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zeoku and the meteroid army
The humans are being destroyed by there own creation, now a young boy named Zeoku must stop it.
Chapter 1: Zeoku
"what do you mean master hioku?" the boy said with a worried voice. "do not worry Zeoku, were safe until they come with the star meteroid" hioku said calmly. this was 5 months ago, before the meteroids attacked. they had four start meteroids, which are huge lasers made to vaporize everything they shoot at. hioku, zeokus father and master, was very wise and saw that there demise was afoot. "ugh, my foot....its lost to much blood.....im weak...." zeoku was out in the forest of desperarion. they say that any who enter there will die quicker than they should. As he traveled through the forest he began to get tired. he knew his demise was near. Then he fell, rocks and sticks pierced his wound and he let out a loud yelp. "master.......why? why did the meteroids turn on us? after all we've done for them....why?" long ago during world war 3, the US designed a special being, using stem cell technology. they were beings that was 10x stronger,faster,smarter than humans. we treated them as if they were kings. until one day they made an army, called the meteroids, they finally won WW3 and US conquered all of the other nations until one fateful battle with asia. they sent meteroids and an army of normal troops. Asia launched a nuclear bomb , destroying the whole country of asia and wiped out many other countries. the meteroids, amun to nuclear technology took cover before it hit, but the toxic air began to damage there brain cells, corrupting them. they soon rebuilt Asia and renamed it mezeoth. then started another world war. all of the countrys and nations fought together against the meteroids, but none were a match for there new species, the meterons. they were 30 times the strength speed and smarts of the meteroids, they swiftly killed millions. soon all of the scientists of the world gathered to make a new species of meteroids to defeat the others. they haven't responded to the soldiers since.soon the meteroids caught on. and the soldiers had to make underground bases and survivor camps. zeokus village was found 5 moths ago and destroyed, hioku, knowing of this, sent zeoku away 1 month earlier to get a headstart of running. "huh? where am I?" zeoku woke up in a dark room with many machines hooked up to him. "what?! No!! No!! i got to get away!!" he said pulling all of the wires out of him. he jumped up, threw his cloths on and started running, he saw a corner and jumped behind it. he looked around the corner and saw 2 meteroids standing by the window with to lestion pistols. lestion pistols are made up of crystal and diamond. Zeoku jumped to the other side of the corner, then when he landed he tripped making a loud stomping sound. they heard it and was running for the corner. he started running at his full speed down a hallway, but at the end of the hallway they were already at the end. as they pulled up the pistols, something sped by and cut them both in half. there upper halves of there bodies slid down. "hmm? whatever ive got to escape!!" he ran down the next hallway, and down a flight of stairs. at the end these strange men in suits were in a gunfight with the meteroids. when they were all dead, a meterion jumped out and tackled one of the men. "get em' off!! help!!" he was yelling then the meterion ripped his head off. and started sucking his blood. then the other man pulled out a strange gun and shot him 12 times before it died. "jim......" he said, with a troubled voice. "hey you, kid, come here, its okay. were the swat team." he said with a welcoming voice. "its okay son, come on." zeoku walked down the stairs slowly. "theres blood on his arm and leg." "did they stick anything in you?" he said worried."there was a large needle in my arm when i woke up in here. i jerked it out...., my leg was hurt with they used the star meteroids on my town, the waves got it my leg while i was jumping to avoid it..." zeoku said. "a needle you say? oh no, they did the same thing to stonia, the next day she was a zombie like thing." the man said. "lets go." the man beside him said.





Zeonku
Community Member
Zeonku
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  • User Comments: [1]
    Haru_Walker
    Community Member





    Sat Mar 14, 2009 @ 01:03am


    Everything seems ok, there are a few errors I wish to point out.

    1: You need to capitalize the beginning of all sentences, and names.
    2: You need to start a new paragraph every time you have someone speak or a new subject comes up. Otherwise it is all just one paragraph and is too hard to read.

    Here's an example of some of you original text:

    Chapter 1: Zeoku
    "what do you mean master hioku?" the boy said with a worried voice. "do not worry Zeoku, were safe until they come with the star meteroid" hioku said calmly. this was 5 months ago, before the meteroids attacked. they had four start meteroids, which are huge lasers made to vaporize everything they shoot at. hioku, zeokus father and master, was very wise and saw that there demise was afoot. "ugh, my foot....its lost to much blood.....im weak...." zeoku was out in the forest of desperarion.

    Here's what the corrected version of this piece looks like:

    Chapter 1: Zeoku

    "What do you mean master hioku?" the boy said with a worried voice.
    "Do not worry Zeoku, were safe until they come with the star meteroid," hioku said calmly.
    This was five months ago, before the meteroids attacked. They had four start meteroids, which are huge lasers made to vaporize anything they shot.
    Hioku, zeokus father and master, was very wise and saw that there demise was afoot.
    "ugh, my foot....its lost to much blood.....im weak...." Zeoku was out in the Forest Of Desperarion.


    User Comments: [1]
     
     
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