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Did ya ever have one of those days where you just felt lonely? Nevermind the fact that you're surrounded by human beings in school, or you've got your family offering comforting words and asking you to eat because they're worried about you. You just feel lonely. You want to do nothing but sleep and at the same time you want to scream. To throw a fit. To rip at your own skin because of how frustrated you are.
I won't deny it. I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm tired of Jesse's 'poor me' comments that she slips into ever comment or reply she leaves me. Every single one. Nevermind the fact that I've told her she does it and it bugs the s**t out of me. She still finds it necessary. Nevermind the fact that I'm about to tell her to ******** off for a few days and give me some peace because I'm tired of the pity train and I wanna get off.
I'm tired of being so tense. Kay's always there, and she always gives me the advice I need. But dammit if it doesn't always make me afraid. She voices all my fears. She makes me afraid because I can almost feel my faith slipping away. I need to be strong, to believe in our cause, but if she does that, then I just get so sad because I can't... I can't... I can't. I can't think anymore. I get afraid and I get sad and I get frustrated, and the worst part is that I know she's right. I know I need to be strong, be cautious, but... see, after I think that 'but' part, then I start to think that I'm being selfish. Even if believing with all my heart is more fun, then I still think I'm being selfish. I need to think of what could affect the world, not what's easiest for me.
And I feel helpless. We told Jeanette. And now she knows. And now bad stuff's happening to her. And I can't protect her. She's been my friend for 3+ years, and I can't do anything more for her than I already have. It's so... such a feeling of being lost, you know? Like, 'Okay, I'm gonna put you in danger, but then I'm gonna let you on your merry way because I can't help you if something bad happens. Have a nice day now!' It's not right. I shouldn't have told her. Nevermind the fact that she begged me. Nevermind the fact that Jude took over and told her. Nevermind the fact that the Things were kind enough to look at her and see if there was anything they could do to help.
And I feel ignored. Because the family's gotten into the idea of taking over my body. They jump in so they can talk to Charlene. They fight over who gets to talk to her next. And what's worse is that I let them do it. I let them take over and have their fun because it makes them happy. But when they do, I feel left out. I want to talk to them, to talk to Charlene. But they're so caught up with the idea of what they can do now, using the phone and talking face to face, that I just sorta get pushed aside. I think I know now why Angel doesn't like it, but my reason is different. He doesn't like not being in control. I don't like being forgotten.
And I feel lost. Without Angel. I... need him. I don't eat. I do nothing but sleep. I can't think of anything to draw. My head always hurts. I take these as symptoms of Angel withdrawal. And I don't like it. I need my fix. Keeping the two of us apart is like, upsetting the natural order of things. I'm so upset lately, and the one person I want to talk to in the whole world, I can't because our parents are conspiring against us.
And... my dad. Not even a ******** smile. I'm so angry about that! Screw what the people that commented on that entry said; I did it so he would be happy with me. I would get a smile, and maybe a hug, and some words of encouragement. Maybe even a reward of some kind. Ice cream or something. I dunno. And I didn't even get a smile. That's ******** up. I can't deal with parents right now. I want nothing to do with them. Because they're not there. I have no parents. I have two people that keep me fed and make sure I get a job. Make sure I get good grades. But they don't care about me as a person.
This didn't help at all. Even writing the feelings out didn't help. Maybe... People that I've mentioned, I'd appreciate it if you all pmd me and discussed this with me. I need the moral support right now, and I can't seem to find it in living humans recently. I need help; I'll admit it almost without crying. I'm sad and afraid and lonely, and I need help. Please, people. Talk to me.