It has been a really long time since I have been on Gaia – let alone updated this journal. Last time I wrote my journal my Baba was alive.
Sometime in February my Deda and I found we couldn’t take care of her anymore. She could hardly walk, she would not eat or drink anything and she had so much medication it was hard to deal with. She would sleep most of the day and wouldn’t get up for anything, she was not getting the medication when she should – it wasn’t a good. We made the hardest decision I’m sure my Deda has ever had and the hardest one I have had to make to date. We called her doctor and got him to get a bed for her in the hospital.
We get there and her room was in the palliative care unit – something I was not expecting. This is a place people go to die. My Baba was going there to die. For the first week she did really good and I thought she was coming home. She started to eat and she was actually awake and joking – she was even walking with a walker. Then she almost fell and her walking went downhill. She began to eat less and less, she became more confused and withdrawn. I went to the hospital every morning at 6 with my Deda to massage her legs (with no use they started to hurt and get stiff) and I went every day after school until about 10 at night. Between this people came and went but I didn’t notice. Then she got scared and didn’t want to be alone – my family took shifts to sleep there over night. It was a horrible thing trying to sleep and watching her struggle to breathe.
Slowly she slept more and more and ate less and less and was no longer the woman I remembered. Finally she just stayed sleeping. They stopped her medication and my family and I was left to watch her die. On Friday March 20th 2009 I went into the room. I held her hand and I knew she was finally gone. I couldn’t feel her anymore. Thankfully Deda left the room. My mom held me as I cried...for real...the first time since I heard the news. I let go of her then. I told her, as I did before, to go. I told her to die. I didn’t want her in pain anymore.
At 5:15pm her husband, sons, their wives (which were more like her daughters) and all her grandchildren (expect for Andrew who is 5 and was at his other grandparents) were surrounding her as she passed away. She just stopped breathing.
I have not yet come to terms with my loss. I have had to be strong for my Deda and to take care of him. I live with him now – alone. She’s not here anymore. I can’t ask her to help and I can’t even talk to her.
This has destroyed my life. People say it gets better with time and I know that’s true. But for now I am floating around in my realm of despair and have yet to really comprehend what has happened to me. I miss her; more than I ever thought was possible.
heart Rest in peace Baba heart
April 3rd 1935 to March 20th 2009
 Tama is in my Soul · Mon Apr 13, 2009 @ 03:27am · 2 Comments |
