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I understand how that feels. But there is something you can do, it may not make a big difference, but it can help with the emotional pain. Write things down, doesn't matter what it is, but keep your thoughts in a book of some kind, don'y call it a diary or a journal, just call it a book of thoughts basically. That's what I've done, just write something down as if you were talking to someone and then put it someplace so you can get to it to write more stuff down. As time passes, it should help you start to feel a little better. And if it's not helping alot, then talk to your husband or any other family you trust about how you're feeling, it can't hurt. Just think about it for awhile, see what these suggestions could do for you. I won't say "what do you have to lose" because that's something you never say to anyone who has alot to lose. Family is not worth losing, you seem to have a great family right now. Even after several years of hell you can be happy with your husband. Just talk to him, or write your thoughts down in a book. you don't have to follow these suggestions, but think about it for a while. That's all I'm saying. I wish you luck.