rage subsided and I began to long for her more but at a safer distance. One I could watch her and admire her while at the same time accepting the fact she may not be the one for me.
I made a promise to myself that no matter what I would prove myself that no matter what I would prove myself to me and everyone.
I would stand up and focus my energies on improving my own dilemmas.
I only hope I don’t go back again.