The quick version of this book: If you're pretty and pouty, you too can land yourself a gorgeous vampire boyfriend who will continuously save your a**.
Let's take our main character first - Bella Swann. Yet another heroine who doesn't know she's beautiful and describes herself as shy but never exhibits the trait. The book is told in first person, which is unfortunate, because that means the reader is at ground zero for all of her insipid thoughts. She moves in with her father in his small town and holds contempt for just about everyone she meets at school, even though all they are doing is being friendly and including her. Not that any of this matters to Bella once she spots beautiful Edward. The next 500 pages are filled with purple descriptions of his magnificence, of how she's not worthy, of how could this god-like/Adonis-like creature stoop to love her.
I'm going to try to condense my irritation with Bella into a series of points:
* She's ridiculously clumsy, which is meant to be a fault, is passed off as charming, but basically just gives her an asinine reason not to run so Edward can save her.
* She "falls in love" with Edward within weeks of knowing him, and after a couple hundred pages, if he even mentions leaving, she hyperventilates and acts like her world will freaking collapse. Stalking is illegal in all 50 states, Bella.
* Whenever Eddikens so much as barely brushes his lips with hers, she either tries to rip his clothes off (natural) or her heart stops beating and she passes out. The girl hit the floor so many times in this book she put Giles to shame.
Which brings me to Edward. Angsty telepathic vampire Edward. While we have very little clear idea what Bella looks like, we get to hear about Eddiken's gorgeous, transcendental face and body over and over and over again. He's impossibly frustrating because he's been crammed with so many character traits, depending entirely on what the author wants him to be like at the time. He calls himself a monster and thinks he should have died all those years ago, but then totally lords his awesomeness over the mundane humans. And he is awesome. Lest you forget it, he's even awesomer than the rest of his vampire family at everything.
But the worst part about Edward is how he treats Bella. He is initially attracted to her because her smell is particularly attractive to him (okay, I'll bite) and because he can't read her thoughts. (Trust me, Eddikens, I'm lookin' right at 'em, and there ain't nothin' up there worth wondering about.) He knows he's a danger to her (woe!) and tells her straight off that it's better if they not be around each other (sorrow!)...and then he proceeds to hang all over her! He berates himself once every few pages for putting her in danger but never has the guts to fix the matter because he "just can't stay away from her" and "[she's his] life now." *wretch*
The author's writing style is unimpressive. Not bad, per se, but it wasn't giving me anything new. It all felt rather generic. Her vampires weren't bad - the "ultimate predators" and all that - but they were slightly ruined by her reasoning of why vamps can't go out in the sun. It's not because they'll burn up and die - it's because they glitter. That's right - these are GlamRock!Vampires. I also can see how Bella never takes Edward seriously when he tells her he's dangerous and she shouldn't want to be cursed with vampirism. Honestly, the author never shows us anything negative about the condition. It's all quick reflexes, superiority and baseball games with the fam.
The plot is bogus. Four hundred pages of ill-conceived romance and then a quick 100 pages of worse-conceived conflict. The romance, to put it frankly, is a little disturbing in how it borders on the obsessive, especially on Bella's side because he's just so, so, so beautiful!
And that's what bothers me the most about this book and the message that it sends to all of its rabid readers: the importance of beauty. Not inner beauty, either. Edward and his wonderful vampire family (all of whom are good because they don't feed on humans) are described over and over again in all of their wonderful physical qualities. They're cardboard characters for us to admire. Bella, of course, doesn't think of herself as beautiful, but the fact that she has four other boys in addition to the vampire falling all over themselves to please her begs to differ. I was willing to forgive the beauty of the vampires as a trait they acquire when they're turned, but a few others turn up later that are described as "nondescript" and ordinary-looking. And of course, they turn out to be the bad guys. Really, Stephanie Meyer?
I'm not buying it. Or your sequels for that matter.
