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(Siren)
Well, Times Square.
I just had to do a show right here
and it's brilliant to do it in Times Square
because there's always a bunch of people
who can hang around
and watch me talk complete rubbish.
(d Suede: Filmstar)
D Filmstar, propping up the bar
d Driving in a car, it looks so easy
d Filmstar, propping up the bar
d Driving in a car tonight d
I've lost my comedy!
- (Phone)
- Hello?
- You've gotta be on the edge.
- There's no one at the fire station.
Some people are not on the edge,
they're right on the lid.
(Deep male voice)
'As you've never seen him.'
You will be the movie, you will be the star.
You don't love me any more!
'Lnternational comedian.'
...avec la couronne.
- I love your work.
- It's very good, isn't it?
Don't worry, I'll come.
'Edward J lzzard... '
- Do you think it's easy to wear lipstick?
- (Siren)
'... enters the American dream.'
I want to be bigger than McDonald's.
The first image
we wanna get across is girls.
Why don't we go to bed? A lot of sex.
- We need a stand-in.
- Still goes like a rocket.
I'm willing to prostitute myself.
Not in a tacky way, in a good way.
- Fighting.
- Oi, Tracey.
My name
is not
Tracey.
I wanna live till I die, no more, no less.
(Barking)
(Man) 'You can't fight off the speed
of the life he lives.'
Leave me ********!
- Moody.
- Moody.
- Pressure.
- I don't give a s**t about those girls in Paris.
We need a section on your background.
I was born in Yemen.
So I've got to say I was born in France?
The horror!
I want money, fame and integrity too.
All right, I was born in there.
Danger could be my middle name.
But it's John.
(Cheering, whistling)
Hammersmith Apollo!
Was Hammersmith Odeon,
now Hammersmith Apollo!
Labatt's Apollo? Er, no.
Erm.
Large drink, I think, erm.
Hamburger Albert Hall
McDonald's Burger Thing.
New future of eating things. Strange, yeah?
And Apollo, the god of the sun.
Odeon, god of popcorn and, er,
Coca-Cola and cinemas.
I don't know what's going on there.
So, welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo.
Sorry about the cameras tonight,
I hope it doesn't get in the way.
If you're pissed off then I'll pull them out
and throw them in the street.
Good, no, everyone's fine.
We'll still just do the show cool.
Occasionally, the lights
might come up at the side
and you'll go, "Oh, I can see myself."
We just want to know you're still there.
So there might be a few things but I'll be
extra funny tonight, just for you people,
an extra % funny.
You can't check, can you? Ah.
Unless you came every night with
a laughometer. "Well, five. ********' hell."
So. D Dum-de dum...
d Comedy, big ******** room d
Er,
forgotten it now.
Oh, yes, the Old Testament, the beginning
of the world. The Old Testament.
That's where stuff began,
in the Christian version of things.
Everyone had beards,
big ******** beards in the Old Testament.
And the deep voices - "Oh, I say to you.
"And Elijah and the clouds and chariots...
The burning bush.
"Oh, beard on fire, s**t.
"Into the Dead Sea.
"Ooh, a goatee."
Even the dogs in the Old Testament -
big beards.
"Woof, woof, I say to you.
A biscuit? Thank you."
In English comic books, "woof, woof'.
In French comic books, "ouah, ouah".
Aah!
So.
So, God created the world in seven days.
A foolish brag, I feel. If I was God I'd say,
"I'm going to create the world
over a number of days.
"Not sure how long,
might be a bit pressed, you know."
Too much pressure, seven days dead.
Do it like Microsoft - "lt'll be done
by Saturday, Tuesday, next week.
"We'll bring it out
when we're ******** ready, right?"
I think God was actually in bed
and his mum said,
"Get out of bed, God, you'll miss
the best part of the day."
His mum was Mrs Badcrumble.
"Get out of bed..."
(Audience cheer)
She's just my clarinet teacher, right.
"Get up, you'll miss the best part of the day."
And God, who was James Mason, said,
"No, I won't get out of bed, Mother,
"because I haven't yet
created the best part of the day. Ah.
"Ah, can't get me on that one.
Box clever, you see."
"Oh, you wee young scallywag.
"I'll box you a bit later." So.
So then God created the world and on
the first day he created light and air and fish
and jam and soup and potatoes
and haircuts and arguments
and small things
and rabbits and people with noses
and jam, more jam, perhaps, and, er,
and soot and flies and tobogganing
and showers and toasters
and grandmothers
and Belgium.
And
the second day he created fire
and water and eggnog and radiators
and lights and Burma
and things that go "urh"
and... and Colonel Gaddafi
and Arthur Negus.
On the third day he probably
got lists and said,
"I can't remember what I've invented now.
"I've just been ad-libbing so far."
And so everything built up
through the days.
You know how if you've got a deadline,
everything builds up.
On the seventh day God was in a panic,
"Oh, what haven't I...?
"Rwanda, better create Rwanda.
"Oh, sorry, haven't quite done that.
The Tower of Pisa.
"It's leaning, oh, damn.
"Toilets in French camping sites,
there we go.
"English football hooligans,
whatever that is.
"Mrs Thatcher's heart.
There we... Oh, ******** that.
"I'll put a stone in, that'll work. There we go."
(Applause)
The next week people
are coming back going,
"Rwanda doesn't work very well.
"The infrastructure is ********."
"I'm terribly sorry,
I'll put some more jam here. And...
"And a mountain of cabbages
and a radiator."
"Thank you, that's just what we wanted."
This is them dragging Rwanda back
to lay it out on the map.
No one got that.
Never do that piece again.
So, stuff happened. Yes, it unfolded.
And Cain killed Abel, fatted calf, "doof', erm.
And there came
a period a number of centuries later
when God said, "No, no, everything is bad.
"I will send a flood,
kill everything and start again."
It was the Etch A Sketch
end of the world, basically.
No, no.
"Don't know what that is,
don't recognise that any more."
Remember with Etch A Sketch when
you'd done a house and a sun at the top,
you'd try to do a dog down here and you had
to leave vapour trails all the way along.
Oh, bugger it.
So God said, "I will sent a flood.
days, nights and lots of umbrellas.
"But I will save two of everything because
it looks good on a seesaw photo."
Two hippos.
"Noah, stop what you're doing
and build me an ark."
And Noah, with Sean Connery
playing the role,
"I'm working on a speedboat at the moment.
"It's much more exciting -
"bigger engine and it can
shoot across the water like that."
"No, I want an ark with a big room for poo."
"Look, a speedboat, it'll kick a**.
"Lt'll give great photos
to the people in the Bible.
"We can get all the animals
with long ears to sit along the side.
"Look ******** excellent.
Excellent photographs."
"No, you'll build me an ark.
You can put a big engine in that if you want."
"OK, I suppose.
"It's a compromise."
So he started to saw up
pieces of wood to make the ark.
(Sawing noise)
It's not how you start sawing.
You start by going...
(Faster sawing)
It's impossible to start, isn't it?
(Fast sawing)
Then you get into that middle bit.
(Slower sawing) Which feels good.
Where you feel like your dad.
Your dad used to say,
"I'm just going out to the garage
"to saw a plank of wood in half."
(Slow sawing noise)
Ker-dunk.
"There we go.
"Now, Dr Bronowski on Sunday television.
"The Ascent Of Man." (Snores)
Sundays with my dad, that was.
No, you want a speed saw, much quicker.
N-zuh. Hoh-hah.
Those power saws, much better.
The sawing has a difficult start,
then it goes a bit better
and by the end it's back to,
(Fast sawing)
And after a while Noah realised
he was actually punching a baboon.
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
"Stop hitting me."
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
"Leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep."
"I'm not punching you, this is my mime.
"I'm making an ark, get out of my mime.
I don't want you in mime."
"What have you got
against baboons in mime?"
"Nothing, you can do your own mime,
but not in my mime.
"Not on my mime.
"It's my motto - 'No baboons in mime'."
"You don't know what you're talking about,
do you?"
"I did before but I don't now."
So, he built an ark and that was great
and then he collected two of every animal
from all around the world,
including two baboons,
one a bit punch-drunk.
"He was hitting me,
I didn't know what was going on."
He was going,
"What have we got here? Two dogs, OK.
"Long ears? Along the side, please.
"I'll explain it to you later.
"Two sheep? Well done.
On you get, sit along the side there.
"Two cats, small ears? Inside the boat.
"Two ducks?"
The ducks are going, "We're not coming."
"There's going to be
an enormous ******** flood."
"So?
"What's the big problem?"
There's a huge hole
in the whole flood drama
because anything that could
float or swim got away scot-free
and it was the idea to kill everything.
He didn't say, "I will kill everything except
the floating ones and the swimming ones
"who will get out due to a loophole."
In a James Mason voice.
"I will kill everything
"except the floating ones
and the swimming ones...
"Loophole.
"Sorry, I was offstage in my trailer.
Someone else did my lines."
So, yes. Anything that could float -
your bad ducks, your bad geese,
your bad swans.
"Haaa".
Bad ducks going,
"Quack, quack, quack, ooh. Blargh."
"Ha ha."
They're the spitting ducks.
Your bad fish. "Boh."
Bad pilot fish with those little lights
on the top. Evil pilot fish.
Really bad. The ones that go round in twos
and swim up to other fish
with their lights at the front.
And the other fish go,
"No, it's a car coming towards me! Ah!"
Whoosh! "Hey!
"Bloody pilot fish! You evil pilot fish!
"I know your dad."
That's how a fish walks if he's English.
"Don't know what just happened there."
Yes. So it's a big hole in the whole thing.
With humans,
we understand the idea of good and bad,
of evil and very, very good,
saintly, I suppose.
But with animals -
what, in fact, is an evil giraffe?
"I will eat all the leaves on this tree.
"I will eat more leaves than I should
"and then other giraffes may die.
"Ah-ha-ha.
"I am an evil herbivore."
It's very difficult to be evil. "I will hide berries
where no one has seen them. Ha-ha."
But with dogs, we do have "bad dog".
"Bad dog" exists. "Bad dog!
"Bad dog, stole a biscuit, bad dog."
The dog's saying,
"Who are you to judge me?
"You human beings have had wars against
people of different creeds and colours
"and I stole a biscuit?
"Is that a crime?
"People of the world!"
"Well, if you put that way,
I suppose you've got a point.
"Have another biscuit, sorry."
That's a dog owned by a giraffe.
Yes! I'm quite interested in death
in a kind of morbid way. Erm.
Which goes together.
Well, death just happens.
Boom and vmph, and that's just it. There.
Erm, confusing beast.
Some people have the life force. My gran
had it, she just would not check out.
She had three strokes
and was paralysed down the left-hand side.
She was still in there, "I'm sticking here."
The Grim Reaper must have been on her
shoulder. "Come, old lady, it is your time.
"We go to the Land of the Dead.
"Come, we will travel across
the River Styx on my boat.
"Two, please.
"One and one OAP.
"What? Are you coming?"
My gran's still at home.
"No, I'm not coming.
"Got stuff to do. I've got to sit around
and talk weird for a couple of years."
Which was the unfortunate downside
of the stroke thing.
I kept visiting her and I was
her mother-in-law, her daughter-in-law,
her brother's son, it shuffled around.
She was a very energetic woman.
You know, at a certain age,
you get the gran's coat that they go round in
and the cake on the head type thing.
" Rothmans, please. Thank you."
That was me gran.
The Grim Reaper must have a tough time
because women don't die, they go on.
Men just go, boom.
"Come on, where's your stamina? Ah."
D "Bom-bom-bom.
I am a gran, I live forever" d
The Grim Reaper, "I could not get
the women, they would not come.
"I got the men, the men are all lined up."
"Yes, thank you, we're ready for bed.
"Can we get pyjamas, please?"
"No pyjamas in the Land of the Dead."
"I was told pyjamas in the brochure."
"I don't think..." "Yes, pyjamas..." "No..."
"But..." "No..." "Ooh!" "Ooh!"
"Oh, I've got your scythe, I'm sorry.
I don't know what's going on."
"It was a mime problem.
"There's a baboon here,
what's he doing here?"
"I don't know, someone was punching me,
I'm just in the line."
God is there in the Land of the Dead,
"Grim Reaper,
you could not get the women?"
Sorry, in my James Mason voice,
"You could not get the women?
What was the problem?
"Didn't you reap them
with your grim reaping equipment?"
"I tried that. But the women,
they all know hopscotch.
"And they leapt over."
They did and it's a secret, religious, weird,
ceremonial rite of passage
for girls that women know.
Hopscotch was bizarre for boys
because boys never played.
As a boy I was behind walls going,
"What happens? What do they do?
"What do they do here?" And they had
a track laid out with mystic numbers -
one, five, seven, eight, you know.
A bit of a broken doll there.
Some girl keeping lookout
with a skipping rope.
In case the clergy came by -
"Run, run, it's the clergy!
"Run, it's the Pope and everyone."
They do that skipping stuff, don't they?
Young girls and huge ******** boxers
are the two groups of people
that have a joining line.
"Jam, elephants, peanuts, elephant
and dung, jumping up and down...
"Change!" (Mumbles)
And huge ******** boxers are doing
the same thing - "One, elephant..."
(Mumbles)
Boom.
I've never seen young girls and
big ******** boxers do it at the same time.
(Mumbles in deep voice)
(Mumbles in high voice)
The impressions here are kind of sketchy.
(Mumbles in high voice)
"You have a very high voice for a boxer."
(High voice) "Yes, I do."
(Deep voice) "I have
a very deep voice for a girl."
Sorry, I was talking about hopscotch.
Hopscotch,
this strange religious experience.
All the numbers and there was
one girl on the course, they go girl by girl.
D Frére Jacques, Frére Jacques,
dormez-vous? D
I think that was training for this
with the leg stuff.
D Sonnez les matines d
And at some point she'd go,
"Oh, no, I ******** it up. Oh."
And boys watching would go,
"What? Did what wrong?
"******** up what? What did they do right?
It makes no sense."
And they'd all drift off
and boys would walk over the course -
"What happened here? We should
do an archaeolo... loshical dig."
"We should do a what?"
"An archaeological dig.
My tongue got stuck in my back tooth.
"Checking for stuff."
Thank you, one person.
So, that's just true.
We were kids, we grew up,
we end up doing things, the job thing.
The careers officer comes to school -
I was going to be in the army,
ended up doing stand-up comedy.
Slightly different.
Slightly more make-up the way I went.
Army's only got that night-time look and, er...
It doesn't work for me.
This is true, in the army thing,
I liked that running, jumping, standing still.
"I can see you in a tree, aha," part of it.
So, stand-up comedy - vocation.
You can't just fall into it.
There's others, like taxidermist.
You can't go, "I was working in a chip shop
"then I started stuffing animals with sand."
You've got to want it. "I wanna be
a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand.
"I want to get more sand into an animal
"than anyone's ever bloody got in an animal.
"I want to fill a rat
with the entire Gobi desert
"so it's really quite tight."
They should put more things in,
sand gets boring.
"Porridge. I'm doing this one with porridge."
B-dum, b-dum. Staple gun.
"Your dog's finished, I filled him
with porridge. Thbpth!"
"It's a bit floppy."
"Yeah, that's porridge for you.
"You've got a two-level effect."
"That's got a nine-level effect."
"I've done your cat - he's with helium."
"It's a bit high up." "That's helium for you.
"There's no height restriction.
"Do you want it here?" Woosh.
Pah.
"In fact, grab hold, I've got two controls."
"What? Oh, right, I see. Er."
There's a cat going whoo, whoo.
With that fixed expression.
Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist.
"I've done your dog.
He's got nine eyes down the side,
"I've made his head all square.
legs, what do you think?"
"Er, Fido looks a bit weird."
Beekeepers as well. Beekeepers, yes.
They've got to want to be...
"I want to be a beekeeper,
I want to keep bees.
"I don't want them to get away,
I want to keep them.
"They have too much freedom.
"I want bees on elastic so
when they get pollen they come back here.
"My father was a beekeeper before me,
his father was a beekeeper before him.
"I want to walk in their footsteps -
which were like this - Aaaah!
"Aaaah! I'm covered in bees! Aaaah!
"Covered in bees!"
Cos that's your job, isn't it?
Beekeepers must lose it occasionally.
You're there, you've got the netting,
you've got bees.
(Droning)
And essentially you're trying to steal honey.
(Droning)
"Morning, morning, morning, morning.
"Hello. Knock knock. Coming in, hello.
"Look, there's a Ferrari over there,
can you see that Ferrari?
"Yes, it's going very fast, isn't it?
"Well, morning. Thank you."
They must be walking back
with all these bees around
and they must go
"What the ******** am I doing?
"I'm covered in bees!
"Help!
"I'm covered in bees!"
You don't get the perks of a normal job.
If you work in an office,
there are other people there, you can flirt.
"Hey, you're new here.
How are you getting on?
"Do you want a coffee?
I was just getting one, I can get you one.
"I like my coffee like I like my women -
"in a plastic cup."
Beekeepers can't do that,
with bees. (Droning)
"Hello there, you in the street.
You're new, aren't you?"
"Urh!"
"Er... Do you want a cup of coffee?
It's no problem."
- (Droning)
- "No real problem."
"I don't want a cup of coffee from you,
you're covered in bees."
"I like my women like I like my coffee -
"covered in bees.
"Now back off, back off, back off.
"Aaah."
They're always just behind you, or in front.
If beekeepers go on a general outing,
is their van followed by a load of bees?
- "Faster, faster."
- (Droning)
"Faster! Put your foot down."
Yes.
And they have a queen bee
and we have a queen bee in this country.
The monarchy system, gradually,
over a period of time, has fallen apart
but in Britain it's stayed together
while falling apart at the same time.
And I think people become their faces,
as they get older, people look how they are
and the Queen is too severe.
She's... Hmm.
The glasses get bigger and bigger.
She's becoming an owl.
Her glasses will be bigger
than her body at some point.
And then she will light fires everywhere.
She'll live forever,
she's got the old woman thing.
D "Bom-bom-bom.
I'm the Queen, I'll live forever
d "I'll never die, I'll live to a million" d
The Queen Mother!
D "Bom-bom-bom.
D "I am the Queen, I'll live forever" d
The Queen Mother is amazing,
she's got artificial hips,
she has an artificial arm, a bionic eye.
She cost six million dollars!
(d Sings The Six Million Dollar Man Theme)
De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de.
"Paparazzi, yards."
De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de.
"Off with the tiara." (d Resumes theme)
Sh-ze-ze-de-de.
(d Resumes theme)
The Six Million Dollar Man,
he was a bit slow really.
He had amazing powers.
"OK, Steve, you've got to get those
bad guys over there."
"I'm right on it, Oscar."
(d Resumes theme)
"Little bit faster, if you could, Steve.
They're going to get away."
You're watching on telly.
"Oh, I'll get a coffee. This is taking forever."
As long as the music was going.
De-de-de-de-de-de.
You get back
and he's somewhere near the car.
People are by the car going, "Jesus.
"Oh, he's hit me."
So, yes, the Royal Family. Hmm.
Diana died, Diana died, and...
Everyone's gone quiet, what's going on?
No, I'm not doing big laugh death jokes.
I don't do those because
it's not a big funny area for me.
But she did die and we were thrown by it.
Some people were big fans
and were having a lot of grief time.
I was not a big fan. I didn't dislike her.
I preferred Diana's direction
to the Queen's direction.
The Queen's just "Hmm".
Diana was slightly more "mm" and...
So I preferred that direction
but I think we were thrown
because it was like a soap opera.
Front page for the last four months,
Dodi and Di, on holiday,
and that was so in your face
that you had to be thrown.
It happened one night
and you woke up and went, "What? Weird."
And it was something like The X-Files.
That's huge, it's all over the world,
Scully, Mulder, front page, no clothes.
Erm, kinda similar,
imagine if an episode came out
on a Monday at am
and they killed off the characters
and we went, "What? Has it finished now?
"I was watching that.
"Just Monday night and..."
It just throws you, you know.
Scully always there, she's so, "Look, Mulder,
"I don't believe that Martians with big elbows
are taking over the world."
"There's tons of files on that thing, Scully.
You've got to read these files."
By the end of the show there's
Martians with big elbows everywhere.
She's swatting them off
with a tennis racket, "I believe you, Scully!
"Mulder."
"Do you know who you are?" Anyway.
So, it happened,
and so there was a mother who died,
there was a lot of sympathy
towards the kids, one one I think.
That was understandable.
And my dad said something to me -
"My mum died when I was six
and my brother was eight.
"No one gave a s**t."
It was interesting
because a lot of people die,
people at the concentration camps
and no one does give a s**t.
There was a lot of focus on that
so I don't know how it all
fits together but we were thrown.
And everyone came on telly,
there was Bill Clinton, Tony Blair, saying,
"We're sorry about this."
The Queen said nothing.
Monday, nothing. Tuesday, Wednesday,
nothing. Thursday, nothing.
Friday, as if someone
was pushing her in the back. "Get on!"
What?
It was as if Charles was there going,
"Get on the bloody thing."
"But it's not Christmas. I'm not...
"Charles, it's not Christmas. I'm on holiday
in Scotland, what's going on?"
The problem with the Queen is
she doesn't know how to talk from the heart
and that's what we deal with now.
Someone says, "Look, I ******** up at this"
or, "I'm trying to do this."
But she's there saying,
"We're very sorry about Diana, she died."
And you're not connecting there.
I would have more respect
for the Queen if she said,
"Diana, she died
and that's very sad but we didn't get on
"and she went in a different direction
"but I didn't want her to die
and so that's a sad thing."
I'd have more respect
if she was upfront about it
and also if she said, "About resigning
the throne, I'm never gonna do that.
"I'm staying here.
"I've superglued the crown onto my head
"and, as I speak, I'm strapping myself in.
"******** off.
D "I'm an old lady" d
Cos she's not going, is she? She's not.
She's going for Queen Victoria's record,
I can see that.
There's a glint in the eye. Queen Victoria
was queen for years.
And she won't resign.
What will her mother do?
"I'm the mother of the Queen Mother
of the King of the..."
She'd be lost. She's staying in there,
superglued onto the throne.
"What?"
Going on holiday like this.
Back in the ' s she was quite sexy
in a sort of difficult-to-believe but...
But she was.
In a kind of, you know, the ' s skirts,
"Fancy the Queen, yeah.
Got her picture on my locker door, yeah.
"Shag the Queen."
In the ' s, London and Britain was hip
for the first time since the Civil War
and the Queen should have gone with it,
slipstreamed in there.
Short skirts, E-type Jags, cigarette.
Vrooom, vrooom...
Police coming up,
"Hey, lady, you're speeding."
"******** off, I'm the Queen."
Shoom!
"Where to now, Phil?
"Phil, read the map the right way up
for God's sake."
Prince Philip, he's a card.
Has the habit of saying things like,
"You're all a bunch of bastards.
"Was that bad?
"I don't know what was going on."
They tumble out.
"Haa!"
You expect him to go on one of these
ceremonial visits with a big bit of tape on.
It was I think, China -
a bunch of British students there,
he went up and said, "Don't stay here
too long, you'll become all slitty-eyed."
Off the map, isn't it?
Even as a joke it's just so stupid.
Like no one was going to mention it.
What the ********?
He's like some ambassador
turning up saying,
"You're all ********,
why don't you all piss off?
"Your problem is you're all foreigners.
"Bye.
"Did it go well, do you think?
"What phrase in particular?"
Back in olden times they had
a big royal screw-up, the siege of Troy.
There was Helen, who became Helen
of Troy but was Helen of Greek lands first,
married to King Menelaus
and Paris came over from Troy.
He was obviously some swarthy...
"Hi, my name is Paris.
"Queen Helen, let us kiss with tongues."
And Helen went, "Oh, I fancy him."
And voom!
Next day, apparently, she shot off with him.
And the whole siege of Troy began,
which is the myth we had, but it's true.
They found Troy. A German archaeologist
dug it up with very precise tools and...
" . metres down, I found it, very precise,
it's here." In a very German way.
And we have archaeology on TV.
I quite like it, it's a sort of detective thing
but it's really tricky, you know, it's there.
But it's kind of slow on telly.
It has this problem of,
"We've been here three weeks on live TV
"and we've dug up
a millimetre of topsoil so far.
"There's men with brushes and beards.
"Maybe they've just got beards, I'm not sure.
"We've found this and carbon dated it
to last Tuesday, so we're very excited."
It's too slow. Our attention spans are short.
"We need stuff! Quick, change the channel."
We want, not slow archaeology,
we want speed archaeology.
We want big ******** with diggers.
"You've got minutes to find a city."
"All right! Let's go!"
D Bam-ba-bam-ba-ba-ba-bam-bam! D
"Get the diggers in!" Brrr! Brrr!
"What the ********?
Get that skull out of the way.
"Pottery everywhere!
"What have we got?"
And they always find in archaeology,
a series of small walls.
Every time, a series of small walls.
Everywhere you go.
"We found a series
of small walls, we're very excited.
"We think this proves
that they had walls in olden days.
"They were very small.
A series of small-walled people."
And then someone,
very learned with glasses, says,
"The King and Queen entertained here.
" courtiers
and soldiers in this room.
"And elephants
dancing hopscotch over there.
"Mad fiddler in this room, playing the banjo.
Viaducts and aqueducts..."
And you watch going,
"You're making this up, mate."
You just point at a series
of small walls and say,
"Tutankhamen played banjo in there."
Don't know if it's true.
Anyway, siege of Troy -
Helen eloped with Paris,
the Greeks got ******** off and went
to Troy in big ships and the siege began.
The great warriors were there -
Agamemnon, famous warrior,
Ajax, famous toilet cleaner,
and Achilles, immortal man, immortal body
except he had an Achilles heel.
What an irony.
"You mean I'm called Achilles, Mum,
and I have an Achilles heel as well?
"I'll be a laughing stock.
"Oh, bloody hell."
Achilles must have gone into battle like this.
"Get off! Get off the heel, get off!
You buggers."
The Trojans with crabs and lobsters...
"Get them on his heel."
"No, not the crabs and lobsters! Aah! Aah!
"Come on, you buggers,
I've got my foot..."
If I was Achilles, I'd put my foot
in a ******** block of concrete. For starters.
Then ptoo, ptoo, ptoo -
arrows shooting off everywhere.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!
"Block of concrete. No problem at all.
"See these swords here? Thbpth!
"No problem."
Wa-oo, wa-oo, wa-oo!
"Ha-ha-ha-ha."
The slight downside -
he'd have a maximum radius after that.
"Could you come over here, please?
"Could you come over here?
"Could you come over here, please?
I've got something to show you.
"I can't show you
unless you come over here. Damn."
He'd have to put wheels
on the block of concrete.
(Squeaks)
But we know trolleys. They don't quite
work like this. It'd be... (Squeaks)
"Thanks for waiting."
Much better would be
to have a hovercraft bottom bit on.
(High-pitched hum)
(Descending hum)
Thbpth!
(Ascending hum)
And after a hard day's battle he could
get home and change from blow to suck.
(High-pitched hum)
"Mum, the plug needs moving."
Booo.
It's the noise that's the best fun
in hoovering. Booo.
Oooh.
Booo! Oooh! Booo! Oooh!
Until it breaks.
"I've bust it, Mum."
Good strong Hoovers are good.
(Low hum)
Sometimes you're hoovering away
and it makes that funny noise.
Jig-a-jig-a-jig-a-jig-a.
And you carry on hoovering,
thinking, "Was that a bit of grit?
"Was that a piece of money?
"Or was that the Treasure
of the Sierra Madre?
"Must know, must find out, what's in it?
"Ah, it's a bit of grit. Damn."
But the power Hoovers are much better
than those old Pushmi-pullyu no-power...
Hod-de-de-de-de.
With little turny brushes.
And the dust would say,
"What exactly are you trying to do?"
(Comic accent)
"We're trying to whisk you.
"Whisk you into the hod-de-de-de."
"But we're coming
straight back down again."
"I don't know about that, you know?
I'm just a hod-de-de-de."
"Where exactly are you from?"
"I don't know, man, I got this crazy accent.
"I've no idea."
So, anyway, Achilles was there.
Remember?
He had this Achilles heel
and that's because
all his important stuff was in there.
His brain, liver, lungs and spleen.
Everything.
The rest of his body was empty
except for potpourri.
Which is a genius invention. Someone said,
"I will take stuff that fell from trees,
put underarm deodorant on it
"and sell it to posh people."
Who buy it! " quid a jar?
Thank you very much.
(Posh English accent) "Thank you,
this is wonderful. Big ribbon. Thank you."
You couldn't sell it to ordinary people.
"Sack of potpourri, five pence a sack."
"That's stuff that fell off trees."
"Only five pence."
Anyway, Achilles was full of it.
And he died and the siege continued
and after ten years of siege,
the Greeks got pissed off and thought,
"We'll play one big last trick on them."
And they built a huge wooden horse,
metres high,
wooden, hollow horse, put some soldiers
inside, left it there.
They built this big horse and said,
"We're going now, bye!
"You've won, well done. Bye.
"We're in our ships. Bye.
We've left you a big horse.
"As per usual. Bye.
"As you normally do in these situations
we've left an ordinary ceremonial horse.
"Bye. Thought you'd like it."
It doesn't make any sense
that the Trojans believed that.
After ten years you'd be pissed off,
you'd leave some dog poo behind.
"That's what we think of you, you bastards."
Helen's still in there. "We built you
a big horse, we thought you'd like it."
The Greeks sailed away
to make it look convincing,
over the horizon, where it dips down.
If you've ever been there.
They just hid behind the horizon.
So they could get a good look,
they stapled fish onto their helmets.
Then they turned the fish round.
For accuracy.
The horizon is where the water tumbles over
into a huge waterfall.
Underneath the waterfall is a cave
and in the cave is Daniel Day-Lewis,
Elisabeth Shue and a load of Mohicans
and Daniel Day-Lewis is saying,
"Just stay alive and I will find you,
"no matter what occurs."
Then he jumps into the shower.
Lost everyone.
No one understands.
Yeah, forget that.
So they left the big horse
and the Trojans came out -
"Ooh, big horse,
just what we've always wanted.
"Hey, Helen, get a look at this. Big horse."
They should have checked
to see whether it was hollow.
Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap.
(Deeper) Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap.
"Hey." Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap.
"This one's hollow, get it open."
They'd open it up and inside
there'd be a load of Greeks. "Hello.
"Oh, have they gone?
I didn't set the alarm this morning. Aw.
"We were just cleaning up."
Hod-de-de-de-de.
(High-pitched hum)
Hod-de-de-de-de.
"Yes, hello. Er, yes, we're Greek.
"This is Agamemnon, I'm Ajax,
and this is Prince Philip of England.
"Don't say a bloody word!
Do not say anything."
So, the New Testament.
Erm.
The New Testament, yes.
That was a short beard testament, I think.
And it began slap-bang on nought AD,
right in the kisser.
Which made the people
who made calendars very happy
because they were going out of their minds.
"So we go five, four, three, two, one, nought
and then what?
"Where do we go after that?
Year A, year B, what?
"Call it year peh? Year flumdoo?
"Year crumbadu? Do we just make it up?
What do we do?
"And AD - who is D?"
"I can tell you that, that's Domino -
makes pizzas. Erm.
"I don't know quite what's going on."
"We never knew who C was.
BC - who's C?"
Anyway, they found out,
and Mary and Joseph and baby Jee.
And all the calendar people came and said,
"Oh, Mary, Joseph, thank you. Good timing.
"Six days early, actually, so, er.
"But it's Christmas so... Spirit of goodwill."
Baby Jee was there and the three wise men
came from the Old Testament
with big ******** beards.
"Baby Jee, we have followed the star,
"which was a lamppost for a while
and we went in circles but now we are here.
"We got a bit pissed
somewhere near Birmingham
"and now we are here with presents!
"Baby Jee, we bring you gold! Ah.
"We bring you frankincense. Ah.
"And we bring you myrrh. Er...
"Yes, I think if you rub it on the back
of a duck, it goes quite fast.
"That's what... Or maybe it's a small banjo?
"If you can spell it you can have it,
how about that?"
Baby Jee was very happy.
"Thank you for my Christmas presents.
"And for my birthday presents?"
"What? Christmas and birthday, isn't it?
"You were born and it's Christmas.
Two presents. Ah, you're the first...
"Are there any shops open?"
Mary and Joseph -
"Er, late-night petrol station, try that."
"Brilliant, good idea. We'll be right back.
"Get out, get out of it.
Get the beard out the way."
minutes later they came back.
"Sorry, we're here.
"Baby Jee, we bring you cigarettes.
"A Diet Coke.
"And a sack of charcoal!"
(Applause)
"Sack of charcoal?"
"They always have them at petrol stations.
"Yes, very funny gag
in England and France.
"Not in America -
it goes down like a lead balloon."
"Don't they have charcoal at...?"
"No, they don't."
"Did you cut it out of the show?"
"No, couldn't be buggered.
"Couldn't be buggered."
(Applause)
"Just had a conversation with you about
how it works in Europe but not in America."
"Oh, I see."
So, yes, Baby Jee's very happy.
"Thank you for all my presents.
"But stick around
cos we're doing a Nativity play,
"seeing as it's Christmas.
"Mum, the three wise men, why don't they
play the roles of the shepherds?"
Cos the shepherds were missing,
the sheep were running amok.
They were late because they were trying
to get the sheep to where Baby Jee was
and there was a roadblock
cos there were sheep in the road
and they were trying
to get them through and it was...
No one ever gets that bit.
You know how sheep block roads
and normally a car...
But if you're trying to get sheep through...
Good comedy situation, I thought.
But it needs this big, vast explanation.
"What's he talking about?"
So they played the three shepherds,
the three wise men were played
by a duck and a donkey.
And Noah, who turned up,
he was lead wise man.
He said... (As Sean Connery) "I've got
the speedboat out on the sea of Galilee.
"If anyone wants to come for a spin,
it'd be great.
"If you've got big beards,
sit on the side, they blow in the wind.
"******** fantastic."
And Mary had no role
because she was knackered.
Joseph played himself and the innkeeper,
which was funny.
"I'd like a room." "No rooms."
"Well... Baby Jee..." "Baby who?"
"The whole calendar thing."
"My calendar's getting
a bit tired at the moment."
Where's that bit going?
So, yes, Baby Jee was there,
then he grew up, grew older and died.
And, er... The shortest version
of that story, isn't it?
But he had some disciples,
disciples, in French.
One was St Peter.
St Peter was the guy who said,
"I don't know him."
c**k-a-doodle. "Oh, it's him."
That's the speed version of that story.
He left Galilee after the death of Jesus
and he came to Rome,
and he said, "Rome is a crazy place,
I like it here, it's brilliant.
"I'm staying here - all the kids on Vespas,
no helmets, brilliant."
Brrrrr...
"What a sexy place.
I'm gonna stay here and be a pope."
So he became the first pope.
There were lots of popes.
They're guarded by the Swiss Guards,
who stand proudly
in pyjamas and funny hats.
I think it's a safety device.
If people want to attack the pope -
"Let's get the pope, come on!
"Men in pyjamas!
"Oh, I can't do this."
The Swiss Guards
have Swiss Army Knives! "Ah!"
(Swiss accent) "Now we have the scissors!
"You have a thread there - I cut it.
"Dans la poubelle.
"Ah, no, small knife, big knife,
small knife, big knife. Ah.
"Erm. I can see you! I can see you!
"You're upside down now!"
(Sawing noise)
"I do not know what this one is.
"And with this one I can open
a can of beans in a week.
"Oh, he's escaped, he's escaped!
"Quick, tell the cardinals!"
All the cardinals having a meeting
to decide the new pope.
All eating marmalade sandwiches.
Marmalade on toast.
"Right. You be the pope."
"No, you be the pope." "No."
"Look out, the toast is burning! Oh, no!"
Black smoke going up.
Outside, people are watching and saying,
"There's three popes now,
what's going on in there?"
And the pope,
he decides who becomes a saint.
And to be a saint you need three miracles.
There must be some really good people
with only two miracles.
"Just need that last big... Hey!
"Fish into baboon... type thing."
They're there, "Your pope-ness,
I have only two miracles.
"My last one you disallowed -
I turned wine into water."
"Yeah, but it's not crazy,
it didn't really work for me.
"It was my best vin de table, as well.
"I was a bit pissed off, I was."
"Well, I have now a bloody miracle with me.
This one's brilliant.
"Now, pick a card.
"Don't show me! That's the point!
"Right, now put it back in the pack.
Now shuffle.
"Don't know where it is.
"Is it the three of diamonds?"
"It is the three of diamonds!
That's brilliant! It's a bloody miracle!
"OK, I'll make you a saint. Well done, mate.
"Saint Jeff.
"And here's your Vespa. Brrrr...
"Patron saint of dangerous driving."
We don't have miracles, we have dreams.
Those are our own personal miracles.
We all dream, we have dreams.
I don't know, some weird characters
in our brain take over.
"You're covered in jam. Urr."
They're always bonkers.
And we dream in colour.
Some people have black and white dreams,
they're kind of cheapo dreams.
You need to bang the set
before you go to bed.
And they're so vivid to us -
you're there and your grandmother's
attacking you with a spoon,
the pope's playing a banjo
and you're totally au fait with it.
And you often wake up going, "Shescaska..."
Those weird, "Footska, I've got..."
I've been lying down...
I've tripped over while asleep.
"I'm asleep... l'm up..."
And people interpret them, bonkers dreams.
"A man comes up to me covered
in jam and he sings,"
d "Oh, I am a man-hippo" d
"And he brings me spoons and his buttocks
explode and his brother
"drives a small snail towards me very slowly.
"What does it mean?"
The interpretation's always ordinary.
"You didn't get on with your father
when you were a child."
"Why doesn't it say that in my dream?
"What's all the bloody snail thing and...?"
You never ha
 theshadowwolf94 · Sat May 09, 2009 @ 08:24am · 0 Comments |
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