... Christmas... stressed
Two days with my boyfriend's parent's, and i'm ready to drink myself into an early grave... cheese_whine
My boyfriend (Will) worked all night christmas eve, while his parents and I went to church. I've never been to a church that caters to 4000. Mine packed would only seat 20. I didn't like this new place, or the big production they made about christmas. For them it was all show... The whole thing felt wrong. I felt out of place and alone. It was then that I got a text- "Hey, gimmie a hollar." eek ... damn. it's Johann.
I respond quickly and discretely- "in church"
"Ah, Merry Christmas" responds the jew.
We finish the service, and go back to the not-so-in-laws. It's only nine, but after hearing all of the hellfire and damnation, I'm ready to turn in for the evening. Will's parents invite me to watch a movie with them, however I decline and tell them it's past my bedtime. Will's mom (who isn't exactly what you'd call bright) says "Oh, I bet it's strange for a simple farm girl like you to have to stay up so late huh? Well don't worry, there's no cow's to feed here!"
... God bless this poor woman. She's so clueless.
I Thank them for their hospitality, and then head back upstairs to unload my things and write in my journal. With a heavy heart, I dial my ex "Hey, sorry I wasn't able to talk, but I was in church."
"Whatever. It's cool. I know how you are about your dumb little holiday."
"Yeah, and happy Hanukkah to you too... Jerk face."
"No need to get rude. I just wanted to know when you were coming in to town."
"Day after tomorrow... if I'm still alive."
"haha. What? Afraid the jews are going to use your bones to make their bread?"
"Shut it kosher boy. I'm with my boyfriend's parents."
"Oh yeah? And where is little mister Joy-boy?"
"At work. Look, I'll have your s**t. We'll talk and then it'll all be done. Ok?"
Jeezus... It sounded like I was conducting a drug deal! I just hoped his parent's wouldn't hear me.
"Fine. Where do you want to meet?"
"I don't care. You pick."
"My place"
********... I just had to go and tell him to pick didn't I? Way to go me! He lives even farther out in nowhere than my parent's do! There'd be countless places to bury my body...
Then he chimes in "Oh, and by the way, I'm keeping my truck"
For those of you who don't know (that being all), Johann's truck was the first place we'd ever kissed. The first place we'd made love, and the first rig I'd gone mudding in. It was a special little truck. I had even made the emergency blanket that was tucked away in the back. It was Camo to match the paint job.
"So? What's it to me? It's your truck anyway."
"Just thought you'd want to know. I'll make arrangements to pick you up when you hit town."
"Ok, but just know that my parents are expecting me. And I'll let them know I'm seeing you first."
"wow, you make it sound like I want to kill you or something."
Definitely not the old Johann.
"I'm going to bed now. Good night."
"night"
Christmas was fairly uneventful. We opened presents and talked about family. All of my family and friends called me to wish me a merry one, and when an old friend called from Iraq, I dismissed myself and went to talk outside. After about 30 minutes, I realized how rude it must seem, and went inside to explain myself... No one had even noticed I was gone. And not that they should know where I am at all times, but I figured if someone disappeared for an extended period of time, someone would notice. So we finished up our day, and I scooped up my tuckered out b/f and all of his stuff, and made sure we got home. Poor Will. He was so tired by the end of the whole ordeal, that he didn't even take off his shoes before face planting dead asleep on the bed. And when I tried to remove his shoes from his feet, he got agitated and grumbled at me.
For some reason, I felt like I had pepper under my skin. I don't know if it was the fact that in less than 12 hours I would be face to face with my mentally unstable ex, or the fact that for the last 48 I had been treated like a poor ignorant farm girl with no proper upbringing. Either way I felt like I had to clean.
I started in the bathroom and worked my fingers to the bone moving through the hallway and into the living room. My family would be up for the first time to see my new apartment next week. I'd lived here for two years and only my parents had visited... and only twice. It was too "upscale" for them. Too "confusing" to find their way to my place on the big city streets... talk2hand
As I worked like a whirlwind throughout the little space, I made notes and lists of things that my room mates were doing (had been doing) that needed to stop or change. In very fancy font, I wrote out new rules. AND, making them as humorous as possible, hoped that they would be read and followed by all. Hopefully, this new tactic will work. But if not, then at least guests will know what is expected of them. I mean, after all, I am the oldest person in this joint. And the only one to have previously lived on their own... Yep. I am the den mother. Not even by choice...
Hell, having Johann kill me might even be a welcome service at this point. xp I jest. But still, sometimes I wonder what it might be like to just have my own little place. No room mates, no crazed caffeine swilling zombies, just me and my ferret and fish. Living the high life... Maybe one day. But for now, I guess I'll just make do with what I've got and be happy that the psycho doesn't yet want to see me six feet below him. rolleyes
Ha! I guess on the up side if he murders me, I won't have to worry about coming back to clean up after my filthy room mates once again before my scrutinizing family members arrive to tell me how I should be living my life. razz
Later Datez all~
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Just a figment of your deranged imagination...
Community Member
As we all know, Johann invited me down for the weekend of the 26th. Well, I went, and it was like watching the love of my life die all over again. I was supposed to see him yesterday. Was anxious all day and could barely stomach my food. We're scheduled to meet at 4, he tells me he'll be by with the van to pick me up. At 3:30 he says "I'm in town. Let me know when you're here. I get home and text him at 4 on the dot. At 4:30 he texts me and says he'll be late. I told him that was fine since I needed to eat anyway. 5 rolls around, then 6. I ask him where he is. He says "playing video games with Austin". Liar. The only thing that would keep him detained like that is sex. He must be with alyssa. Well, that's fine, but we had an appointment. Ten rolls around and I'm crashed in bed from my nerve wracking day. He texts again, "I'm not coming out tonight. can we move it to tomorrow? Mom doesn't like me driving at night." Bullshit! Who does he think he's talking to? A stranger? He and I used to run around together at night all of the time. I reply "no. I have plans. I spent a lot of time and money to do this. And then you just blow me off? That's rude. You can be here at 7am to pick up your things. And that will be that." He merely says "sorry." I tell him that's not a real apology. But he doesn't respond. By now I'm fuming. So I go to call his phone-it's off. I knew it. Such an a**. And that was that. He never came by, and by the time I was ready to leave with my folks, there hadn't been a peep from him.
8:30am- "I'll call you when I get back this evening. It will be your last chance. Please don't blow it again."
Then I started to feel badly for being so upset. so I shoot him another text- "I'm sorry I snapped last night. But you really hurt my feelings. Do you still want to get together today?
Nothing. For several hours. So I figure screw it, I'll hang out with his sister, and give her his stuff. I don't even have to see him. So I call her "Hey grete! What are you up to today?"
"Oh, well, I've got some family coming in at 5. They'll be here until 8."
"Ok. Well, would you like to hang out until then? I believe I owe you lunch."
"I'd absolutely love to, but I'm grounded."
"well, smeg girl, I'm sorry. Maybe some other time. Say, would you mind if I came by and dropped off Johann's things? We were supposed to meet last night, but stuff came up."
Then she says something that catches me off guard. "Well, I'd send him to pick you up, then we could kill two birds with one stone, but we haven't heard from him since we picked him up from the airport."
Wow. What a jerk. I thank her and then hang up the phone. At 5, I try to call Johann, figuring he'd be back at his parent's. Two rings and the answering machine picks up. Great, he's hitting ignore. So I leave him a message inviting him to go to Put-Put with our friend Davis and I. Nothing. So at 7 I try texting him again- "Hey, do you want to hang out this evening? It's both of our last nights, and I would like to make sure your stuff gets to you. Not to mention talk. Please lemmie know.
At 8:13, I snapped. "Look, I'm trying to get your s**t back to you. Either you come by adn get it, or I'll wash my hands of it. But you have to lemmie know. Otherwise, it's going to goodwill.
Put-put gets canceled because Davis' grandma goes into the hospital. No worries, that's a legit excuse. So I spend the evening playing board games with my family, and whooping my mom at black jack. At midnight I decide it's time to retire, completely forgetting about the anger that I had towards my cruel ex.
Well, at 3:11 he wakes me up to tell me he was walking to my place. He was drunk and belligerent. The worst combination of bad. I pleaded with him to go home, but he wouldn't. Before the call, he had texted me, but I had been asleep. "That's ******** up. you do that, guaranteed I won't talk to you again. I only had a 4 day pass to come home, things got ******** due to time."
When I picked up the phone to his call, I said "Jesus Christ Johann! Do you realize what time it is?!" And that's when he started screaming blasphemy and hung up. I tried to call back, he answered, yelled, and hung up on me again. So I texted him- "you KNOW I don't use it in that context. Chill the ******** out and go home."
He tells me to go ******** myself...
I say "Go home! quit acting like a drunken fool, you're not impressing anyone by doing this!"
And since he has a reputation for getting physical when he drinks, I head upstairs to wake my mother. Then I text him again.
"Where Are you?"
"Bald Hill's. Y?"
"I'm on my way. You will take your stuff, graciously take a lift, and then leave me alone forever. I don't want your mind games, I don't want your false declarations of love, I just want you to let me be happy. You've caused me enough pain."
We get to him, walking alone in the rain. I get out of the truck and walk up to him. He stares down at me wild eyed and full of hate. No more deep blue left in his eyes. Only black. We sized each other up for what felt like hours, but was really seconds. I handed him his things and told him to get in the truck. He turned on his heel and stared to walk away. I asked him to stop, told him I didn't want him to catch his death of cold, but he just walked away, screaming obscenities at me. Telling me I was a c***, and that I just wanted him killed. My father, who is witnessing this whole thing, tells me to get back in the truck. We sit there for a second, and he says "call him back. It's too wet and dark for him to be out here like this. It is now 3:55. I text him- "Come back to the truck, don't be an idiot."
He then sends a voicemail to my phone about how I was a cold, heartless b***h and he would never talk to me again. He kept saying things like "don't you wish you had a gun? Don't you wish you had a pistol? Then you could just shoot me! Then we'd both be happy!"
At this point I snapped. I had never been so angry in my life! The other 5 times he had acted like a fool, and even harmed me, I kept my cool. I had played it level headedly. This time I just snapped.
I try to call several times, but there's no answer, so papa and I take off.
I then text the unstable ex "No, I don't wish I had a gun. You're creating your own hell. You're killing yourself just fine." Then, just for good measure, I added "I made a mistake coming down here, trying to talk to you. But you were the one who wanted me to come. So this is goodbye? Noticed you couldn't say any of those cruel, hateful things to my face. And you were the one telling me you weren't happy. Not vice versa.
4:00- He calls me screaming "AHHH!!!" into the phone like he's in pain. I ask him if he's ok, then quickly realize what he's doing. I tell him to "Grow up", and he hangs up on me.
He immediately texts me saying "No worries, I got hit."
"No you didn't you ******** drunk. Otherwise you wouldn't be texting me. Now stop playing your little games."
"Really? Ever taken a mirror to the chest? Doesn't matter. You want me dead."
"Really. My father was gracious enough EVEN THOUGH you woke him up in the middle of the night to give you a ride. YOU declined. Oh, and another thing, I've been hit by a car before. Not exactly something you jump up from to call your ex about. Besides, you got your things, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!"
"You want me dead."
"I want you dead huh? You sure have a lot of nerve, acting like you know me... You never took the time. If you really had loved me, like you kept saying, then you never would have done what you did. Look, I knew you were lying about her back in July. I didn't care. I wanted to try to be with you. But you just kept pushing me away. Well guess what? I won't be a part of your twisted little web anymore. You can go ahead and try to scare me into coming back, but it won't happen. If you're this jealous I'm with someone else, then why didn't you ever try being nice?! Did you know that while you were away, in my head we were already married? Do you have any idea what it was like when you came back and weren't there? Of course you don't. Because you don't care about anyone but yourself!"
To which he merely says "try moving".
"why should I be the one to move? I haven't done anything wrong. Wait, scratch that, I did do something wrong. I wasted my time with someone who never cared about me! Face it, you're a belligerent drunk who is too bull headed to admit when he's been a cruel, heartless b*****d."
No answer.
"What's the matter? We'll talk on your terms, but not on mine? Well fine you self centered little child. ******** you!"
Half an hour later he texts me. It is now 5am. "HAHAHA! You gave me the wrong shirt. Glad to know you're happy. Thanks for the sob letter, didn't read it, but why should I?"
The letter, I had forgotten about the letter I had written to him when he told me he loved me. It was very sweet and cordial, but stated that we were only ever going to be friends. Even with as much as it killed me, I couldn't be with him as long as he was an abusive alcoholic. Still angry though, I try to get the last word.
"It wasn't a sob letter. And I wrote that the day you fed me that bull that you loved me. I forgot it was in there you ungrateful jerk."
again, a long response time- "You don't care what happens. I was always wrong. Enjoy your liberties that you've never sacrificed for."
"Never sacrificed? As I recall, I let the one person I loved more than anything go over there, and he never came home... you just can't come to terms that you're a drunk who's too proud to admit when he's made a mistake. Every six months I get to watch you transform back into this rotten jack a**, and it's as if you're dying all over again... Well, not anymore. And it's too bad you didn't read that letter. Because if you had, you would have realized it said that because of your actions, we were going to remain friends. But you don't want that do you? I don't even think you know what you want. that's why you keep jerking my chain. Must be a lonely life. Glad I don't share it. And another thing, don't expect me to feel sorry for you when you signed up for the abuse. I was a fool to think you could ever show compassion."
Later that morning, I woke up thinking it was all over. I texted my boyfriend and let him know that Johann was out of our lives. But then at one thirty, he contacted me again. "hahaha! Typical liberal, taking sacrifices made by thousands and putting your own spin on it. Have fun dropping out of college and paying your debt."
Well, since neither of us are content until we have the last word, I tagged him back. "I see you're not doing any better today... And I'm not a liberal, just a realist. It's not my fault you're closed minded and angry. I'm sorry you feel so inclined to direct your hate at me. But the funny thing is that you never paid attention to the fact that when you were nice, I was nice. Yes, we had our arguments, bu tas a general rule, I was more than willing to forgive. Forgiveness isn't a flaw, it's a blessing. And I still forgive you. Even after all that you've put me thought. When you decide to grow up, give me a call. But until then, you can live with your self pity and hate. Because I don't need it. And another thing, I would like to point out that this is the first time I've snapped at you, and the 6th time you've freaked out on me.
"counting. Trivial."
"you were the most important thing in the world to me. Of course I'd remember every second... Just because you couldn't be bothered to is no fault of mine."
"Fine!"
"Fine what?"
"..."
And I let it go at that. I knew he had nothing to throw back in my face. I had finally said my part and told him everything that had been pent up inside me for the past year. The rest of the day went well, with not a peep from him. I hung out with Davis, packed my things, and returned home. He got on a plane and went back to California, or "hell" as he always called it, where he belongs. But not without stabbing a dagger through my heart and causing me countless hours of pain crying. Sitting on the bus, I checked his myspace profile to make sure he was doing alright and not jumping off the deep end like he did when we broke up, and to my surprise, he had posted that he needed to sober up. He broke it off with his "girlfriend", and was even talking to his baby sister. It made me happy to know that he was doing better. Even if we had both paid for it. Although I know we probably won't ever talk again, he is still (even after all of this) a huge part of my life story. And his big blue eyes will always tug at my heartstrings. Yet I know that it's the hedgehog's dilemma that keeps us apart, and am wise enough to know NOT to go there again.
And so ends this twisted, disgusting tale of two hearts cosmically entwined, and yet destined to be apart.
May your future relationships be much easier than mine dear reader. And thank you for hearing my tale.
Until we meet again, Later Datez~
~Poof